Race or Ride?

After quite a bit of back and forth in my head, I decided to go for it.  I renewed my license and entered in with the Cat 1 women this past Sunday at the Chain Stretcher.  It was a pretty humbling experience and I have a hard time not being slightly mortified by my results. 

I lined up with some of the strongest women bike racers that I know.  I have been watching them get stronger every year and I knew I was going to get my butt whooped out there.   I kept telling myself that it did not matter.  Just to finish and feel good.  But it does kind of matter.  

We headed into the woods and at the first technical section; they were all bottled up on the rocks.  I was in the back of the pack which caused me to have to get off my bike.  When I was able to get back on my bike, I could see them disappear into the woods.  I caught a glimpse of a couple of the racers in the first bit of single track but thought I better not chase them down and burn all my matches.  In hindsight, that was probably not the best plan.  I spent the rest of the race or should I say ride, solo. My pace was not what I would call a race pace.  I knew I was really slow when the pro and cat 1 men started to pass me on my 2nd lap while they were finishing their 3^rd lap.  As I finished my 2nd lap, I knew I had to keep going just to get it done.   

It was at least a beautiful day to ride and the course was a lot of fun.  I tried to enjoy just being out there and I did.  

I have told people that I am ridiculously slow right now but realized just how slow I really am.  The results say it all.   I finished in last place and quite a ways behind the rest of the women.   Yes, I finished and did not give up but I do not remember really feeling like I had the ability to push myself harder to go faster.   I felt strong but I still have a lot of work to do to get back up to speed.  Sigh…

Although it may sound like it, I am not really down on myself.  I put myself back out there.  I do realize that while everyone has been getting stronger over the past 3 years, I have been getting the crap kicked out of me health wise.   Being a good mountain bike racer does not just happen overnight.  During the line up for the start of the race, I realized that I have only been back on the bike for a little over two months since my surgery in December. That is certainly not enough time for me to prep for good race results.   It is only April after all! 

Will I keep racing?  Hell yes! 

This Sunday is Single Speed- A – Palooza and I am registered with a good size field of sport class women. I will show up and do my best.  Maybe I won’t come in last place this time and if I do, that is okay.  It is always a fun event and a great scene so I am looking forward to it.  The course is usually fast so I will see if I can ramp it up a bit this Sunday. 

S.M. 

I looked the part...

Looking forward.

This week marks 3 years from my cancer diagnosis.  This anniversary did not come with the anticipated anxiety that the previous years have.   It is not that the fear of recurrence has completely escaped my mind but I am trying to look forward.  The side effects from my treatments continue to be painful reminders of what I have been through but I refuse to let them stop me in my tracks.   I am just learning to accept them even if they slow me down.  

Moving forward, I am hoping to keep my focus on my career change as a full time Pilates instructor and working with the non-for-profit helping other cancer patients.   It has really been my silver lining that has come out of the ‘cancer vortex’.  I am following my heart on this one and have faith that it will lead to all good things.  Besides, it makes me feel good about myself. 

Racing season is here.  I have been struggling with renewing my USA Cycling license.   If I renew my license the way I left it in 2010, I will be racing as Cat 1.  I really have no interest in downgrading my license and going backwards to Cat 2 but I also fear the pressure this may put on me to get back into the shorter cross country race scene.  I have been racing more endurance races and ones that do not require a USA Cycling license so until now, it has not been an issue.  I had intended to get back into the local cross country scene this year so I need to make a decision and quickly.  The first race is this Sunday and of course it is on my home turf... The Chainstretcher at Blue Mountain Reservation. 

We were lucky enough to get out to Sedona last week for a mini-vacation.  It was sort of a last minute decision to head out there for G's sisters engagement party.  I am so glad we went for many reasons but we were also able to squeak in a couple really amazing days of mountain biking.  That place would be how I imagine heaven!  

The most important thing that I can write about today is -  I am cancer free and I feel pretty damn good about that! 

To those that have been following along over the past 3 years, thank you. 

Knowing you are all out there cheering me on, really helps to get through those hard days. 

Happy Spring! 

G and I in Sedona last week ♥

S.M. 

Some quick updates

First day back on the bike! 

I am back in physical therapy 2 times a week.  My therapist would like it if I could fit in 3 times but I am pushing for just the 2.  The diagnosis is weak at best- mild or slight lymphedema.  A 3% change since my last measurements a year ago.  I may notice more because I feel like I am really in tune with my body, especially when something does not feel right.  I am back to having to wear my compression sleeve on a regular basis and now have to practice manual lymph drainage massage on myself.  It sounds intense but it really is quite easy and only takes about 5-10 minutes.  It all seems to be helping, as the swelling in my arm is actually getting better and you almost can’t tell.  I think a lot has to do with me being back to my regular exercise routine.  I am a firm believer that exercise is the key to keeping a healthy lymphatic system and lymphedema under control.  It will never go away, but if managed properly, the symptoms can be non-existent.  In the grand scheme of things, this is more of a nuisance even with the swelling and pain it causes. 

It has not stopped me from getting back on the bike or back to the Pilates studio.  I have only really had a chance to ride outside 3 times since I was cleared to exercise.  I have been able to get to a couple spin classes which I most certainly need to whip my ass back in shape.   I am feeling the 5+ weeks of a sedentary lifestyle. 

I am still a bit skittish on the trails but I am already getting some confidence back.  No matter what, each surgery seems to take some confidence from me, on the bike.  As for my fitness, there was some major fitness loss but my endurance seems to have held up okay.  I am certainly feeling quite slow but I know it will come back. 

Overall, I am feeling so much better, especially without the implants pushing on my pectoral muscles when I pedal or try to maneuver over an obstacle on the trail. 

I have a lot of work to do but I am up for the challenge. 

S.M. 

Game On!

The last few weeks have been jam packed with work, family visits and many birthday celebrations.  Thank goodness I was so distracted since this has been a very long 5 weeks without exercise!  

Special Birthday visitors. 

Story time with MoMo

Birthday dinner with my guy. 

More birthday celebration...

Smiles. 

My follow up appointment with Dr DP was Wednesday and I was cleared to stop wearing my compression strap and am now free to start exercising.  There is still a tiny bit of fluid on my left side but nothing that should not absorb into my body-I hope.

 

You would think that I would have jumped right on the bike but that did not happen. 

Both my road and my mountain bike are in the shop getting tuned up.  I should have at least one of them back by the weekend.  While there is always my single speed- it currently has a flat tire and I was not quite ready to jump on the single speed, just yet.

   

It was 8 degrees Thursday morning so I opted to head to the gym to try my turn on one of the many cardio machines since the spin class was full.  It was probably better for me to start off slow.  I sort of enjoyed eating my way through the holidays so there is a lot of work to be done on my part. 

   

I won’t bore you with the details of a gym workout but I do want to share something about that morning.  

I was digging through my draw looking for clothes to wear to the gym.  I put on one of my old sports bras mostly for  comfort to protect my scars.  The scars are still sensitive and probably will be for a while.  I put a shirt over the bra and looked down.  I had a moment.  Not the “Oh, what have I done moment” but more of,  “You got this, woman!”.  This was my first time really showing off my flat chest openly where nobody knows me.  Funny thing was I don’t think anyone really noticed and if they did, I really do not care.   I actually felt so much freer while I was exercising.  The implants never felt totally comfortable and I always knew they were there.  This all comes back around to – this is all me!

 

I have been noticing some strange things happening with my left arm.  The cording is still there but it does seem less tight than before.  I know that when I get back in the Pilates studio, I can work on stretching that out some more.  The strange and somewhat disturbing part is the swelling.  It is in my hand, half my wrist and elbow area but my arm just looks bigger than the right one.  I have scheduled an appointment to go back to physical therapy to get reevaluated for lymphedema.    My unprofessional opinion is I already have it ad the compression band around my chest may have just restricted my lymph drainage.  It probably was a bad combination with surgery already being a high risk for developing lymphedema.  But, there was no choice. I am still hopeful that I can get this sorted out before it gets out of hand.   It is manageable but pretty uncomfortable and my compression sleeve just makes the cording hurt more.   

Game on!

I have most of my race schedule on the calendar for this season and registrations have already started to open for some of the more popular races that I want to enter.  I have a long way to go and a shorter time to get back into shape.  I want to attempt to actually be competitive this year so we will see.  Regardless, I have a full schedule of races planned.  The race season starts as early as April so it should be interesting.  I am sure to get my butt kicked but that is okay.  It will not be the first time.  I just have to do the work to build myself back up again.  There is something more rewarding in that than the actual race.    

Thank you for all the nice messages and support.  It is nice to know people are still following along.  

S.M. 

Walk in the woods with my guy. 

Daring to be great- Hampshire 100 Recap

G and I had driven up the day prior to the big race and spent the night in the cute little town of Peterborough, NH.  It was only minutes from the Hampshire 100 start/finish and we had a bed to sleep in instead of camping.   It did not seem to matter much since I did not get a good night sleep anyway.  I was probably overly anxious about the long day ahead and the fact that my alarm was going to go off at 5 am.  I do not wake up that early on purpose- ever! 

I had no idea what to expect that morning.

It was less than 50 degrees at the start and the sun was shining.  It was an amazingly beautiful morning for a bike ride and was a huge relief from the insanely hot and humid weather we have had this summer on New York.   

6:45 am came quickly and we were off!  There were 400+ racers in total but not everyone was racing the 100 mile option.  The past 5 years of this event has “only” been a 100 K and this was the first year they were added to the NUE race series with the extra mileage option.  Of course I signed up for the 100 mile category. 

The race started off pretty quickly and I tried to just settle into my own race.  It was hard to do. I look back now and I am sure that the ‘bike buzz’ got the best of me for the first 20 or so miles.   I started out with a couple other women.  One of them was a single speeder- Hannah. And the other was a woman that I knew from New York, Chrissy.  It was nice to have a familiar face to start off with and she has done a 100 miler before.  I figured if I just stick with her for a bit, I could maybe find a good steady pace.  It was working for a while.  

G had decided to wait for me at the first aide station and we quickly headed off together. 

We pedaled with our friend Shoogs for a while.  We pedaled the course with no idea what was ahead of us.   I had read the course description but when you are out there in the mix, nothing really is what you thought it would be. 

We had a pretty good pace and my spirits were high. The course started to pick up some steam.  Railroad tie bridges; ‘the beach’; jeep trails with techy descents and loose steep climbs; the power line climb- which apparently had a great view if you turned around.   I didn’t look behind me all day.  Freshly cut single track that sapped my legs on ever pedal.  Mud, roots, rocks.  It was never ending.  

Rolling up on a man playing the fiddle in a field was probably one the highlights for me.  We were having a great time but suffering all the same. 

We pedaled through people’s back yards as we looped through 7 different towns.  They cheered us on and waived from their porches.  We waived back and thanked them as we heading into the woods.  The smell of pine trees kept me sane.  I said out loud to G, “2 years ago, almost to the date- our lives were so different” I was feeling so lucky to be out there suffering on my own terms and soaking in the day. 

At "the beach"

Somewhere around mile 40-45, my stomach started to bubble up.  The pressure started to build and the cramping got worse.  I kept pedaling and hoping it would just subside a bit.  I had a Dixie cup of coke at one of the aide stations hoping it would settle my stomach.  I had stopped eating.  I was heading for trouble.

 

I was still with G and he was calling out to me to make sure I ate something.  I just couldn’t do it.  I felt too sick.  It was either the Heed or the Perpetuem chews.  I have used both before without any problems but I could not figure out what else it could be.

 

We pressed on.  More mud, more climbs and a water bog that was thigh high deep.  There was no way through it without lifting your bike and slogging your way through hoping not to twist you ankle on the invisible rocks below.  Needless to say, this was not a highlight of the race for me. Although my bike is light, my ability to lift anything over my shoulders since my mastectomy and reconstruction surgeries has been a challenge.  The cold water felt nice on my legs except it really triggered my neuropathy in my right foot. It was already bother me the same as usual but it was now hurting badly, especially when I would have to walk a section.    

Me- Attempting to get back on the bike.  G had his GoPro on photo instead of video. 

I tried to remember some of the many suggestions this awesome lady gave me.    “No matter how good or bad you feel it will not last, just keep moving forward no matter what the pace”.   It did get a bit better but at that point, my nutrition was malfunctioning and my pace dropped off so much that I was not even sure we would make the 4:00 pm cut off to head out for the second part of the course.  For the safety of all racers, they had time cut offs that would make sure you were off the course by 7:30 PM- for obvious reasons. 

The modified second lap for the 100 milers began at the start/finish.  This is brutal on the psyche.  I should also mention we only rolled in with 3 minutes under the cut off time and it looked like a fun party happening on the start/finish site with all those that had already finished the 100 K and a few top racers that had finished the 100 miles.  We decided to head back out on the course, but this was not an easy decision. 

I started to do the math as I looked at the cut off times that I had taped to my handle bars.  Could I keep up over a 10 mile an hour pace for the next 35 miles?  I was not keeping that pace as it was, so it was not likely I could then.  A couple miles into that second lap, G and I agreed that we were done.

 

I will not lie, I shed a few tears as we pedaled back to the score tent to let them know that we were quitting.  My disappointment ran high.  In all reality, we would never have made the cut off time at the next feed station and I would rather pedal myself back than have to take the support car back to camp.

 

Had I signed up for the 100 K, I would have had a finish.  But as G said to me as we headed back to the start/finish area to tell the officials we were out-  “You have to dare to be great.  We will come back another day and finish our 100 mile race”.

 

We ended up with 70 miles, over 7000 feet of climbing and over 9.5 hours of riding.  Not bad for a day on the bike and I am proud of that.  Had I not had a GI issue, my race could have been much different.  My arm cording  never hurt and my hand did not swell in my glove. Probably because I did not use a camel back and the humidity was low.  Amazing my back never hurt either.  I was even climbing well.  I had a fun day and I learned a lot about endurance racing.  I need more practice and need to dial in my nutrition better.  At the very least, find something to eat that does not make my stomach sick while riding.  I also think I will try a different 100 miler next year.  The New Hampshire 100 was supposedly one of the hardest in all of the NUE series- and it just so happens to be the one I chose for my first attempt. 

This quote has always been a favorite of my guys and his “dare to be great” comment is inspired by this quote:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”  Theodore Roosevelt

Many others did not finish the 100 mile race on that Sunday, but we were all out there- Daring to be great!  

Darkhorse 40 Race Recap.

Sunday morning came quickly and it was set to be another hot and humid race day. 

After picking up my number plate and setting up my gear, I spun my legs out up the fire road for not even a mile or so before they called to stage all racers. I had planned on a long warm up that morning, but I ran out of time before the start. 

Ready or not, it was time to go pee and lineup.   

I had signed up for the sport class and there was 17 women registered.   That is a pretty large womens field so I was a bit anxious.  We were going to be the last group to head out on the course.  After my experience of being passed by almost the entire men sport field at the 6 hour race last month, I was totally okay with heading into the woods behind the masses.  There were 400 racers registered and I would just pass the ones I could but was happy to not have to be passed by 200+ racers.   

It was already hot and the air was pretty thick as I stood on the line waiting our turn to start the race.  I ran through my mental  check list of what I had in my pockets for nutrition; I ate a GU while I tried to remind myself to make sure to eat on a regular schedule so I would not bonk out there. 

The race started with a 3.5 mile fire road.  I was not warmed up well so I just rode it pretty steady.  That was my plan- just to stay steady.   By the time I got to the first bit of single track- I felt great.  I was picking off some of the men racers and having a good time of it.  I caught a couple women and just kept on pushing forward.

I felt so good the first 10 miles that I decided that I better reign myself  back in a bit- I had 30 more miles to go and it was hot and humid.  I just settled into a little more than comfortable pace. The second half of the 20 mile course had the most climbs on it.  I was surprised at how well I did on the climbs.  G keeps reminding me on our training rides to use my gears and save my legs.  It really helped and I never felt my legs hurt once on those climbs.

As I came through the neutral feed zone after the first lap, I stopped at the cooler to fill up my camelback with water and grab another bottle of Heed.  The promoters had great support stations set up with snacks and water but I never stopped at any of them.  I made a promise to myself- no stopping outside of the feed zone unless it was necessary.   3 women passed me during what was only about a minute pit stop.  I headed back on the course to chase them down.  I had eaten and drank all the right amounts up until this point so I was hopeful to catch back up. 

It was quite a few miles until I caught two of them.  It had appeared they had slowed their pace.  I was thinking that I had slowed down a bit too, but I tried  to remain steady. By mile 35, I still had not caught one of the  woman that had passed me in the feed zone and I still felt pretty good so I thought- just go!  I pushed hard those  last 5 miles and I still felt strong when I crossed the finish line.  I could not believe it.  I was having the best race I have had in over 2 years.  I was smiling from the inside out. 

I did not catch that last woman that had  passed me.  I did not meet my time goal - but I still beat last year’s time by 30 minutes.  I did not podium but I sure as hell had a great time out there racing my bike in the woods.  The best part of the whole day was how I felt strong and healthy.  That was the big take away.    

What was the reason I felt so good that day?  The humidity was not in my favor and my ankles hurt for two days leading up to the race.  It could have gone either way.   I keep going over the week prior to race day and my race prep.  I do not know if I could repeat a day like that if I tried. 

My recovery is going well this week, so  here is hoping I will have what it takes to finish the Hampshire 100 in less than two weeks. 

S.M. 

The voices in my head.

I woke up Sunday morning not feeling much better than the day before.  My head was still stuffy and I had developed a cough.  I had a really good night rest so decided to stick with the plan and head up to the race.  I planned on just using this event as training anyway.  I told myself that I would not over do it and if for any reason I felt sick, I would stop.  It is a hard thing to do when you are out there but I have hurt myself in this type of heat before.  It ended badly with lots of puking and chills, so I had no interest in reenacting that nightmare.

I made some green juice for G and I and we were off to the race.  

It was already 78 degrees at 8:00 in the morning so we knew it was going to be a long hot day.

The heat and coughing just added to my normal list of issues I now have to deal with since surgery and treatments.  The heat just makes these issues worse- my ankles aching and arm tightening- I am sick of even talking about it so I am sure you all are sick of reading about it.  I am just starting to understand how to accept it- but I am not there yet. 

  

Racing is as much mental as it is physical.  A week ago, I actually felt like I could have done well in this race but you just never know until you start pedaling that day.  I felt pretty good heading into the woods.  I tried not to get carried away with the freight train of ‘sport’ class men that passed me on the trail. I just tried to find my own grove and settle in and let people pass when it was safe to do so.

It was not 45 minutes into the race when I heard my guy yell out- ‘is that my wonder woman?”.   I knew he would catch up to me so it was nice to hear his voice.  We actually ended up riding most of the race together and having a good time.  We both were struggling with the heat and the same cold.  For the record, he gave it to me. 

It was during the 4^th lap that I was starting to feel like a 5^th lap could potentially bury me.  G was having the same feeling so we both decided to end our race after 4 laps- 43 miles.

I thought for sure I was last, so we decided not to hang around in the blazing heat and headed home.  I was surprised to hear that I was not last and actually got 6^th place.  My lap times were not impressive by any means and while I did not cramp or overly fatigue myself- I still did not feel like I had a good performance but it did feel pretty good not to be last.

I could have gone further that day, I know I could have but I didn’t want to completely deplete my body so that I could not function the rest of the week.  Another lap could have put me in a world of hurt and it just was not worth it.  I felt pretty good Monday morning and I know that if I had pushed myself that would not be the case. 

Even my phone had enough of the heat! 

The more I think about it and the more I critique my race- the more I get mad about Sundays race and the races since my cancer diagnosis.  I am my own worst critic- I want to summon my race performances before my diagnosis.

I cannot help but get angry at cancer for setting me back so far from my competitors. 

I am racing now with women that I used to beat or had a chance of beating and they are crushing me.  It is so humbling.

I line up on the start line and think that I am lucky to even be there.  I think how these girls have no idea how hard it is for me to get back up to the strength that I have today.  I may look the part but truly, I am a long ways away from being in the top 3 of a race.  I have to allow my body to come back on its own which is not easy because it involves patience on my part.

    

I know that I have to get out of this mind set because it really is not helping me race any better.   

I am not as down on me as this sounds, but these are the voices in my head.  It is hard some days to tune them out.

I have settled into this place that is very unfamiliar to me and I do not like it any more.

Next up is the Darkhorse 40 in 1 month and I would like to have a good result. 

In the meantime, it is July 4 and the summer is flying by.  We are off to Maine for a long weekend of visiting G’s family and some friends of ours in Portland. 

Have a safe and happy 4^th of July. 

S.M. 

More Juice!

It appears I have officially caught a summer cold...

It is quite disappointing since last week I was feeling so good and strong on the bike.  Good enough to steal back one of my lost QOM on Strava!

I am juicing like a mad woman and hoping that will boost my immune system enough to make this cold short lived with minimal damage.  As long as it stays out of my chest, I still plan on racing on Sunday.

Do your magic green juice!

Yes, that is right...the Stewart Six Pack is this Sunday and not only will it be 95 degrees and humid, but now I will be dealing with being sick.  Oh well, that is just the way it goes.  I find it hard to really complain about a cold after all that I have dealt with in the past but it still would have been nice to feel good on race day.

More juice, need more juice!

Popsicles help too- my nephew and I have the same cold :( 

Out of Practice.

I woke up last Sunday morning at 5:45 am- it was race day! 

We had everything packed and ready to go- except for my green juice.  That must be made fresh.  I am convinced these drinks are making my joints and body feel better, so I did not want to miss my morning fix the day of the big race.  I even took some for my post race recovery.

G loaded the car and we were off to Stewart.  The sun was shining in a perfect blue sky and it was a chilly 40 degrees.  This was going to make for great racing conditions.

I felt almost out of sorts to be arriving at the race and actually being there as a racer and not just as a spectator.  It has been awhile.

People I saw would say- “It is great to see you.  Are you racing? How are you feeling?” 

I really didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling but my simple answer was – “I feel great- thanks!” 

This was a little lie, but who really needed to know the truth or would understand what I meant.  My hips had started to feel sore the day before.  I had even debated whether or not to take my Tamoxifen the night before in the hopes it would not hurt my performance.  Of course I took it, because I have to.   There is really no real pattern to why some days I have bad side effects from this drug and other days I do not.  My oncologist thinks it is more of a result of one of the other chemo's I took while in treatment-She seems to blame it all on Taxol.  My hand was better but my wrist was feeling a bit achy and that damn cording in my left arm decided to tighten up a few days before and no amount of stretching was really getting it to open up.

But all things considered, I did feel good. 

I lined up on the start line next to a friend of mine. We have raced together in the past and in my absence from the racing scene, she has just gotten stronger and faster.  She was going to give me a run for my money. 

I was not even as nervous to race as I thought I would be.  I am not sure why.  We were the last group of racers to go off and we headed down the long fire road before entering the first single track.  I was not quite out in front but was cruising along at a fairly steady pace.  Passed a few riders in the double track and I felt okay.  I kept trying to remind myself to stay within my limits as the race was long. 

It was about mile 8 or 9 that my legs just decided they didn’t want to play anymore. 

Then the self doubt started.

I went out too hard in the beginning; Maybe I didn’t warm up enough;  I should have spent more time on the road bike;  Ugh, these girls are just stronger than me; Stupid cancer treatments jacked me up for good.  

Or

Maybe I am just out of race practice! 

I kept trying to turn my pedals over, but it felt like I had lead in my legs and my hips were not rotating property.  Remember, it is a single speed race, and I only had one gear to work with. There was not much room on this course to spin out your legs- most of the time I was just pushing as hard as I could.   

At some point after the 12th mile, I gave up the chance of a top 3 finish and started thinking about a top 5 finish- it was still in reach. 

When I started to walk sections that I could have ridden when my legs were fresher/stronger, I knew I had to forget about what place I was going to finish and just try to finish the race. It was hard.

A lot of thoughts went through my mind as I attempted to pedal my single speed through the woods.  I did not have a computer on my bike to tell me how long I had pedaled or how much longer I had to go.  This was probably a good thing ,because at one point I wanted to quit.    

I tried to ignore the ‘noise’ in my head when I would get passed by another racer. 

I kept trying not to give up on myself.  

It was hard not to think about how far cancer has taken me out of the game and although I am back racing, I am a long way from really being “back” to where I was. That is one of the hardest things for me to cope with. 

Do I even like racing anymore?

It must have been at about mile 24 (only 4 miles to go) when I finally found a bit of peace within myself about my race performance being less than stellar.  I should just be proud of myself for getting back out there.  While I was desperate to get to the finish, I just kicked back and enjoyed the beautiful trails for my first race back.   

I was a bit surprised that I actually finished 6^th place and that I was not the last woman to cross the finish line.  There was actually 7 other women behind me and even a lot more men. 

This was not my best performance.  While I am not going to beat myself up over this, I will be forcing myself back on the road bike religiously until the Darkhorse 40 and Hampshire 100 in August.  It will be here before I know it and it sort of scares me a bit after Sunday.

    

It is early season and my first race back.  I could just be battling treatment side-effects  forever or maybe I am just out of racing practice.  I am hopeful that I just need more practice.

S.M. 

Good Choice.

View from the Croton Bridge.  

For those that did not already know, I did not race this past Sunday at the Chainstretcher.   It was a very last minute decision- so last minute that I changed my mind at the entrance to the door of registration. 

It had rained a little the night before.  Just enough to make the roots a bit wet and slippery but that was only part of it.  As I pedaled from the parking lot up to the registration area, I kept trying to ignore the ache in my hand.   I was getting a tug in my gut and not like race day jitters sort of tug either.  More like, what am I doing? Then I saw a friend of mine who happened to be there the day I crashed.  He looked me up and down, saw me in my biking clothes, noticed my hand all wrapped up and said, “You are not going to race today, are you?!”  It was that sort of a fatherly comment that pretty much sealed the deal.  He said what everyone else wanted to say but didn’t.  It was just not a good choice to race that day.

G did race - here he is crossing the finish line all smiles!

    

Not racing was one of my best decisions I have made.  I was disappointed, especially since my legs actually felt good that  morning.  But this gave me a couple more days of healing and my hand is so much better for it.   I was able to get a good spin on the road bike Tuesday and managed a short Single Speed ride at Graham Hills on Wednesday evening.

I am not 100% healed up but pretty close to it.  I am making the choice to race this Sunday at the SingleSpeed-a-palooza.  It is a longer race- 28 miles but there are not any long down hills that will put a ton of pressure on my hand.  I think I am good to go and the weather looks perfect for race day!

S.M. 

To race or not to race?

I have been nursing my hand since last Sunday with lots of ice, wearing the annoying splint and staying off the bike (sort of).  

I decided to take a spin class on Wednesday morning just so I can keep my legs moving and not have the concern of having to hold on.  Besides being more boring than I remember, it was a good spin.  It is so different when you know the weather outside is perfect and you have to be inside. 

Thursday I had a Pilates session with my friend Joy at Body Wise Studio.  She has watched me and helped me come back from two major surgeries and all my treatments.  Just last week she was telling me how strong I have gotten-I have worked really hard and Joy has been a big part of my comeback.  I walked into the studio almost ashamed that I had hurt myself.  Of course, she was just so happy I did not break anything or land on my ‘demon side’ which is what she calls my left side (the cancer side).

 

The impact of a fall can be so traumatic on the body.   Since the fall, my body had gone into healing mode, so I was feeling really tight and cramped up, even after I had done some stretching at home.  As usual, she quickly got me moving into a routine and still worked me over even without the use of my hand.  The amazing part of Pilates is how it helps me to open up my body in ways that I can not do any other way.- It helps me to feel centered again.  I came out of the studio Thursday feeling taller and stronger than when I went in.  I love those sessions with Joy. 

Thursday was such a nice evening and G got home on a little earlier train.  We decided that maybe we could try to ride up the Aqueduct to see how my hand would feel.  It is a relatively smooth pedal,  so it was probably the best way to test out my hand.  I wore my brace, but I was favoring my hand so much I was hardly holding on to the bar especially going over any sort of bump. 

Friday, I rested and iced.

It has been healing surprisingly fast.  My palm is still a bit swollen but nothing like it was.  The bruising is better than two days ago.  I can make a fist, but I still cannot squeeze my hand completely.

A couple days ago.  

So, what does this mean for racing Sunday? 

Today is Saturday, the day before the race.  I decided to do a very mellow pedal around the race course.  I wrapped my hand and wrist up in an Ace bandage hoping that would give me some support,  but allow me to move my hand better.  It went pretty well except for the downhill sections.  I had to go pretty slow as the pressure on my hand was just too much.  It felt great to be out there and I rode almost all the technical sections.

I did walk the section I crashed on.  Mostly it was because I had to stare so hard at the rock I messed up on wondering -why on earth would I have chosen that line?

I am still unsure.  It is set to start raining tonight and into tomorrow.  It is sort of swaying me away from racing.    Blue Mountain is technical enough when dry, that with the rain can make it traitorous.   Plus without a strong and stable grip on the handle bars- I could end up in a ditch again. 

I could go out there and just ride the race but that would not be the same.  I want to race, not just go for a ride.

Good luck to all of you that are racing this weekend.  I will see you out there one way or another. 

S.M.