Race or Ride?

After quite a bit of back and forth in my head, I decided to go for it.  I renewed my license and entered in with the Cat 1 women this past Sunday at the Chain Stretcher.  It was a pretty humbling experience and I have a hard time not being slightly mortified by my results. 

I lined up with some of the strongest women bike racers that I know.  I have been watching them get stronger every year and I knew I was going to get my butt whooped out there.   I kept telling myself that it did not matter.  Just to finish and feel good.  But it does kind of matter.  

We headed into the woods and at the first technical section; they were all bottled up on the rocks.  I was in the back of the pack which caused me to have to get off my bike.  When I was able to get back on my bike, I could see them disappear into the woods.  I caught a glimpse of a couple of the racers in the first bit of single track but thought I better not chase them down and burn all my matches.  In hindsight, that was probably not the best plan.  I spent the rest of the race or should I say ride, solo. My pace was not what I would call a race pace.  I knew I was really slow when the pro and cat 1 men started to pass me on my 2nd lap while they were finishing their 3^rd lap.  As I finished my 2nd lap, I knew I had to keep going just to get it done.   

It was at least a beautiful day to ride and the course was a lot of fun.  I tried to enjoy just being out there and I did.  

I have told people that I am ridiculously slow right now but realized just how slow I really am.  The results say it all.   I finished in last place and quite a ways behind the rest of the women.   Yes, I finished and did not give up but I do not remember really feeling like I had the ability to push myself harder to go faster.   I felt strong but I still have a lot of work to do to get back up to speed.  Sigh…

Although it may sound like it, I am not really down on myself.  I put myself back out there.  I do realize that while everyone has been getting stronger over the past 3 years, I have been getting the crap kicked out of me health wise.   Being a good mountain bike racer does not just happen overnight.  During the line up for the start of the race, I realized that I have only been back on the bike for a little over two months since my surgery in December. That is certainly not enough time for me to prep for good race results.   It is only April after all! 

Will I keep racing?  Hell yes! 

This Sunday is Single Speed- A – Palooza and I am registered with a good size field of sport class women. I will show up and do my best.  Maybe I won’t come in last place this time and if I do, that is okay.  It is always a fun event and a great scene so I am looking forward to it.  The course is usually fast so I will see if I can ramp it up a bit this Sunday. 

S.M. 

I looked the part...

Looking forward.

This week marks 3 years from my cancer diagnosis.  This anniversary did not come with the anticipated anxiety that the previous years have.   It is not that the fear of recurrence has completely escaped my mind but I am trying to look forward.  The side effects from my treatments continue to be painful reminders of what I have been through but I refuse to let them stop me in my tracks.   I am just learning to accept them even if they slow me down.  

Moving forward, I am hoping to keep my focus on my career change as a full time Pilates instructor and working with the non-for-profit helping other cancer patients.   It has really been my silver lining that has come out of the ‘cancer vortex’.  I am following my heart on this one and have faith that it will lead to all good things.  Besides, it makes me feel good about myself. 

Racing season is here.  I have been struggling with renewing my USA Cycling license.   If I renew my license the way I left it in 2010, I will be racing as Cat 1.  I really have no interest in downgrading my license and going backwards to Cat 2 but I also fear the pressure this may put on me to get back into the shorter cross country race scene.  I have been racing more endurance races and ones that do not require a USA Cycling license so until now, it has not been an issue.  I had intended to get back into the local cross country scene this year so I need to make a decision and quickly.  The first race is this Sunday and of course it is on my home turf... The Chainstretcher at Blue Mountain Reservation. 

We were lucky enough to get out to Sedona last week for a mini-vacation.  It was sort of a last minute decision to head out there for G's sisters engagement party.  I am so glad we went for many reasons but we were also able to squeak in a couple really amazing days of mountain biking.  That place would be how I imagine heaven!  

The most important thing that I can write about today is -  I am cancer free and I feel pretty damn good about that! 

To those that have been following along over the past 3 years, thank you. 

Knowing you are all out there cheering me on, really helps to get through those hard days. 

Happy Spring! 

G and I in Sedona last week ♥

S.M. 

Some quick updates

First day back on the bike! 

I am back in physical therapy 2 times a week.  My therapist would like it if I could fit in 3 times but I am pushing for just the 2.  The diagnosis is weak at best- mild or slight lymphedema.  A 3% change since my last measurements a year ago.  I may notice more because I feel like I am really in tune with my body, especially when something does not feel right.  I am back to having to wear my compression sleeve on a regular basis and now have to practice manual lymph drainage massage on myself.  It sounds intense but it really is quite easy and only takes about 5-10 minutes.  It all seems to be helping, as the swelling in my arm is actually getting better and you almost can’t tell.  I think a lot has to do with me being back to my regular exercise routine.  I am a firm believer that exercise is the key to keeping a healthy lymphatic system and lymphedema under control.  It will never go away, but if managed properly, the symptoms can be non-existent.  In the grand scheme of things, this is more of a nuisance even with the swelling and pain it causes. 

It has not stopped me from getting back on the bike or back to the Pilates studio.  I have only really had a chance to ride outside 3 times since I was cleared to exercise.  I have been able to get to a couple spin classes which I most certainly need to whip my ass back in shape.   I am feeling the 5+ weeks of a sedentary lifestyle. 

I am still a bit skittish on the trails but I am already getting some confidence back.  No matter what, each surgery seems to take some confidence from me, on the bike.  As for my fitness, there was some major fitness loss but my endurance seems to have held up okay.  I am certainly feeling quite slow but I know it will come back. 

Overall, I am feeling so much better, especially without the implants pushing on my pectoral muscles when I pedal or try to maneuver over an obstacle on the trail. 

I have a lot of work to do but I am up for the challenge. 

S.M. 

Game On!

The last few weeks have been jam packed with work, family visits and many birthday celebrations.  Thank goodness I was so distracted since this has been a very long 5 weeks without exercise!  

Special Birthday visitors. 

Story time with MoMo

Birthday dinner with my guy. 

More birthday celebration...

Smiles. 

My follow up appointment with Dr DP was Wednesday and I was cleared to stop wearing my compression strap and am now free to start exercising.  There is still a tiny bit of fluid on my left side but nothing that should not absorb into my body-I hope.

 

You would think that I would have jumped right on the bike but that did not happen. 

Both my road and my mountain bike are in the shop getting tuned up.  I should have at least one of them back by the weekend.  While there is always my single speed- it currently has a flat tire and I was not quite ready to jump on the single speed, just yet.

   

It was 8 degrees Thursday morning so I opted to head to the gym to try my turn on one of the many cardio machines since the spin class was full.  It was probably better for me to start off slow.  I sort of enjoyed eating my way through the holidays so there is a lot of work to be done on my part. 

   

I won’t bore you with the details of a gym workout but I do want to share something about that morning.  

I was digging through my draw looking for clothes to wear to the gym.  I put on one of my old sports bras mostly for  comfort to protect my scars.  The scars are still sensitive and probably will be for a while.  I put a shirt over the bra and looked down.  I had a moment.  Not the “Oh, what have I done moment” but more of,  “You got this, woman!”.  This was my first time really showing off my flat chest openly where nobody knows me.  Funny thing was I don’t think anyone really noticed and if they did, I really do not care.   I actually felt so much freer while I was exercising.  The implants never felt totally comfortable and I always knew they were there.  This all comes back around to – this is all me!

 

I have been noticing some strange things happening with my left arm.  The cording is still there but it does seem less tight than before.  I know that when I get back in the Pilates studio, I can work on stretching that out some more.  The strange and somewhat disturbing part is the swelling.  It is in my hand, half my wrist and elbow area but my arm just looks bigger than the right one.  I have scheduled an appointment to go back to physical therapy to get reevaluated for lymphedema.    My unprofessional opinion is I already have it ad the compression band around my chest may have just restricted my lymph drainage.  It probably was a bad combination with surgery already being a high risk for developing lymphedema.  But, there was no choice. I am still hopeful that I can get this sorted out before it gets out of hand.   It is manageable but pretty uncomfortable and my compression sleeve just makes the cording hurt more.   

Game on!

I have most of my race schedule on the calendar for this season and registrations have already started to open for some of the more popular races that I want to enter.  I have a long way to go and a shorter time to get back into shape.  I want to attempt to actually be competitive this year so we will see.  Regardless, I have a full schedule of races planned.  The race season starts as early as April so it should be interesting.  I am sure to get my butt kicked but that is okay.  It will not be the first time.  I just have to do the work to build myself back up again.  There is something more rewarding in that than the actual race.    

Thank you for all the nice messages and support.  It is nice to know people are still following along.  

S.M. 

Walk in the woods with my guy. 

Do what will heal you.

I have not shared with many or posted about the details of my upcoming surgery.  I have been trying to avoid being overly influenced by others or their opinions.  I have discussed my options with medical professionals, other women that have had to make these choices and some of my closest friends and family.  Of course G and I have discussed this more than we both would like.  G is my biggest fan and I am very grateful for that.  

The decision process has been more than difficult.  The rescheduling of the surgery was a blessing as I have used this extra time to try and sort out my options and find peace with my choice.

 

When I made the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy back in May of 2010, I had the option to reconstruct my breasts or wait and delay reconstruction.

 

“You are young and most women your age choose reconstruction”

 I heard that from many and while I still considered no reconstruction at all, I knew that if I was going to do it, I should start the process right away.  I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible or I may not go back. 

It all seemed so straight forward at the time. 

I was so overwhelmed with all the decisions that I had to make back then.  I had the whole “you have cancer” noise running through my head and on top of it, I had to make reconstruction decisions.  I chose the “easiest” and most common option for reconstruction with the least invasive surgery. 

After finding out that I needed radiation, it was too late.  We had started the process already.   I knew that the results could fail and I could be right where I am today.    I just tried not to think that way.  I still had to get through chemo and radiation so there was no time to think of the “what if” regarding reconstruction.

We pressed on because for some women, the results work even post radiation. I was hopeful that I would be one of those.  

  

The bottom line is I no longer can just have an implant on my radiated side.  The tissue and skin is so damaged from radiation that it is too unhealthy to hold an implant comfortably or safely.

 

If I want to continue the reconstruction process, I need healthy tissue to replace what is damaged.

That has been one of the biggest dilemmas for me.  Continue or give up what I started.

If you have been paying attention at all, I am not quick to give up but I do know when enough is enough.   These choices are not as straight forward as one may think.  So much more is involved at this point and all the procedures are ones that I declined from the start and thought I would 'never' do that.  

The only reconstruction options that I have at this point involve having major surgery and taking tissue and muscle from other parts of my body to form a new breast.

 

The only surgeries that I am a good candidate for is the LAT Flap or a GAP, TUG or PAP flap.  All of these involve a huge recovery and possibly or most certainly weakness from the donor site.  I already have some upper body weakness from the implants and don’t forget my cording issues in my left arm.  Oh and there is also the chance that they too could fail! 

The GAP, TUG and PAP all involve taking tissue from my butt or legs.  As much as I like the idea of making my butt a little small, no thank you!  My legs are my engine on the bike.  These also have a higher risk of failure especially on radiated tissue.

The strongest option for me and what was suggested by two different surgeons is the Latissimus  Dorsi Flap or better known as the LAT Flap.  It utilizes the whole Lat muscle, tissue and skin from your back.  The muscle remains connected and is pulled under the arm and around to the chest to create the new breast mound and replace as much of the damaged skin as possible.  There is hope that the new skin will be able to regenerate healthier skin.  It still requires an implant to match the other side since I do not have a ton of extra tissue to donate and the Lat muscle, while very large is actually pretty thin.   This surgery could help my cording issue or exacerbate it.  It most likely will be a much harder rehab for me and I could end up weakening the integrity of my back. 

I have been on the schedule for the Lat Flap surgery but the idea of this surgery has not settled well with me.  I am extremely concerned of losing strength in my back for obvious reasons.  I am an avid mountain biker that wishes to be competitive again and I am finishing my Pilates training certification.  While the Lat may solve some problems, it could cause more and there is no reversing this.  The muscle cannot be put back where it belongs.   I have had night terrors of waking up on the operating table with my back cut open and muscle hanging out only to be left on the operating table while everyone leaves.

 

Yes, this has been a tough 5 weeks.   

I have done lots of research and deep soul searching regarding what is the most important to me.  

I was given some really sound advice from a new friend.  “Do what will heal you”

   

I have come to the conclusion that today, my body; my muscles and a strong recovery from treatments are way more important to me than breasts.  I have already put my body through more than I have every thought I would or could go through.   It is time to give my body a break and give it time to really heal.   Enough is enough.

To deconstruct is still a big surgery but we are anticipating a much easier and quicker recovery.   It sort of feels like I am going through the mastectomy all over again but this time, I know more.  I do not have the same fear of cancer that I had the first time.  Of course there are still no guarantees of how this will look and how I will heal both physically and mentally.  The skin and muscle in my chest has already been stretched.  The extra skin can be cut out but the muscle, while still functioning may not ever lay flat.

 

I do anticipate having a few moments of grieving and "what the fuck did I do” moments.  Of course I expect many wardrobe malfunctions so I may need to find a good seamstress to alter some of my favorite dresses or just go shopping. But  I will take it all one day at a time.

   

The most important thing is I choose what feels right and to honor my body for taking me this far in life. 

While sitting in my car at the trailhead with my bike in tow, I spoke to my plastic surgeon yesterday.  I most certainly got the feeling she is not thrilled with my decision but she respects my choice and will help me achieve this goal of getting my body back to a stronger and healthier state that I so desire.   She also reminded me that we can revisit reconstruction at a time that is better for me down the road.

I hung up the phone, unloaded my bike and took a moment.  I felt a bit of weight coming off my shoulders and as I took a deep breath, I looked up.  There he was.  “My” hawk that I have spoken about before.  He was circling the parking lot.  I smiled, soaked in the peace and thanked him for his message as I pedaled into the woods. 

While I am mentally and in turn physically exhausted, I still had moments while pedaling that I could feel my body and how strong it really was.  How hard I have worked to get here.  The implants have only impaired my strength and have never truly been comfortable.  

I actually saw the hawk two more times over the course of my ride.  I do believe he was following me and I like to believe that he was watching over me. Reminding me to look at the big picture- my health and doing the things that make me happy.  

I do understand that I am in the minority with my choice but this seems to be the best way for me to heal myself. 

Finding clarity in the woods. 

S.M. 

Preparing for Surgery.

There has been a slight change in plans.

Surgery is now scheduled for December 17.  I would update you more on what surgery I am having but I am still sort of undecided and this extra time has given me more time to prepare.

Here is the best way that I know how to clear my head and  prepare for major surgery...

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

S.M.

Daring to be great- Hampshire 100 Recap

G and I had driven up the day prior to the big race and spent the night in the cute little town of Peterborough, NH.  It was only minutes from the Hampshire 100 start/finish and we had a bed to sleep in instead of camping.   It did not seem to matter much since I did not get a good night sleep anyway.  I was probably overly anxious about the long day ahead and the fact that my alarm was going to go off at 5 am.  I do not wake up that early on purpose- ever! 

I had no idea what to expect that morning.

It was less than 50 degrees at the start and the sun was shining.  It was an amazingly beautiful morning for a bike ride and was a huge relief from the insanely hot and humid weather we have had this summer on New York.   

6:45 am came quickly and we were off!  There were 400+ racers in total but not everyone was racing the 100 mile option.  The past 5 years of this event has “only” been a 100 K and this was the first year they were added to the NUE race series with the extra mileage option.  Of course I signed up for the 100 mile category. 

The race started off pretty quickly and I tried to just settle into my own race.  It was hard to do. I look back now and I am sure that the ‘bike buzz’ got the best of me for the first 20 or so miles.   I started out with a couple other women.  One of them was a single speeder- Hannah. And the other was a woman that I knew from New York, Chrissy.  It was nice to have a familiar face to start off with and she has done a 100 miler before.  I figured if I just stick with her for a bit, I could maybe find a good steady pace.  It was working for a while.  

G had decided to wait for me at the first aide station and we quickly headed off together. 

We pedaled with our friend Shoogs for a while.  We pedaled the course with no idea what was ahead of us.   I had read the course description but when you are out there in the mix, nothing really is what you thought it would be. 

We had a pretty good pace and my spirits were high. The course started to pick up some steam.  Railroad tie bridges; ‘the beach’; jeep trails with techy descents and loose steep climbs; the power line climb- which apparently had a great view if you turned around.   I didn’t look behind me all day.  Freshly cut single track that sapped my legs on ever pedal.  Mud, roots, rocks.  It was never ending.  

Rolling up on a man playing the fiddle in a field was probably one the highlights for me.  We were having a great time but suffering all the same. 

We pedaled through people’s back yards as we looped through 7 different towns.  They cheered us on and waived from their porches.  We waived back and thanked them as we heading into the woods.  The smell of pine trees kept me sane.  I said out loud to G, “2 years ago, almost to the date- our lives were so different” I was feeling so lucky to be out there suffering on my own terms and soaking in the day. 

At "the beach"

Somewhere around mile 40-45, my stomach started to bubble up.  The pressure started to build and the cramping got worse.  I kept pedaling and hoping it would just subside a bit.  I had a Dixie cup of coke at one of the aide stations hoping it would settle my stomach.  I had stopped eating.  I was heading for trouble.

 

I was still with G and he was calling out to me to make sure I ate something.  I just couldn’t do it.  I felt too sick.  It was either the Heed or the Perpetuem chews.  I have used both before without any problems but I could not figure out what else it could be.

 

We pressed on.  More mud, more climbs and a water bog that was thigh high deep.  There was no way through it without lifting your bike and slogging your way through hoping not to twist you ankle on the invisible rocks below.  Needless to say, this was not a highlight of the race for me. Although my bike is light, my ability to lift anything over my shoulders since my mastectomy and reconstruction surgeries has been a challenge.  The cold water felt nice on my legs except it really triggered my neuropathy in my right foot. It was already bother me the same as usual but it was now hurting badly, especially when I would have to walk a section.    

Me- Attempting to get back on the bike.  G had his GoPro on photo instead of video. 

I tried to remember some of the many suggestions this awesome lady gave me.    “No matter how good or bad you feel it will not last, just keep moving forward no matter what the pace”.   It did get a bit better but at that point, my nutrition was malfunctioning and my pace dropped off so much that I was not even sure we would make the 4:00 pm cut off to head out for the second part of the course.  For the safety of all racers, they had time cut offs that would make sure you were off the course by 7:30 PM- for obvious reasons. 

The modified second lap for the 100 milers began at the start/finish.  This is brutal on the psyche.  I should also mention we only rolled in with 3 minutes under the cut off time and it looked like a fun party happening on the start/finish site with all those that had already finished the 100 K and a few top racers that had finished the 100 miles.  We decided to head back out on the course, but this was not an easy decision. 

I started to do the math as I looked at the cut off times that I had taped to my handle bars.  Could I keep up over a 10 mile an hour pace for the next 35 miles?  I was not keeping that pace as it was, so it was not likely I could then.  A couple miles into that second lap, G and I agreed that we were done.

 

I will not lie, I shed a few tears as we pedaled back to the score tent to let them know that we were quitting.  My disappointment ran high.  In all reality, we would never have made the cut off time at the next feed station and I would rather pedal myself back than have to take the support car back to camp.

 

Had I signed up for the 100 K, I would have had a finish.  But as G said to me as we headed back to the start/finish area to tell the officials we were out-  “You have to dare to be great.  We will come back another day and finish our 100 mile race”.

 

We ended up with 70 miles, over 7000 feet of climbing and over 9.5 hours of riding.  Not bad for a day on the bike and I am proud of that.  Had I not had a GI issue, my race could have been much different.  My arm cording  never hurt and my hand did not swell in my glove. Probably because I did not use a camel back and the humidity was low.  Amazing my back never hurt either.  I was even climbing well.  I had a fun day and I learned a lot about endurance racing.  I need more practice and need to dial in my nutrition better.  At the very least, find something to eat that does not make my stomach sick while riding.  I also think I will try a different 100 miler next year.  The New Hampshire 100 was supposedly one of the hardest in all of the NUE series- and it just so happens to be the one I chose for my first attempt. 

This quote has always been a favorite of my guys and his “dare to be great” comment is inspired by this quote:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”  Theodore Roosevelt

Many others did not finish the 100 mile race on that Sunday, but we were all out there- Daring to be great!