Inquiring minds want to know.

I will cut to the chase. 

My pathology report FINALLY came in today and it is all clear!  The delay had a lot to do with the holidays but also they were double checking some funny looking scar tissue- my technical translation.  The pathologists had to run additional stains to make sure that there was no cancer.   I do like that they were being thorough but really glad that wait is over.

Exhale…

I have been going back to the doctor weekly to get my left side drained of fluid. 

Today, the fluid was half of what it was last week so that is good news.  I do not have to go back for another two weeks but that also means I will not have exercise clearance for two more weeks.  Of course my birthday falls within that two week time period but oh well.  I still have to wear the compression strap 24/7 but I am getting used to it and I know this is just temporary. 

I have been feeling really well minus the fact that I still cannot ride my bike or exercise at all.  I am a tad grumpy about it but I can’t change it so no point in complaining (too much).  The scars are healing up nicely and I am more and more comfortable with my new self than I ever thought I would be. 

2013 has started off slow and a little bumpy but I have felt nothing but good energy for the days ahead! 

Happy New Year!

S.M. 

Graduation Day!

Yesterday was my 4 month follow up with my medical oncologist, Dr W.   I have been feeling pretty well overall so there was not too much to discuss.  We had some of our normal conversations regarding my dizziness, my arm pain and we discussed my joint pain.  “It is what it is” was her response.  This is her typical response.  She is not dismissive of these complaints but has no solid answers for me.  Her thought is that most of this is still residual effects of all the treatment.  I agree with her and think that the Tamoxifen is also playing a part.  

 

She seemed pleased with last month’s blood work from my internist but still ran our standard.  Results were overall fantastic and my tumor markers were stable so I have graduated from every 4 months to 6 month follow ups!   This is a big deal in the cancer vortex.  I was a little surprised but Dr W is not a worry wart.  “You are all good- just call me if something comes up“were her last words as she walked out the door.  

I had an extra bounce in my step as I left the building knowing that my next appointment with her was not until mid-October! 

Although this is not a graduation of completion (that will never happen), I will take this milestone as a wonderful gift for my two year “cancerversary”!

I honored my body for all its hard work with a quick celebratory pedal in the woods during my lunch break. 

We have come a long way…

S.M.

Getting back on track.

I have quite a bit of filler I could use to bring you up to date on the past few weeks but I won't bother with every detail.  For the most part, things having been getting better. Just hectic since after Thanksgiving so not much time to write.  Here are some highlights from the weekend in Maine.  

After a very rainy drive, we woke up Thanksgiving morning to this beautiful snowy day. 

Great walk before the feast.

All cleaned up  and ready for dinner. 

At my sisters house with my nephews.  I think D was excited for his Star Wars Legos we brought him.  

J is getting so big!  

Cuddled up with my beautiful sister ♥  It was cold up in Maine!

The most important thing that I can report is I am finally getting back on track.  I am some what superstitious so tend to be hesitant to write these sorts of statements, but I am feeling good.  Some of it must be the further out I get from my last surgery and some of it is me finally jumping off the 'pity pot' and just doing what I know I need to do.  

My new boobs don't quite feel like mine yet.  They feel like more of an accessory most days.  It is not that I have much of a choice right now but I am giving them a chance.  I can't just take them off when they don't feel right. Clothes are fitting better, I am sleeping better and I feel a bit more comfortable on the bike.  My plastic surgeon is pleased with my results and she thinks my healing has finally turned a corner.  She is already discussing the next phase - nipple reconstruction and revisions.  Yes, revisions.  A couple things are just not quite as she would like them.  "I would not want to do anything until at least January" she said on my most recent follow up.  My response was "January 2013 is more of what I had in mind!”. There is no way I can mentally handle another surgery right now or in the near future.  I need to change my focus onto something else. 

I have a heavy but exciting race schedule ahead for next season and it will start in mid April.  I better get my butt in gear.  I have been back in the woods riding when I can to get more comfortable on the bike again.  I also decided to hell with my indoor trainer-it is lonely and boring!   I know, some of you don’t believe in this form of training but I am taking spin classes again.   I enjoy being outdoors so much more but some mornings it is just too damn cold or I do not have enough time.  I push myself more in these classes than I do at home on the trainer by myself.  There are a couple good instructors I know and they teach great classes so I decided to sign up.  It actually may help me focus on finding my speed again.  I know it is too early to really start working on speed for next season but honestly, I have gotten slower than a turtle since my treatments began 20 month ago.

I have been feeling a bit off balance and dizzy for a quite a while now.  I keep telling myself it will go away or get better.  It has not gotten better but it does not seem to have gotten any worse. There is an unwritten rule or saying in the cancer vortex – wait two weeks and in some cases wait a little longer- it may just go away on its own.  I never said anything to my oncologist during my visit back in September but I just had my 3 month follow up last week and thought I should let her know.  There is always that part of me that never wants to say anything because then I may end up with more scans or tests.  What if a scan reveals  something serious like the cancer has returned in my brain?!   Do I really want to know that? That may seem quite extreme to some of you but that is my reality.  It can happen.  I can’t just be clumsy, off my game or have headaches without the fear of recurrence setting in.  Then there is my intellectual side that reminds me that I have to be an advocate for my own health and my doctor only scans on symptoms.  If I don’t say anything, how will she know what is going on.  So, I put it down on the check-list of symptoms.  Of course she asked me about it.  I guess she actually reads that list.  This is a two page check list of symptoms that all patients fill out before the appointment.  98% of my answers were no!  She didn’t seem overly concerned about the dizziness but she did suggest an MRI of my brain just to see what is going on.   I had a CT brain scan this past summer but an MRI is a better scan.  Now that I do not have metal inside me, it is an option.  No radiation involved in an MRI but it is nerve racking non the less.  I managed to talk my way out of it this time and promised if it gets worse, I will call her for the MRI script.  If no changes or it lessons, I will not have to see her until April again for another routine follow up.  We can revisit it then.  Her thoughts on the dizziness was more to due with residual damage from the chemotherapy drug.  Specifically the Taxol.  She mentioned neuropathy as a possible cause and that it could affect the brain.  I had and still have obvious signs of neuropathy in my feet but never really thought about it in my brain.  G was along for this follow up and he asked her if this would get better with time? Her response was- sometimes yes but most of the time if it presents itself, it is a long term side effect.  We were both unimpressed with that answer.  I guess this is what they mean when they say "chemo, the gift that keeps on giving".  Her suggestion was to be careful with running, biking, climbing ladders or anything that I could lose my balance.  Well that is going to be difficult.  I am hoping that the dizziness just goes away. 

Speaking of balance, I am excited to report that I am continuing on with my Pilates certification and had another intense workshop last weekend.  It was so much material and a very advanced class but it felt great to challenge myself again both mentally and physically.  I can’t believe how much of my core strength I have lost in 2 months!  

I do not know who really reads my blog unless they comment on it but every once and a while I get a gentle nudge from a reader or friend who asks why I have not written in a while.  Thank you all for your concerns.   I am getting back on track; back on my bike; back to my daily routine and in turn getting back to feeling more like myself- whatever that is these days. 

Back in the woods. 

I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday season. 

S.M.

Trying to find balance: is it ever really possible?

Out of my handful of doctors, I have/had a Dr. A., Dr. B and a doctor D.  I have been joking all along that all I was missing is a Dr. C. 

Well, not any more- Meet Dr. C. my new GYN that has taken over as one of my many watchful eyes.  I had a follow up appointment with him last week to go over my most recent ultra sound results from the end of last month.  I had no reason to be overly concerned, as I had received a copy of the report from my oncologist when I went in for my Herceptin treatment.  She didn’t seem too worried.  Her response was matter of factly-“they are going to continue to torture you with these follow up tests.”   She then wrote out a script for yet another ultra sound follow up. 

She was right about the constant torture of being poked and probed, because Dr. C. is a bit concerned with the most recent findings.  Among many potential side effects that Tamoxifen can cause, the thickening of the endometrial lining is one of them.  In a rare case this can lead to endometrial or uterine cancer.  This is one of the things they are monitoring when I get these ultra sounds.   The new findings show mine has almost doubled in size in 3 months.   This could be my body just trying to adjust to the Tamoxifen or it could mean that my body is up to no good.  

I am scheduled for an endometrial biopsy in two weeks.  I really wish I did not have to take this drug.  I would be lying if I told you that this biopsy did not scare me.  Frankly, it is causing me a bit of anxiety to have to go in for this biopsy- The last biopsy I had on April 13^th of 2010 set off a whole chain of events, so I am still a bit gun shy if you know what I mean.   

  

I really should not complain because none of this is really hindering me physically, so I am able to work full time again and ride my bike as much as time permits.   G and I have been enjoying the summer and have had some awesome rides trying to get ourselves ready for the next big race.  The Dark Horse 40 is less than two weeks away and I have officially switched my entry so that I will be racing my single speed.   

G took this photo during a great day in the woods.  You should be able to view larger if you click on it. 

My sister has been down from Maine since the end of June and will continue to be here until the first week of August working her summer job.   It has been so awesome getting to spend time with her and my nephew Jesse.  I feel so lucky to get this extra time with them both.   Last year was so different for us since she was pregnant and I was sick or recovering the whole time.  

Me and Jesse -4th of July

 

Despite these new findings and feeling like I am still stuck in the ‘cancer vortex’, I have found comfort in the fact that those days are becoming fewer and farther apart.  I am not immersed in it all every moment of everyday.   Still trying to find that balance.   

Taking in the sunset together on the Hudson River.  

Recovery and Updates.

The past couple of weeks since the Bearscat  has been all about rest and recovery for me.  I still rode a little but not with any real intensity.  I had  caught a nasty head cold the week following the race, so I tried to take it easy and honor my body.  I have made my body work extra hard this year and I owed it a little break. 

Feeling well rested, the break is over and I am back to training with some focus on my speed.   This was the least important thing for me during the past 5 months.  I have put the base miles in my legs so now it’s time to ramp things up a bit. 

During this recovery period, our local mountain bike club- WMBA- had their annual Fat Tire Festival at Blue Mountain Reservation in Peekskill, NY. I look forward to this event every year.  I was unable to ride last year, as I was only 2 weeks post op and could hardly move. So this years attendance meant a lot more to me than normal.   

I had volunteered to lead the woman's ride again.  My friends Helen and Kim helped as we took 12 women into the woods.  For some, this was their first time on real single track and rocks were not something they considered 'rolling'.

Just look up and don't hit the brakes! 

And away she goes....

Helen took some photos, while Kim and I stood at the base of this rock shouting out encouragement to the beginner rider.   I'm so glad that Helen caught this moment because that is what leading that ride is all about for me:  Giving at least one woman the confidence on her bike that she may not have gotten on her own.  She did her first rock roll down and I was so proud of her.  When I saw her later on that day at the festival, she was still smiling. 

 

 

YES, she did it! 

We were all smiles that day at the festival.

What a great day!  ♥

I am feeling pretty good these days.  I have been hearing from a lot of people comments like, “you look so great”, “wow, you would never have known...”.   While all those complements feel great, I have to remind people that it was a lot of work to get my physical self back together.  The hair was going to grow, that was a given but the extra chemo weight and building up my strength again was all me.  I had a lot of help and motivation from G and I still can’t say enough good things about the pilates program through Body Wise Connection: what Joy has done for me has been really tremendous.  Now if I could just have the emotional healing catch up to the physical healing…..

It seems all my 3 month doctor follow ups hit at the same time.  It started with a follow up appointment with my breast surgeon.  I am happy to say I have nothing to report there. All looks good- phew.  The following week I had my routine Echocardiogram and according to the tech “you have a beautiful heart”.  Aw, shucks! But seriously, this is a very good thing to hear.  The Adriamicyn (the red devil chemo drug) and the Herceptin both have a very high cardiac toxicity so hearing those words is a relief.  It also means I was clear for my Herceptin treatment last week.   I did not have to see my oncologist so I was in and out of the chemo suite as fast as they could move me.  The next follow up was last Friday with my plastic surgeon.  All looks good there as well.  We spoke mostly about the next steps in the breast reconstruction process- no, I am not done!  We discussed what the procedure would be like to exchange my tissue expanders with the silicone implants. She even let me hold some sample implants to see what they feel like.  They are so much softer than what I have now and I can’t wait!  Well actually, I can wait.  I am choosing to wait until October to have my exchange surgery for two main reasons.  First, it is summer and I do not want to be off the bike again.  I lost last summer because of surgery and chemo and I am not willing to give that up on purpose.  Second, the longer my skin has to heal from radiation, the better chance I will have for a successful surgery.  There is always a 50% chance that the new implant will not work out for me because of the radiation.  I knew this but it is still a tough statistic to swallow.  I am just keeping positive and I will continue to take this whole process one step at a time. 

In the meantime, I plan on continuing to enjoy my summer. 

S.M.

Steady miles and spreading the love.

Despite the predicted snow this past weekend, G and I manged to get 5 1/2 hours of road riding in.  Saturday was a chilly start and we even saw some snow flurries!  Once we got moving, we warmed up and were able to get in just over 33 steady miles.  

On Sunday, I was invited to join some fellow mountain bike racers for a group road ride.  It was so awesome to have the invite and it made me feel really great to have this particular group even think of including me.  I had to graciously decline as I am not feeling quite ready for a ride at a group pace.  I'll get there, but it is so important for me to take it slow right now.  I still got out there on Sunday and finished another 37 miles with my guy.  He is so encouraging and helps me in more ways then he even knows.  I could not ask for a better training partner.   

I felt really great both days.  I was a little more comfortable and steadier on the Sunday ride.  My legs felt strong.  My heart rate was steady and my lungs felt clear.  This is all very promising that I will be back up to speed in no time.  As much as I miss riding my bike in the woods,  being out there on the open road made my head clearer than it has been in weeks. 

My arm felt alright....Not great,  but not horrible.  I need to build my strength up in my arms again so I can lean over on the handle bars for long distances. I am still in physical therapy and it seems to be helping my arm cording a lot.  I wear a compression sleeve while I'm riding.  According to my therapist, I show no signs of lymphedema but she suggests that I wear the sleeve during strenuous exercise or heavy lifting. I am not sure I completely believe that it will prevent me from getting lymphedema but as long as it's not hurting me, why not?! 

I have a busy week ahead.  It seems like my cancer treatment/follow up care is still a full time job.  I already had P/T today and will have my second session on Thursday.  Tomorrow morning I have to head back to the dentist to have my second filling replaced since I ended treatment.  I have read of some patients having horrible teeth problems post treatment.  I just didn't expect it so soon!  Actually my teeth and gum's looks great so it could just be a coincidence that two fillings broke within two weeks....I go straight from the dentist to my  6 week follow up with my radiation oncologist.  Hard to believe I have been finished radiation for 6 weeks already!  My skin looks good and I feel good so I don't anticipate this being a long appointment. 

For the most part, life is coming back to a sense of normalcy for me.  I still have moments of What the hell happened to me?!  but  I am sure I always will.  It will hopefully fade away with time.

It is Valentines Day and at the risk of sounding totally corny- I am so grateful for all the love in my life.  Family, friends and of course my guy.  I could never have done this without all of you.  I am a lucky woman.


Happy Valentines Day to all of you! 

♥