The treatments have been wearing on me mentally and physically.
I am just not so sure about all this crap I have to endure and have done to my body. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I still can't believe what has happened to me. Where did the girl I know go?
I keep hearing people say, "you are strong; you can beat this; you will get through this" Yes, we all can be strong when given a choice of life or death and I will get through this but who will I be when it's all over?
I have come to some level of acceptance with all of this-the key word being some. But it still does not change the fact that this horrible disease has totally terrorized my world- I get so scared and angry at times.
No matter what, I was going to try and ride my bike last weekend. Saturday was worse than normal. I watched G load the bikes on the car and my head was spinning and my body just wanted to crawl on to the couch. I tried to tell myself, Just get out there and spin your legs, don't let this beat you down. These training rides of mine take up a lot of time from my guys regular training time but on so many levels it is important that we ride together- we rode together before this all started and we will ride together when it is over.
I was determined to get up to our friends bike shop in Briarcliff and back. It was a hard struggle at this point in my treatment, but I did it. The trick to managing the nausea is keeping something in my stomach. Nothing too big, but something, so we stopped for food on the way back.
Sunday I felt worse than Saturday. I almost canceled the ride, but that of course would mean that the cancer wins. So off I went determined. We pedaled for awhile, but we didn't make it up to my regular turn around spot. I had enough- the treatments were catching up .Many times G will remind me, my cancer training rides are more exercise than some people get in a week. Nonetheless, I still feel defeated.
G took a couple photos of my ride. He wanted to take video but I couldn't bare to see myself. I think these photos were what made me ask the question Who is this girl? Sometimes it is hard to connect to that person in the pictures.
|My new riding hat- very appropriate gift from a friend and quite comfy on my bald head|
|Sunday ride- doing the best I can.|
|Are we there yet?|
So, there it is. I'm not always positive. Can you blame me?
I do know this will all pass, but I wanted to share some insight into what are my harder days and what goes on. It is not always easy, but I try my best to keep on moving.