My account of life both on and off of two wheels...... "At least I'm enjoying the ride"

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Just keep moving.

The treatments have been wearing on me mentally and physically.

I am just not so sure about all this crap I have to endure and have done to my body.  I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I still can't believe what has happened to me.  Where did the girl I know go?

I keep hearing people say, "you are strong; you can beat this; you will get through this" Yes, we all can be strong when given a choice of life or death and I will get through this but who will I be when it's all over?
I have come to some level of acceptance with all of this-the key word being some. But it still does not change the fact that this horrible disease has totally terrorized  my world- I get so scared and angry at times.
No matter what, I was going to try and ride my bike last weekend.  Saturday was worse than normal.  I watched G load the bikes on the car and my head was spinning and my body just wanted to crawl on to the couch. I tried to tell myself, Just get out there and spin your legs, don't let this beat you down.  These training rides of mine take up a lot of time from my guys regular training time but on so many levels it is important that we ride together- we rode together before this all started and we will ride together when it is over. 

I was determined to get up to our friends bike shop in Briarcliff and back.  It was a hard struggle at this point in my treatment, but I did it. The trick to managing the nausea is keeping something in my stomach.  Nothing too big, but something, so we stopped for food on the way back. 

Sunday I felt worse than Saturday.  I almost canceled the ride, but that of course would mean that the cancer wins.  So off I went determined. We pedaled for awhile, but we didn't make it up to my regular turn around spot. I had enough- the treatments were catching up .Many times G will remind me, my cancer training rides are more exercise than some people get in a week. Nonetheless, I still feel defeated. 

G took a couple photos of my ride.  He wanted to take video but I couldn't bare to see myself.  I think these photos were what made me ask the question Who is this girl? Sometimes it is hard to connect to that person in the pictures.

My new riding hat- very appropriate gift from a friend and quite comfy on my bald head
Sunday ride- doing the best I can.
Are we there yet?

So, there it is.  I'm not always positive.  Can you blame me?

I do know this will all pass, but I wanted to share some insight into what are my harder days and what goes on. It is not always easy, but I try my best to keep on moving.


  1. Hi Becky, I'm so impressed that you are out there riding your bike! I know I could never have done it. No one can blame you for feeling really angry that you are having to go thru this- it's not easy. But the treatments do end and they are worth it. It's just really hard some days to know that. Wish I could stop by for a visit, xoxo, Kathy

  2. Thank you Fat Chance- it means a lot to me to hear that.

    Kathy- I know you know all too well and you help me in so many ways. I wish you could visit too. XO R