Just Busy Living!

J enjoying himself some ice cream!

I have been extremely selective with my time lately.

During 7 weeks of the summer, my sister comes down from Maine to work a job she has had for many years. It is a great job  for her, so while it is hard on her and her family, it pays off in the end. There is not much work up in their parts of the world, so this is necessary. An added bonus for me is my nephew J comes with her. At 21 months, he has been quite the trooper . He has adapted very well and I love having them both around.

Unfortunately, the time goes by way too quickly. Each year I tell myself that I need to make sure I spend as much time with them as possible- no matter what is going on in my life.

Back in the summer of 2010 when I was in chemo treatments, my sister was here for work and she was pregnant with J. The time we spent together was not filled with a ton of exciting activities since we both only really wanted to lay on the couch and watch movies- we still had some great sister time together.

At the local fair. 

This year I have made an even stronger effort and I have the energy to spread myself a little thinner. These times with L & J are very special. I have grown pretty attached to this little guy. So between my visits with them; work; training hours in the Pilates studio and oh yeah…riding my bike, writing has taken a back seat.


It never seems like enough time...

J and L 

If anyone was worried- I am fine… just busy living! 

I hope you are all having a great summer. 

My sis, brother in law and of course G and I.

Stay tuned: G and I will be racing on Sunday August 5 in the DarkHorse 40 and if I keep my nerve, I will be attempting to finish the Hampshire 100.

Darkhorse 40 pre-ride with some good buddies!

S.M. 

More Juice!

It appears I have officially caught a summer cold...

It is quite disappointing since last week I was feeling so good and strong on the bike.  Good enough to steal back one of my lost QOM on Strava!

I am juicing like a mad woman and hoping that will boost my immune system enough to make this cold short lived with minimal damage.  As long as it stays out of my chest, I still plan on racing on Sunday.

Do your magic green juice!

Yes, that is right...the Stewart Six Pack is this Sunday and not only will it be 95 degrees and humid, but now I will be dealing with being sick.  Oh well, that is just the way it goes.  I find it hard to really complain about a cold after all that I have dealt with in the past but it still would have been nice to feel good on race day.

More juice, need more juice!

Popsicles help too- my nephew and I have the same cold :( 

Getting back on track.

I have quite a bit of filler I could use to bring you up to date on the past few weeks but I won't bother with every detail.  For the most part, things having been getting better. Just hectic since after Thanksgiving so not much time to write.  Here are some highlights from the weekend in Maine.  

After a very rainy drive, we woke up Thanksgiving morning to this beautiful snowy day. 

Great walk before the feast.

All cleaned up  and ready for dinner. 

At my sisters house with my nephews.  I think D was excited for his Star Wars Legos we brought him.  

J is getting so big!  

Cuddled up with my beautiful sister ♥  It was cold up in Maine!

The most important thing that I can report is I am finally getting back on track.  I am some what superstitious so tend to be hesitant to write these sorts of statements, but I am feeling good.  Some of it must be the further out I get from my last surgery and some of it is me finally jumping off the 'pity pot' and just doing what I know I need to do.  

My new boobs don't quite feel like mine yet.  They feel like more of an accessory most days.  It is not that I have much of a choice right now but I am giving them a chance.  I can't just take them off when they don't feel right. Clothes are fitting better, I am sleeping better and I feel a bit more comfortable on the bike.  My plastic surgeon is pleased with my results and she thinks my healing has finally turned a corner.  She is already discussing the next phase - nipple reconstruction and revisions.  Yes, revisions.  A couple things are just not quite as she would like them.  "I would not want to do anything until at least January" she said on my most recent follow up.  My response was "January 2013 is more of what I had in mind!”. There is no way I can mentally handle another surgery right now or in the near future.  I need to change my focus onto something else. 

I have a heavy but exciting race schedule ahead for next season and it will start in mid April.  I better get my butt in gear.  I have been back in the woods riding when I can to get more comfortable on the bike again.  I also decided to hell with my indoor trainer-it is lonely and boring!   I know, some of you don’t believe in this form of training but I am taking spin classes again.   I enjoy being outdoors so much more but some mornings it is just too damn cold or I do not have enough time.  I push myself more in these classes than I do at home on the trainer by myself.  There are a couple good instructors I know and they teach great classes so I decided to sign up.  It actually may help me focus on finding my speed again.  I know it is too early to really start working on speed for next season but honestly, I have gotten slower than a turtle since my treatments began 20 month ago.

I have been feeling a bit off balance and dizzy for a quite a while now.  I keep telling myself it will go away or get better.  It has not gotten better but it does not seem to have gotten any worse. There is an unwritten rule or saying in the cancer vortex – wait two weeks and in some cases wait a little longer- it may just go away on its own.  I never said anything to my oncologist during my visit back in September but I just had my 3 month follow up last week and thought I should let her know.  There is always that part of me that never wants to say anything because then I may end up with more scans or tests.  What if a scan reveals  something serious like the cancer has returned in my brain?!   Do I really want to know that? That may seem quite extreme to some of you but that is my reality.  It can happen.  I can’t just be clumsy, off my game or have headaches without the fear of recurrence setting in.  Then there is my intellectual side that reminds me that I have to be an advocate for my own health and my doctor only scans on symptoms.  If I don’t say anything, how will she know what is going on.  So, I put it down on the check-list of symptoms.  Of course she asked me about it.  I guess she actually reads that list.  This is a two page check list of symptoms that all patients fill out before the appointment.  98% of my answers were no!  She didn’t seem overly concerned about the dizziness but she did suggest an MRI of my brain just to see what is going on.   I had a CT brain scan this past summer but an MRI is a better scan.  Now that I do not have metal inside me, it is an option.  No radiation involved in an MRI but it is nerve racking non the less.  I managed to talk my way out of it this time and promised if it gets worse, I will call her for the MRI script.  If no changes or it lessons, I will not have to see her until April again for another routine follow up.  We can revisit it then.  Her thoughts on the dizziness was more to due with residual damage from the chemotherapy drug.  Specifically the Taxol.  She mentioned neuropathy as a possible cause and that it could affect the brain.  I had and still have obvious signs of neuropathy in my feet but never really thought about it in my brain.  G was along for this follow up and he asked her if this would get better with time? Her response was- sometimes yes but most of the time if it presents itself, it is a long term side effect.  We were both unimpressed with that answer.  I guess this is what they mean when they say "chemo, the gift that keeps on giving".  Her suggestion was to be careful with running, biking, climbing ladders or anything that I could lose my balance.  Well that is going to be difficult.  I am hoping that the dizziness just goes away. 

Speaking of balance, I am excited to report that I am continuing on with my Pilates certification and had another intense workshop last weekend.  It was so much material and a very advanced class but it felt great to challenge myself again both mentally and physically.  I can’t believe how much of my core strength I have lost in 2 months!  

I do not know who really reads my blog unless they comment on it but every once and a while I get a gentle nudge from a reader or friend who asks why I have not written in a while.  Thank you all for your concerns.   I am getting back on track; back on my bike; back to my daily routine and in turn getting back to feeling more like myself- whatever that is these days. 

Back in the woods. 

I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday season. 

S.M.

Trying to find balance: is it ever really possible?

Out of my handful of doctors, I have/had a Dr. A., Dr. B and a doctor D.  I have been joking all along that all I was missing is a Dr. C. 

Well, not any more- Meet Dr. C. my new GYN that has taken over as one of my many watchful eyes.  I had a follow up appointment with him last week to go over my most recent ultra sound results from the end of last month.  I had no reason to be overly concerned, as I had received a copy of the report from my oncologist when I went in for my Herceptin treatment.  She didn’t seem too worried.  Her response was matter of factly-“they are going to continue to torture you with these follow up tests.”   She then wrote out a script for yet another ultra sound follow up. 

She was right about the constant torture of being poked and probed, because Dr. C. is a bit concerned with the most recent findings.  Among many potential side effects that Tamoxifen can cause, the thickening of the endometrial lining is one of them.  In a rare case this can lead to endometrial or uterine cancer.  This is one of the things they are monitoring when I get these ultra sounds.   The new findings show mine has almost doubled in size in 3 months.   This could be my body just trying to adjust to the Tamoxifen or it could mean that my body is up to no good.  

I am scheduled for an endometrial biopsy in two weeks.  I really wish I did not have to take this drug.  I would be lying if I told you that this biopsy did not scare me.  Frankly, it is causing me a bit of anxiety to have to go in for this biopsy- The last biopsy I had on April 13^th of 2010 set off a whole chain of events, so I am still a bit gun shy if you know what I mean.   

  

I really should not complain because none of this is really hindering me physically, so I am able to work full time again and ride my bike as much as time permits.   G and I have been enjoying the summer and have had some awesome rides trying to get ourselves ready for the next big race.  The Dark Horse 40 is less than two weeks away and I have officially switched my entry so that I will be racing my single speed.   

G took this photo during a great day in the woods.  You should be able to view larger if you click on it. 

My sister has been down from Maine since the end of June and will continue to be here until the first week of August working her summer job.   It has been so awesome getting to spend time with her and my nephew Jesse.  I feel so lucky to get this extra time with them both.   Last year was so different for us since she was pregnant and I was sick or recovering the whole time.  

Me and Jesse -4th of July

 

Despite these new findings and feeling like I am still stuck in the ‘cancer vortex’, I have found comfort in the fact that those days are becoming fewer and farther apart.  I am not immersed in it all every moment of everyday.   Still trying to find that balance.   

Taking in the sunset together on the Hudson River.  

Spring Blossoms.

It was April 15, 2010 and my sister was here on an extended business trip.  We had walked into town for some lunch and as a distraction. It was two days after my biopsy and my mind was off in a million places. My eyes wandered around the neighborhood taking in all the beautiful spring colors.  The cherry blossom trees were magnificent last spring.  I had to stop to take this photo- it carries with it a memory that will stay with me forever.  This was only a couple hours before I would receive that phone call from DrB.  The phone call that would change my life as I knew it.  I was so grateful to have my sister with me that day.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have been there to support me during this past year.  It hasn't been easy.  G, my special guy.  I would not have made it this far without you- Team G n R rocks!

S.M.

Minor Setbacks and Exciting Visitors.

We are only two weeks into the new year and I am reminded that life happens on life's terms.  I have a new minor setback.  Very minor but none the less, a setback for me.  
 
About 3 years ago I discovered a mole on my stomach.  It was a new mole, one I had never seen before. It started off fairly small but it continued to grow.  I had kept an eye on it and thought it was something I would eventually have checked out.  When I had my initial breast exam last March, the doctor suggested that after I  see a breast surgeon,  I should go to a dermatologist.  That was probably the smartest thing that doctor said to me the entire visit.  Just for the record, this was the doctor from the clinic not any of my current doctors.  In fact, she is the one that when I asked for a script for a mammogram she said to me " Oh they won't do a mammogram on you, your too young for breast cancer".  Right, so like I was saying- not very helpful.  Since things have calmed down a bit,  I showed this mole to my oncologist who suggested I have their dermatologist take a look.  I thought it was probably a good idea, so I agreed.  I went to the dermatologist who biopsied the mole right then and there.  I figure it was out now and it will be all fine...Wrong!  I received a phone call from my oncologist DrW. right before Christmas.  She didn't want me to panic when the dermatology office called.  "It is not cancer and it has nothing to do with your breast cancer, but it must come out surgically"  It was a precancerous mole that "could" turn into melanoma.  I was told by the surgeon that there was no real rush so as soon as I was feeling up to it, we would get the procedure done.  She then started to explain that the healing time would be two week with 2 layers of stitches and I would not be able to exercise during that time.  That was all I heard from that point forward.  More restrictions, just when I'm starting to feel good and getting back on a routine.  As much as the idea of not being able to exercise for two weeks made me angry and frustrated ( especially after all I have been through this past year) I would just have to get it over with.  The longer I wait, the worse the timing would get.   I know it is not cancer so I'm not worried about that.  It is just another minor setback.  

I chose January 12 at 8:00 am  for a couple reasons.  It was not too close to my last radiation treatment and most importantly it would allow me to heal up and be ready to start my race training by February 1. Of course we were expecting another huge snow storm the day of my procedure but since it was in the city, they were not going to cancel it.  It would be up to me to cancel if I felt I could not make it in. As hard as I thought it through, I knew that I had to get this over with.  I woke up at 6 am and sure enough, there was a ton of snow.  G and I walked through at least a foot of snow to the train and made it to my appointment.  Thank you G, as always for your support.  The surgeon ended up cutting a 4.5 cm long piece of tissue out of my stomach!  It was a bit larger than I had expected and since it is on my upper abdomen, it's quite  uncomfortable.  Nothing compared to my big surgery but this is so annoying! 

On another note, here are some random and exciting updates:

I am happy to say that last week was my official first full week of work since April.  It felt awesome!  Come Friday I was tuckered out but still able to make a delicious dinner for G and I to kick off the weekend.

Roasted chicken and red potatoes with sauteed brussel sprouts

Since this season seems to be bringing lots of snow, we needed to find a way to enjoy it and get in some cross training.  G purchased his own pair of snowshoes and I already had a pair from my years of living in Colorado.  Last weekend we received some fresh snow so were able to explore a bit in the woods.  The trails are too snow covered to ride and the streets are not much better.

After a few hours of work on Saturday, we headed out for what seemed like more of a hike then a snowshoe since we didn't get as much snow as we thought.  As always, we managed to have a good time out there regardless. 

G lovin the snow! 

There was still some fresh snow- My tracks.

We also ran into some of our mountain bike friends who were out riding the ski bikes that my friend K built.  While I was more of a spectator, G could not resist. 

Apparently it handles really well.  I will have to try it another day.

 
Sunday we headed further up north to find more snow and we were successful.

We also met up with some good friends.

I would say he loves his new snowshoes?!

Even Olga and Jack had a great day in the woods. 

While there is a ton of new snow this past week, there won't be any snowshoeing in my near future.   BUT...As some of you know, ,my sister had her baby back in November and I've still yet to meet him.  She decided that since she was not working, she would come visit me and bring my nephew Jesse.  My birthday is on Monday so she will be here today, with Jesse to help celebrate my  birthday!  I am so excited to meet my nephew and see my sister but not so excited for my 37th birthday-yikes! 

Have a great weekend everyone! 

S.M.

Wrapping things up.

Christmas has come and gone....We started off with a Christmas Eve morning ride on some new trails in Yorktown. I was so grateful to be out in the woods among good people and the fresh air.  It meant more to me than just another other group bike ride- thank you everyone that was there.  

Too far away but you get the point.

As planned, we headed into NYC for the evening with G's parents and sister.  We started off with evening mass...yes, we all went to church and it was pretty special.  The decoration, the music, the spirituality-  It was almost more than I could handle emotionally.  We spent the night in NYC after a lovely meal and with great company.  After a relaxing morning, we headed up north to my father and Anne's for a low key Christmas dinner.  Anne's parents were up from Florida and  a couple of their friends joined us as well.  I didn't take many Christmas photos but Anne sent me this one of the four of us.

Christmas Day Smiles.

Christmas was followed up by a huge snowstorm that just about shut down the east coast. We slept in that morning and realized we better hurry if we wanted to get a ride in before the trails were all gone...The traction was perfect and G and I had a great ride in the woods that day.

Stopping for a rest and a photo opportunity. 

The following day after the storm,  my guy frantically shoveled the car out so I could make it to my radiation treatment (we don't want to miss any). That afternoon we met up with some friends for some sledding up at Rockwood- this has and always will be a prime place to go sledding because the hill is so steep and  the view of the Hudson is fantastic.  I was pretty tired from treatment and feeling a little fragile, so I opted to watch. G and I walked around amidst the sledders while the wind howled and tried to blow us off the hill.  The wind was so strong that day that it almost blew all the snow off the top of the hill.

G posing at the top of the hill. 

Seeking shelter under a tree.

The new year is almost here and of course the end of my radiation treatment is coming to an end.  I was hoping to be finished by December 31st, but it turns out I have one more left on Monday.  But that is ok, as I have to see Dr M anyway for a follow up.

Like many people, the end of the year is a time when we look back and reflect on where we have been.  I started to remember back to last New Years and how I had no clue what would lie ahead for me.  G moved in last February and shortly after that ( not even two months later) I was diagnosed with cancer.  Frankly, that is as far as I went with this "looking back" on the year crap. So much of the last year  is still very dark for me to think about.  I can only look forward from here.

As you can imagine, I am anxious to start a new year.  While much of the effects of my treatments will linger,  G continues to remind me that I have come a long way since May.  I continue to try and stay in the moment, but there is some level of anticipation of what this new year will bring.  All I really wish for is to be healthy and cancer free. A pretty simple wish for most people, as we take for granted our health- but this year that is all I hope for.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for what might happen in 2011!

The final countdown.

It is the final countdown of my radiation treatments.   I have 5...yes only 5 more radiation treatments left.  I am exhausted but surprisingly finding the energy to get a lot done in a day.  It must be the excitement that this huge part of my treatment is almost over.  I might be over doing it a bit since I passed out on the couch last night before 9 pm.

The treatments are going as planned.  About two weeks ago, my skin started to develop an itchy rash on my sternum and my collarbone.  This is to be expected and Dr. M. does not seem to be too concerned.  If my skin starts to bubble and peel, than we up the medicine to something stronger but for now, I will keep using this steroid cream and Biafine.  It seems to be doing the trick and my skin remains status quo.   I was advised that the skin could get worse after I stop treatments.  I guess the effects of the radiation keep going and then the skin begins to heal.

Like most, this has been a hectic month.  I have had all my routine Doctor appointments and then some.   I have been able to work more now that I am feeling better but I still get tired quickly.  We have been more social with holiday parties and G had a birthday last week.

It was too cold for a ride so we went for a hike instead.  

We went out to eat at the Red Hat - Make a wish G!

Even thought we did not ride on G's birthday, we did manage to get some really great riding in last weekend.  Saturday we ventured up the OCA  for a two hour pedal.  Always good for my endurance training.  Sunday was a surprisingly balmy 35 degrees and after a great nights rest and relaxing morning, we headed to Graham Hills.  I felt steady for the first time in a while and G and I had a great time in the woods.

Christmas is days away and I almost finished my holiday baking and trying to tie up some loose ends for the big day.  We plan to spend Christmas Eve and morning with G's family in the city and then Christmas afternoon at my fathers.  It took me a while to get into any sort of holiday spirit but baking my traditional and not so traditional holiday goodies helped.

Oatmeal Cranberry cookies- my new favorite. 

Mini Zucchini Breads- apparently they are delicious 

I had good intentions of getting holiday cards out....sorry in advance, but it didn't happen.  I am grateful to have so much love in my life.  Thank you to all of my family and friends who have helped me during a very difficult time in my life. Especially to my guy for all you have done for me this year.  It has not been easy and I'm sure at times I have not been easy to deal with.  I could not have done this with out you. 

So, the final countdown of this phase of treatment and 2010 is near.  Merry Christmas to you and your families and here is to a healthy and peaceful new year!

Week two of radiation and Thanksgiving.

I kept thinking over the course of last weekend that I was tired from such a long week of appointments, but I am now beginning to think the radiation has a huge part in why I am feeling so exhausted these days. 

 

Saturday morning G and I attempted to get up and meet a group ride at Blue Mountain, but even with our best efforts (OK, so maybe we could have tried harder) we missed the departure time by an hour.  It is just as well since I was not feeling on top of my game.  We rode for a couple hours and while we managed to find some of the group in the woods for a nice chat- we rode for the most part, just the two of us.  I am so grateful to have such a great guy who wants to ride with me no matter what.  I always enjoy our time together and the time in the woods is even more special. 

After our ride on Saturday, I chose to rest up since I had plans to go to my mom’s for dinner.  My brother and his family were in town for the night and I didn’t want to miss my chance to play with my nephew.  I was still pretty tired, but managed to find the energy to give my nephew his first lesson of flashlight tag- priceless.  By the end of the night, I could hardly lift my arms (not sure what that is all about) and I no longer can scoop my nephew up in my arms to lift him up to my chest.  I am too weak…not to mention he is getting really big.

"do you think we will see any animals?"

 

Sunday morning had a lazy start.  G and I slept in and decided to keep things simple and we headed up the Aqueduct toward Croton.  It’s a great workout but not too hard on my body.  I felt surprisingly better than the day before.  We headed north from the house. 

Golden trails. 

Trying to get a selfie while pedaling. 

I better quit playing with the camera...G might catch me. 

Big Bird in Flight.

Lunch at the Silver Tips Tea House- Post ride.

 

It was a golden Sunday and I would not have done anything different- Except maybe take my anti anxiety pill before I went to bed.  

Unfortunately, I did not sleep well this past Sunday night, so come Monday morning, I  was once again exhausted.  I have tried to wean myself off my anti-anxiety medicine, but this may not be a good time for me to do this with all the appointments for my radiation treatments.  I woke up Sunday night in a total panic.  G is once again, so comforting.  He wrapped his arm around me with sweet kisses and whispered “it will be ok; shhhhh-it will be ok.” I could not really remember all the details of what really woke me up expect the feeling like my heart was going to jump right out of my chest.
 

During my radiation treatments, Monday appointments are a little longer than the rest of them.  I go into the radiation room as normal but before they can do the treatment, they have to take x-rays to make sure nothing has changed since the week prior.  Apparently I had a 1mm change in one of the 4 settings but nothing that can’t be corrected by the touch of a button.  After my treatment, the nurse comes and gets me and I meet with the doctor.  Dr M always answers all my questions and helps me get through some of my concerns.  He reminds me again of why I need radiation and takes a look at my skin to make sure I’m holding up ok.  So far, so good and I will continue to use the Aquaphor as a moisturizer until he advises me otherwise.  

Today after my radiation treatment, I had an echocardiogram.  While on the Herceptin drug, I am required to have my heart checked every three months.  I opted out of the MUGA scan this time since it is more radiation to my body and the eco is non-invasive and done with ulta sound.  From a clinical standpoint, it isn't always the best read on the heart, but my tech was able to get a great picture this morning.  The good news is my heart looks normal and I'm good to go!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I get the day off of treatment only because they are closed.  I will be back on schedule Friday morning.  I am happy to have the extra break in the week and plan to enjoy my morning with my guy on the trails before we head to his parents for the feast. 

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!

 

He's here!

I just have to share the exciting news that my sister had her baby early this morning.  Mom and baby boy are all doing well.
I am a very proud and happy aunt today! 

Happy Birthday Jesse Alexander!