Inquiring minds want to know.

I will cut to the chase. 

My pathology report FINALLY came in today and it is all clear!  The delay had a lot to do with the holidays but also they were double checking some funny looking scar tissue- my technical translation.  The pathologists had to run additional stains to make sure that there was no cancer.   I do like that they were being thorough but really glad that wait is over.

Exhale…

I have been going back to the doctor weekly to get my left side drained of fluid. 

Today, the fluid was half of what it was last week so that is good news.  I do not have to go back for another two weeks but that also means I will not have exercise clearance for two more weeks.  Of course my birthday falls within that two week time period but oh well.  I still have to wear the compression strap 24/7 but I am getting used to it and I know this is just temporary. 

I have been feeling really well minus the fact that I still cannot ride my bike or exercise at all.  I am a tad grumpy about it but I can’t change it so no point in complaining (too much).  The scars are healing up nicely and I am more and more comfortable with my new self than I ever thought I would be. 

2013 has started off slow and a little bumpy but I have felt nothing but good energy for the days ahead! 

Happy New Year!

S.M. 

Do what will heal you.

I have not shared with many or posted about the details of my upcoming surgery.  I have been trying to avoid being overly influenced by others or their opinions.  I have discussed my options with medical professionals, other women that have had to make these choices and some of my closest friends and family.  Of course G and I have discussed this more than we both would like.  G is my biggest fan and I am very grateful for that.  

The decision process has been more than difficult.  The rescheduling of the surgery was a blessing as I have used this extra time to try and sort out my options and find peace with my choice.

 

When I made the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy back in May of 2010, I had the option to reconstruct my breasts or wait and delay reconstruction.

 

“You are young and most women your age choose reconstruction”

 I heard that from many and while I still considered no reconstruction at all, I knew that if I was going to do it, I should start the process right away.  I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible or I may not go back. 

It all seemed so straight forward at the time. 

I was so overwhelmed with all the decisions that I had to make back then.  I had the whole “you have cancer” noise running through my head and on top of it, I had to make reconstruction decisions.  I chose the “easiest” and most common option for reconstruction with the least invasive surgery. 

After finding out that I needed radiation, it was too late.  We had started the process already.   I knew that the results could fail and I could be right where I am today.    I just tried not to think that way.  I still had to get through chemo and radiation so there was no time to think of the “what if” regarding reconstruction.

We pressed on because for some women, the results work even post radiation. I was hopeful that I would be one of those.  

  

The bottom line is I no longer can just have an implant on my radiated side.  The tissue and skin is so damaged from radiation that it is too unhealthy to hold an implant comfortably or safely.

 

If I want to continue the reconstruction process, I need healthy tissue to replace what is damaged.

That has been one of the biggest dilemmas for me.  Continue or give up what I started.

If you have been paying attention at all, I am not quick to give up but I do know when enough is enough.   These choices are not as straight forward as one may think.  So much more is involved at this point and all the procedures are ones that I declined from the start and thought I would 'never' do that.  

The only reconstruction options that I have at this point involve having major surgery and taking tissue and muscle from other parts of my body to form a new breast.

 

The only surgeries that I am a good candidate for is the LAT Flap or a GAP, TUG or PAP flap.  All of these involve a huge recovery and possibly or most certainly weakness from the donor site.  I already have some upper body weakness from the implants and don’t forget my cording issues in my left arm.  Oh and there is also the chance that they too could fail! 

The GAP, TUG and PAP all involve taking tissue from my butt or legs.  As much as I like the idea of making my butt a little small, no thank you!  My legs are my engine on the bike.  These also have a higher risk of failure especially on radiated tissue.

The strongest option for me and what was suggested by two different surgeons is the Latissimus  Dorsi Flap or better known as the LAT Flap.  It utilizes the whole Lat muscle, tissue and skin from your back.  The muscle remains connected and is pulled under the arm and around to the chest to create the new breast mound and replace as much of the damaged skin as possible.  There is hope that the new skin will be able to regenerate healthier skin.  It still requires an implant to match the other side since I do not have a ton of extra tissue to donate and the Lat muscle, while very large is actually pretty thin.   This surgery could help my cording issue or exacerbate it.  It most likely will be a much harder rehab for me and I could end up weakening the integrity of my back. 

I have been on the schedule for the Lat Flap surgery but the idea of this surgery has not settled well with me.  I am extremely concerned of losing strength in my back for obvious reasons.  I am an avid mountain biker that wishes to be competitive again and I am finishing my Pilates training certification.  While the Lat may solve some problems, it could cause more and there is no reversing this.  The muscle cannot be put back where it belongs.   I have had night terrors of waking up on the operating table with my back cut open and muscle hanging out only to be left on the operating table while everyone leaves.

 

Yes, this has been a tough 5 weeks.   

I have done lots of research and deep soul searching regarding what is the most important to me.  

I was given some really sound advice from a new friend.  “Do what will heal you”

   

I have come to the conclusion that today, my body; my muscles and a strong recovery from treatments are way more important to me than breasts.  I have already put my body through more than I have every thought I would or could go through.   It is time to give my body a break and give it time to really heal.   Enough is enough.

To deconstruct is still a big surgery but we are anticipating a much easier and quicker recovery.   It sort of feels like I am going through the mastectomy all over again but this time, I know more.  I do not have the same fear of cancer that I had the first time.  Of course there are still no guarantees of how this will look and how I will heal both physically and mentally.  The skin and muscle in my chest has already been stretched.  The extra skin can be cut out but the muscle, while still functioning may not ever lay flat.

 

I do anticipate having a few moments of grieving and "what the fuck did I do” moments.  Of course I expect many wardrobe malfunctions so I may need to find a good seamstress to alter some of my favorite dresses or just go shopping. But  I will take it all one day at a time.

   

The most important thing is I choose what feels right and to honor my body for taking me this far in life. 

While sitting in my car at the trailhead with my bike in tow, I spoke to my plastic surgeon yesterday.  I most certainly got the feeling she is not thrilled with my decision but she respects my choice and will help me achieve this goal of getting my body back to a stronger and healthier state that I so desire.   She also reminded me that we can revisit reconstruction at a time that is better for me down the road.

I hung up the phone, unloaded my bike and took a moment.  I felt a bit of weight coming off my shoulders and as I took a deep breath, I looked up.  There he was.  “My” hawk that I have spoken about before.  He was circling the parking lot.  I smiled, soaked in the peace and thanked him for his message as I pedaled into the woods. 

While I am mentally and in turn physically exhausted, I still had moments while pedaling that I could feel my body and how strong it really was.  How hard I have worked to get here.  The implants have only impaired my strength and have never truly been comfortable.  

I actually saw the hawk two more times over the course of my ride.  I do believe he was following me and I like to believe that he was watching over me. Reminding me to look at the big picture- my health and doing the things that make me happy.  

I do understand that I am in the minority with my choice but this seems to be the best way for me to heal myself. 

Finding clarity in the woods. 

S.M. 

The Unexpected.

My 6 month oncology follow up was two weeks ago.  As I mentioned in my last post, there was no reason to believe that there would be anything to really report about.  Because my oncologist follows the “only scan on symptoms” protocol, I was not worried.  I have been feeling pretty great. 

The thing about the  ”cancer vortex’ is you never truly know what comes next. 

My appointment started off as usual. The nurse took my blood; I filled out my self evaluation sheet and waited some more in the overly crowded medical oncology office where the majority of patients are over 60. 

Dr W was extremely busy – more than usual, but she really gave me her full attention.  She was even more compassionate than I have ever remembered.  We talked about a lot of things- My treatment choices; side effects; my fibroid issues, babies after cancer and my overall well-being. 

Things did not start to get weird until the physical exam. 

Dr W: What is going on over here?  I do not remember this breast being so discolored?! 

Me: Well, it sort of started a few months ago but it does seem to have gotten worse. I assumed it was the norm and it was probably a side effect from radiation, no?

Dr W: I am sure it is nothing but I want you to get an MRI.  Oh and I am calling Dr M (radiation oncologist) over to have him take a look. 

I did not panic; I thought for sure she was just being overly cautious.  I had not seen Dr M since February 2011 (a month after my last radiation treatment) but he seemed to remember me enough to know what he was looking at. 

Dr M: Well, it could just be the implant and some lymphatic blockage but the only way to tell is a skin biopsy.  An MRI is not going to tell us what is going on with the skin. 

Me:  Is this something I can do with my plastic surgeon?  Wait…you are worried it could be skin metastasis? 

Dr M: No, not really but a biopsy is really the only way to know for sure.  Call you plastic surgeon and see what she thinks about a biopsy and the discoloring.

 

Both doctors agreed and they think this is nothing but now the words have been said, documented and I am stuck with following along with all the annoying and scary tests that would follow. 

I was able to schedule an appointment with my plastic surgeon for the following day.  Dr DP would know right away if she could/would biopsy the skin.   

As Dr DP looked me over she asked  me some questions, ran her finger down my radiated skin and then when she touched this one specific spot – I jumped up!   It is a spot that we have been ‘watching’ because the skin was really thin after my exchange surgery due to radiation damage.  I had thought it looked a little worse but this confirmed it. 

At this point, I was now standing up while she began sizing me up and grabbing my waist and my back trying to figure out what she had to work with.  I have been trying pretty hard to lose some of the extra tummy and toning up so she didn't really find much. 

The bottom line is my implant is failing.  This is in the side that was radiated 33 times.  The skin is just too damaged.  The implant is actually starting to show through the skin! That was why I had a lot of sensitivity to the touch.  Here I thought I was just getting my nerve sensation back.

 

The concern is that if we do not take this implant out now and look at alternate reconstruction options, this could end up being considered an emergency surgery and my options just went from 2 to none.

 

The other issue and the whole reason I went to see her is the skin that is turning color.  She brought my breast surgeon in to discuss and have her take a look.  The discoloration concerned her as well but mostly because they both think it is another issue with the implant and the constant tightening and tugging I have going on.  It is contracting and according to the photo evidence, rising higher by the month.  Of course that is causing me great pain but I just thought this was the way it was and I never really complained that much about it.  I just sort of accepted it as the new normal post radiation/reconstruction.

 

We knew there was a chance of this happening if I decided to go the implant route after radiation.  Some plastic surgeons won’t even touch radiated skin with an implant since it is very common for radiated skin to fail.  We took our 50/50 odds and went for it.  We were all  hopeful and thought I was in the clear for a while.  I did not think it would happen this quickly if at all.  It was just a year ago that I had my implants put in.  

The sadness, fear and overall frustration has really taken over on this. 

I had a biopsy last week.  It had to be in the OR since they could not risk my implant getting exposed and infection setting in.  That would add insult to injury.  I am grateful to report that my biopsy is benign and the skin sample is normal.  Dodged a bullet on this one!   

  

The new reconstruction options are very limited.  Everyone will have an opinion but there really is no great option for me. Either way, I am having surgery on November 27.   Instead of starting my bike race training for the 2013 season, I will be getting my ass kicked by another major surgery.  

I will share more about the type of surgery in another post.  It is just too exhausting to explain right now.  It has been consuming my mind and my extra time doing research.  

It can always be worse but for me, this is a big setback that I had not planned on.  It is not cancer this time (Thank GOD) but it is because of the cancer treatments that I have to go through this again.  

The good news is we were spared during the most recent storms that tore through the north east coast.  It is really bad for a lot of people and my heart hurts to see all the devastation.    

I was still able to get up to Maine for my nephews 2^nd birthday and it was a nice distraction from ALL the craziness around us and within my head. 

Happy Birthday J!  

Waiting for his birthday dinner!  

The cake- A handmade log truck.  So fitting for Maine and he is obsessed with trucks!  

Hope all my east coast blogger friends are safe and warm. 

S.M. 

The voices in my head.

I woke up Sunday morning not feeling much better than the day before.  My head was still stuffy and I had developed a cough.  I had a really good night rest so decided to stick with the plan and head up to the race.  I planned on just using this event as training anyway.  I told myself that I would not over do it and if for any reason I felt sick, I would stop.  It is a hard thing to do when you are out there but I have hurt myself in this type of heat before.  It ended badly with lots of puking and chills, so I had no interest in reenacting that nightmare.

I made some green juice for G and I and we were off to the race.  

It was already 78 degrees at 8:00 in the morning so we knew it was going to be a long hot day.

The heat and coughing just added to my normal list of issues I now have to deal with since surgery and treatments.  The heat just makes these issues worse- my ankles aching and arm tightening- I am sick of even talking about it so I am sure you all are sick of reading about it.  I am just starting to understand how to accept it- but I am not there yet. 

  

Racing is as much mental as it is physical.  A week ago, I actually felt like I could have done well in this race but you just never know until you start pedaling that day.  I felt pretty good heading into the woods.  I tried not to get carried away with the freight train of ‘sport’ class men that passed me on the trail. I just tried to find my own grove and settle in and let people pass when it was safe to do so.

It was not 45 minutes into the race when I heard my guy yell out- ‘is that my wonder woman?”.   I knew he would catch up to me so it was nice to hear his voice.  We actually ended up riding most of the race together and having a good time.  We both were struggling with the heat and the same cold.  For the record, he gave it to me. 

It was during the 4^th lap that I was starting to feel like a 5^th lap could potentially bury me.  G was having the same feeling so we both decided to end our race after 4 laps- 43 miles.

I thought for sure I was last, so we decided not to hang around in the blazing heat and headed home.  I was surprised to hear that I was not last and actually got 6^th place.  My lap times were not impressive by any means and while I did not cramp or overly fatigue myself- I still did not feel like I had a good performance but it did feel pretty good not to be last.

I could have gone further that day, I know I could have but I didn’t want to completely deplete my body so that I could not function the rest of the week.  Another lap could have put me in a world of hurt and it just was not worth it.  I felt pretty good Monday morning and I know that if I had pushed myself that would not be the case. 

Even my phone had enough of the heat! 

The more I think about it and the more I critique my race- the more I get mad about Sundays race and the races since my cancer diagnosis.  I am my own worst critic- I want to summon my race performances before my diagnosis.

I cannot help but get angry at cancer for setting me back so far from my competitors. 

I am racing now with women that I used to beat or had a chance of beating and they are crushing me.  It is so humbling.

I line up on the start line and think that I am lucky to even be there.  I think how these girls have no idea how hard it is for me to get back up to the strength that I have today.  I may look the part but truly, I am a long ways away from being in the top 3 of a race.  I have to allow my body to come back on its own which is not easy because it involves patience on my part.

    

I know that I have to get out of this mind set because it really is not helping me race any better.   

I am not as down on me as this sounds, but these are the voices in my head.  It is hard some days to tune them out.

I have settled into this place that is very unfamiliar to me and I do not like it any more.

Next up is the Darkhorse 40 in 1 month and I would like to have a good result. 

In the meantime, it is July 4 and the summer is flying by.  We are off to Maine for a long weekend of visiting G’s family and some friends of ours in Portland. 

Have a safe and happy 4^th of July. 

S.M. 

Out of Practice.

I woke up last Sunday morning at 5:45 am- it was race day! 

We had everything packed and ready to go- except for my green juice.  That must be made fresh.  I am convinced these drinks are making my joints and body feel better, so I did not want to miss my morning fix the day of the big race.  I even took some for my post race recovery.

G loaded the car and we were off to Stewart.  The sun was shining in a perfect blue sky and it was a chilly 40 degrees.  This was going to make for great racing conditions.

I felt almost out of sorts to be arriving at the race and actually being there as a racer and not just as a spectator.  It has been awhile.

People I saw would say- “It is great to see you.  Are you racing? How are you feeling?” 

I really didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling but my simple answer was – “I feel great- thanks!” 

This was a little lie, but who really needed to know the truth or would understand what I meant.  My hips had started to feel sore the day before.  I had even debated whether or not to take my Tamoxifen the night before in the hopes it would not hurt my performance.  Of course I took it, because I have to.   There is really no real pattern to why some days I have bad side effects from this drug and other days I do not.  My oncologist thinks it is more of a result of one of the other chemo's I took while in treatment-She seems to blame it all on Taxol.  My hand was better but my wrist was feeling a bit achy and that damn cording in my left arm decided to tighten up a few days before and no amount of stretching was really getting it to open up.

But all things considered, I did feel good. 

I lined up on the start line next to a friend of mine. We have raced together in the past and in my absence from the racing scene, she has just gotten stronger and faster.  She was going to give me a run for my money. 

I was not even as nervous to race as I thought I would be.  I am not sure why.  We were the last group of racers to go off and we headed down the long fire road before entering the first single track.  I was not quite out in front but was cruising along at a fairly steady pace.  Passed a few riders in the double track and I felt okay.  I kept trying to remind myself to stay within my limits as the race was long. 

It was about mile 8 or 9 that my legs just decided they didn’t want to play anymore. 

Then the self doubt started.

I went out too hard in the beginning; Maybe I didn’t warm up enough;  I should have spent more time on the road bike;  Ugh, these girls are just stronger than me; Stupid cancer treatments jacked me up for good.  

Or

Maybe I am just out of race practice! 

I kept trying to turn my pedals over, but it felt like I had lead in my legs and my hips were not rotating property.  Remember, it is a single speed race, and I only had one gear to work with. There was not much room on this course to spin out your legs- most of the time I was just pushing as hard as I could.   

At some point after the 12th mile, I gave up the chance of a top 3 finish and started thinking about a top 5 finish- it was still in reach. 

When I started to walk sections that I could have ridden when my legs were fresher/stronger, I knew I had to forget about what place I was going to finish and just try to finish the race. It was hard.

A lot of thoughts went through my mind as I attempted to pedal my single speed through the woods.  I did not have a computer on my bike to tell me how long I had pedaled or how much longer I had to go.  This was probably a good thing ,because at one point I wanted to quit.    

I tried to ignore the ‘noise’ in my head when I would get passed by another racer. 

I kept trying not to give up on myself.  

It was hard not to think about how far cancer has taken me out of the game and although I am back racing, I am a long way from really being “back” to where I was. That is one of the hardest things for me to cope with. 

Do I even like racing anymore?

It must have been at about mile 24 (only 4 miles to go) when I finally found a bit of peace within myself about my race performance being less than stellar.  I should just be proud of myself for getting back out there.  While I was desperate to get to the finish, I just kicked back and enjoyed the beautiful trails for my first race back.   

I was a bit surprised that I actually finished 6^th place and that I was not the last woman to cross the finish line.  There was actually 7 other women behind me and even a lot more men. 

This was not my best performance.  While I am not going to beat myself up over this, I will be forcing myself back on the road bike religiously until the Darkhorse 40 and Hampshire 100 in August.  It will be here before I know it and it sort of scares me a bit after Sunday.

    

It is early season and my first race back.  I could just be battling treatment side-effects  forever or maybe I am just out of racing practice.  I am hopeful that I just need more practice.

S.M. 

Racer Girl.

Blue ride with my guy.  Only break that we took that day. 

Two years ago almost to the day, I was training to race my first Cat. 1 mountain bike racing season.   To some, that may not be that big of a deal and for others, you may not even know what I am talking about.  There are 4 cross country mountain bike racing categories.  Cat. 3 (beginner), Cat.2 (Intermediate or sport), Cat 1 (Expert) and then if you are lucky enough to get sponsored, there is Pro.   I had raced a year and a half in Cat 2.  My first full season in Cat 2 was in 2009 and because I had such great results, it was time to challenge myself a bit further.  This mostly means that the length of the race would go up but it also has a lot to do with the competition.  The racers are stronger. 

Ten days before my first race in April 2010, I was completely derailed with a cancer diagnosis.  I went from training for bike racing to using all that strength up kicking cancers ass with surgeries and ridiculous amounts of treatment that has changed my body forever. 

I have since been trying to build up my strength to race competitively in this 2012 season.  If you have been following along, you know that last year I did race and completed two endurance races.  While I do not want to down play those races, they were clearly not my most competitive.  My results were not what mattered most.  It was my way to say “Fuck You” to cancer.  It was all about picking a goal and finishing it.  I needed something to distract me.  I have always used cycling as my escape and cancer did not change that.  I had no expectations.  Nor did I really feel like anyone else did either. 

This year, I want things to be different.  I do not want to be that “cancer girl” on the start line- I want to be the racer girl that feels she can compete with the best of them.

   

I have been going back and forth in my mind about racing this season in Cat 1 or Cat 2.  After checking in on my ego, I realize the best choice for me is to start back in Cat. 2 and see how it all goes.   I can always move up from there.

 

My first race will be the Chainstretcher on April 22.  It is the first race of the Hudson to Highlands race series as well as my first race really ‘back’ to racing.  It is held on my home turf and at one of my favorite places to ride – Blue Mountain Reservation

.   

I really have no clue how this race will pan out but as I line up on that start line, I hope to find that inner racer girl again. 

S.M.  

"Normal"

I thought I would start off with getting my medical update out of the way.  I received my endometrial biopsy results back and the doctor said results were “normal”.  Ahh, yes-  I can breathe…. I was trying really hard not to think about it and I knew in my heart my luck could not be that bad.  (I do say that with a bit of caution).  My doctors will continue to make me do follow-up ultra sounds but “normal” was music to my ears this week. 

 

So, life carries on as “normal” or at least my new version of normal.  This is a complicated word for me and there is no simple definition for someone young who has had cancer or lives with a chronic disease.  I am still trying to figure out what is my “normal” supposed to really feel like.  I always hear others in similar situations use the phrase, “new normal”- but I struggle with that.  Things are not the way they used to be before treatment that is for sure.  Do I want that old me back?  You bet I do- without the cancer of course.

Mind and Body. 

 

Is my body normal?  Not even close.  I have a scar under my left armpit and an indent from where they took a chunk of lymph nodes out.  18 to be exact and while the scar appears to be getting better the indent it left behind is so big that I can not shave properly.   Trivial, yes- but certainly not normal.  I still have cording under my left arm that some days forces pain down my arm to my wrist.  If it is really bad, it shoots across my chest taking my breath away in pain.  It is better than it was, but the pain is still  there.  I am hoping after my exchange surgery, it helps relieve some of the extra stress there.  I have X ‘s where my nipples used to be.   I will always have fake boobs.   While that may be fine for some women, I feel justified to say that it is much different than making the choice to have breast augmentation.  It is not the same thing by a long shot.  My body is fighting back every day to filter out the treatments and the after effects of the past year.  It wants to feel strong again; I want to feel strong again. But sometimes the odds are against me and I have to give in and rest.  I guess there are lots of people that can complain about aches and pains in their knees, ankles and arms but mine are all reminders of having had cancer.   A little different than the aches of the aging process, because it reminds me that it was trying to kill me.

Is my mind normal?  Not sure really.   It is still a bit foggy from all the drugs and I think the Tamoxifen is not helping that part of the side-effect recovery either. 

Worry- I have a lot of that and it hits me randomly throughout the day.  Sometimes it scares me enough  to wake me up in the middle of the night.   I have to assume that most women my age are not worried about the same things as I am.   I would love to wake up in the morning and go about my day without the fear of a recurrence ever crossing my mind- it does.  Or question if I made the right treatment choices- this is a hard one for me.   I get envious, or dare I say jealous, of what others appear to have that I want: Marriage, children, or the overall feeling of immortality that I use to have.   I want to complain about the little things again.    

“Didn’t this experience make you feel grateful?” I have had people ask me that among other loaded questions.  I guess I would rather have people ask me questions than ignore the subject with me completely.   I was pretty well in touch with my sense of gratitude before my diagnosis so the answer is NO, Cancer didn’t really make me more grateful, but I do look at things and people a lot differently. 

    

My body is for sure not a normal 37 year old body.  But yet, I am still better physically fit then some that have not been through major cancer treatment.  My mind does not think like a normal 37 year old woman.  My relationships are no longer the same.  Some have strengthened and some have weakened almost to a failing point.  I have really learned to know who I can count on and who is just outright unreliable.  This path has introduced me to amazing new people that have offered me so much generous support in ways I never imagined- life changing support.  I have seen and felt what true love is really like.  So, yes...I have many things to be grateful for.  

In April of 2010, my world got hijacked and it will never be “normal’.  Most of this I have learned to accept but acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like it!  

For those that know me best, I am not looking for pity, but rather understanding.   I write this not to make it seem like I am bitter or angry, but to let people know that I am still here just trying to work this all out-it is my great  human struggle to make sense of all of this.   I may appear back to “normal’ in your eyes, but from this view, I will never really be “normal”.  

Thank you for reading. 

S.M.

Photo courtesy of ~Aria~ Flickr Photostream.

Race report and Timelines.

G and I woke up last Saturday morning and headed out for our morning pedal.  Nothing too intense- just a short spin up the OCA to get our legs to open up a bit and make sure the bikes were race ready.  I was careful to not overdo it the week prior.  I just do not have the same recovery time as I used to and have not even figured out what is really too much.  

Old Croton Aqueduct -OCA

True to form, my Herceptin treatment made my knees and ankles achy and I just felt sluggish.  I am sort of getting used to it but it doesn’t make it any easier.  I cannot wait until my last one on the 18^th!  In the meantime, I just hoped that the next morning, I would feel better.  

Taking a rest at the framers market on our way home.

Some of our yummy treats for the house.

Apricots were off the hook!

Racing not only involves a lot of physical preparation but it takes a lot of time and energy to make sure all the bikes, gear and nutrition are all in order.  This has to be done the day/night prior since we would be up at 5:30 Sunday morning.  I usually like to also plan my dinner well so I eat the right things and early enough.  I don't want to eat too late or I feel too full the next morning to eat my breakfast.  

The alarm went off Sunday morning and G and I both stood around the coffee machine.  “I don’t miss this part of racing” he says.  I grumbled in agreement as I patiently waited for my morning brew and assessed how I was feeling.    In the past years, on race day mornings, I would wake up all excited and do a little chant/clapping thing saying “It’s race day, race day, race day”!   Well, that did not happen this Sunday morning.  In fact, I really was wondering if I was going to make it to the start line let alone the finish line. 

Gear and bikes were loaded in the car and we were ready to head north.  We made great time, rolled into the lot and I realized at that moment-it’s on.  It is officially race day.   As always, it is great to see the familiar faces.  The Dark Horse promoters always put on a top notch event and draw a packed house.  It helped to feed my energy and get my butt in gear.  We signed in, kitted up and decided to warm up a bit.  The sun was already blazing.  It was going to be a hot one!  

The race started off with a 3 mile fire road to break up the field a bit.  They started the women single speeders with the men single speeders but I quickly fell to the back of the pack.  I settled into my spin and just tried to get my body into a groove.  My knees hurt and legs were a bit heavy but overall I felt decent going into the first single track.  It wasn’t until the second half of the first lap that I started to really question my choice of racing my single speed for 40 miles.  It was at mile 14-17 where most of the punchy climbs were and my legs were just not opening up.  I got to the feed zone after the first lap and took a few minutes to regroup.  I did not stop at any of the other water stations so felt I needed to take an extra minute.  I almost stopped too long because my mind started questioning my body and I was pretty close to calling it.  I scanned the sidelines and there were racers that had already given up and they were not going back out.   I started to get myself set to go and I heard a voice yell out “Get going Reba”. It was my friend Jocelyn.  She was not able to race this day due to her own medical issues.  I owed it to both of us to get back out there so off I went.   

That second half was a huge struggle for me.  I did seem to find a lot of strength in the fact that last year, I was on the couch sick as a dog from my chemo treatment and I could not even make it up there as a spectator.  I started to really feel the heat and my left arm started hurting something awful.  By mile 30, my right foot started up with the neuropathy side effects and my hands went numb.  It was a real push to get myself to that finish line but I did it.  It was no record time for me but it was not my worst performance either!

I am grateful that I was able to race and I always have a great time with the whole scene.  But, I think I will be taking the rest of the season off of racing and will just try and enjoy riding my bike...maybe I'll do one more.   

Monday afternoon was my endometrial biopsy.  I was still exhausted from the race and my body was hurting all over.  I was ill prepared for this procedure.  I was told it may be uncomfortable and pinch a bit.  Really? Okay, I can handle that.  Well, let me tell you.  It was outright painful and caught me way off guard.  Once the doctor was finished, I had some cramping and bleeding for a few hours but nothing too crazy. It was just that 10 minutes of hell that I will remember for a long time so I hope I never have to do that again.  Results may be a week or two but I am really not worrying about it.    

So, this has been a long week but the good news is, G and I are heading up to Maine for the weekend.  Cooler temperatures, casual bike rides and good eats!  Last time we went up there, I couldn’t do as much because I was still recovering from my surgery.  I have to look back at these timelines so that I can remember how far I have really come. 

Have a great weekend!

S.M.

Trying to find balance: is it ever really possible?

Out of my handful of doctors, I have/had a Dr. A., Dr. B and a doctor D.  I have been joking all along that all I was missing is a Dr. C. 

Well, not any more- Meet Dr. C. my new GYN that has taken over as one of my many watchful eyes.  I had a follow up appointment with him last week to go over my most recent ultra sound results from the end of last month.  I had no reason to be overly concerned, as I had received a copy of the report from my oncologist when I went in for my Herceptin treatment.  She didn’t seem too worried.  Her response was matter of factly-“they are going to continue to torture you with these follow up tests.”   She then wrote out a script for yet another ultra sound follow up. 

She was right about the constant torture of being poked and probed, because Dr. C. is a bit concerned with the most recent findings.  Among many potential side effects that Tamoxifen can cause, the thickening of the endometrial lining is one of them.  In a rare case this can lead to endometrial or uterine cancer.  This is one of the things they are monitoring when I get these ultra sounds.   The new findings show mine has almost doubled in size in 3 months.   This could be my body just trying to adjust to the Tamoxifen or it could mean that my body is up to no good.  

I am scheduled for an endometrial biopsy in two weeks.  I really wish I did not have to take this drug.  I would be lying if I told you that this biopsy did not scare me.  Frankly, it is causing me a bit of anxiety to have to go in for this biopsy- The last biopsy I had on April 13^th of 2010 set off a whole chain of events, so I am still a bit gun shy if you know what I mean.   

  

I really should not complain because none of this is really hindering me physically, so I am able to work full time again and ride my bike as much as time permits.   G and I have been enjoying the summer and have had some awesome rides trying to get ourselves ready for the next big race.  The Dark Horse 40 is less than two weeks away and I have officially switched my entry so that I will be racing my single speed.   

G took this photo during a great day in the woods.  You should be able to view larger if you click on it. 

My sister has been down from Maine since the end of June and will continue to be here until the first week of August working her summer job.   It has been so awesome getting to spend time with her and my nephew Jesse.  I feel so lucky to get this extra time with them both.   Last year was so different for us since she was pregnant and I was sick or recovering the whole time.  

Me and Jesse -4th of July

 

Despite these new findings and feeling like I am still stuck in the ‘cancer vortex’, I have found comfort in the fact that those days are becoming fewer and farther apart.  I am not immersed in it all every moment of everyday.   Still trying to find that balance.   

Taking in the sunset together on the Hudson River.