My account of life both on and off of two wheels...... "At least I'm enjoying the ride"

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Courage Angel.

At some point during my cancer treatments, my cousin and his wife sent me this thoughtful Willow Tree Courage angel.  I put it right next to my bedside and it has remained there ever since.  

The other night, as I was getting ready for bed, the angel caught my eye in a different light.  

For the first time, I took notice that she has no boobs!  Her arms are up over her head and her chest is sticking out but there are no breasts.  She is still radiating confidence and courage.  I saw myself in this angel that evening.  It made me feel proud, strong and empowered.

While I do not feel that way about myself every moment of every day, that angel will be a reminder to me to hold my head up high and stick my ‘chest” out even when I feel scared or I am being kicked down. 

I have been very over extended the past month or so.  Like many of us, I feel like there is never enough time in a day.   I have gotten myself involved with so many different projects and organizations this year that I am having difficulty keeping up on my writing.  The times that I would normally find to write have been taken up by other necessary tasks or just pure exhaustion from the day.  

The exhaustion could be from me trying to fit too much in a day; difficulty sleeping ; more exercise or it could all be from the new drug that the doctors have put me on.   

I am still on Tamoxifen but now they have put me on a monthly injection of Lupron.  This will go on for the next 6 months and it is an attempt to shrink the fibroids that have grown out of control.  Our wait and see approach is no longer going to work.  While not an emergency, it was time to take action as these benign tumors are causing abdominal pain and discomfort.   If this treatment is successful, it will give me less invasive surgical options.  Once again, none of these options are “good” ones, just options.  Ironically, this rapid growth is caused by the Tamoxifen but no one is going to endorse me going off that medicine.  Frankly, I am not sure I can stop taking a drug that is prolonging my state of remission.  It is just another pain in the ass side effect of my treatments for breast cancer.    

I have taken a break from physical therapy for my lymphedema.  While I still have some swelling under and around my elbow, it seems to be under control and I have been given new techniques to manage it. Based on the last measurements of my arm, the swelling has come down enough for me to self treat.
None of this has stopped me from training on my bike or in the Pilates studio.  I have not been in the studio as much as I would like but I did attend another workshop last Sunday and those always help to boost my motivation to pick back up on my teaching hours and personal hours. I have been back on the bike feeling stronger every day.  I am trying to get some longer rides in but that has been so hard with the nasty weather and lack of time.  I have faith that it will all come together.  Either way, it will be what it will be.  

Spring is just around the corner and ready or not, my first bike race is next month!   I will keep moving forward no matter what falls in my path.  

When I am feeling beat up, I can just remind myself that Courage Angel is in all of us, somewhere.  


An exceptionally beautiful day last weekend.