Minor Setbacks and Exciting Visitors.

We are only two weeks into the new year and I am reminded that life happens on life's terms.  I have a new minor setback.  Very minor but none the less, a setback for me.  
 
About 3 years ago I discovered a mole on my stomach.  It was a new mole, one I had never seen before. It started off fairly small but it continued to grow.  I had kept an eye on it and thought it was something I would eventually have checked out.  When I had my initial breast exam last March, the doctor suggested that after I  see a breast surgeon,  I should go to a dermatologist.  That was probably the smartest thing that doctor said to me the entire visit.  Just for the record, this was the doctor from the clinic not any of my current doctors.  In fact, she is the one that when I asked for a script for a mammogram she said to me " Oh they won't do a mammogram on you, your too young for breast cancer".  Right, so like I was saying- not very helpful.  Since things have calmed down a bit,  I showed this mole to my oncologist who suggested I have their dermatologist take a look.  I thought it was probably a good idea, so I agreed.  I went to the dermatologist who biopsied the mole right then and there.  I figure it was out now and it will be all fine...Wrong!  I received a phone call from my oncologist DrW. right before Christmas.  She didn't want me to panic when the dermatology office called.  "It is not cancer and it has nothing to do with your breast cancer, but it must come out surgically"  It was a precancerous mole that "could" turn into melanoma.  I was told by the surgeon that there was no real rush so as soon as I was feeling up to it, we would get the procedure done.  She then started to explain that the healing time would be two week with 2 layers of stitches and I would not be able to exercise during that time.  That was all I heard from that point forward.  More restrictions, just when I'm starting to feel good and getting back on a routine.  As much as the idea of not being able to exercise for two weeks made me angry and frustrated ( especially after all I have been through this past year) I would just have to get it over with.  The longer I wait, the worse the timing would get.   I know it is not cancer so I'm not worried about that.  It is just another minor setback.  

I chose January 12 at 8:00 am  for a couple reasons.  It was not too close to my last radiation treatment and most importantly it would allow me to heal up and be ready to start my race training by February 1. Of course we were expecting another huge snow storm the day of my procedure but since it was in the city, they were not going to cancel it.  It would be up to me to cancel if I felt I could not make it in. As hard as I thought it through, I knew that I had to get this over with.  I woke up at 6 am and sure enough, there was a ton of snow.  G and I walked through at least a foot of snow to the train and made it to my appointment.  Thank you G, as always for your support.  The surgeon ended up cutting a 4.5 cm long piece of tissue out of my stomach!  It was a bit larger than I had expected and since it is on my upper abdomen, it's quite  uncomfortable.  Nothing compared to my big surgery but this is so annoying! 

On another note, here are some random and exciting updates:

I am happy to say that last week was my official first full week of work since April.  It felt awesome!  Come Friday I was tuckered out but still able to make a delicious dinner for G and I to kick off the weekend.

Roasted chicken and red potatoes with sauteed brussel sprouts

Since this season seems to be bringing lots of snow, we needed to find a way to enjoy it and get in some cross training.  G purchased his own pair of snowshoes and I already had a pair from my years of living in Colorado.  Last weekend we received some fresh snow so were able to explore a bit in the woods.  The trails are too snow covered to ride and the streets are not much better.

After a few hours of work on Saturday, we headed out for what seemed like more of a hike then a snowshoe since we didn't get as much snow as we thought.  As always, we managed to have a good time out there regardless. 

G lovin the snow! 

There was still some fresh snow- My tracks.

We also ran into some of our mountain bike friends who were out riding the ski bikes that my friend K built.  While I was more of a spectator, G could not resist. 

Apparently it handles really well.  I will have to try it another day.

 
Sunday we headed further up north to find more snow and we were successful.

We also met up with some good friends.

I would say he loves his new snowshoes?!

Even Olga and Jack had a great day in the woods. 

While there is a ton of new snow this past week, there won't be any snowshoeing in my near future.   BUT...As some of you know, ,my sister had her baby back in November and I've still yet to meet him.  She decided that since she was not working, she would come visit me and bring my nephew Jesse.  My birthday is on Monday so she will be here today, with Jesse to help celebrate my  birthday!  I am so excited to meet my nephew and see my sister but not so excited for my 37th birthday-yikes! 

Have a great weekend everyone! 

S.M.

October- when did that happen?!

It is still hard for me to believe that it has been six months since this whole cancer process started.   It was April 2 when I went in for my ultra sound.  I will never forget the look on my radiologists face and the tone of her voice when she reviewed my images.  I sat in her office with my mammogram x-rays surrounding us like I was in some sci-fi movie.  I know that she knew from those many, many films that were lit up on her wall that I had cancer.   I had no idea how much my life was going to change that day.  I do remember being really scared-I still am.   In a way I’m still not sure what is going on and I keep thinking I’m going to wake up from this nightmare...no such luck.

In attempt to keep things “normal” I keep trying to participate in life as much as I can even when it is hard for me. Last Sunday, was a challenge for me.  G had been working on a project for some time now and it involved an underground, grassroots’ bike race of sorts-The Bottle Ride.  He would be hosting this ‘event’ and of course I did not want to miss this. While this was his dream for a few years, I felt very much a part of the final process.   Unfortunately it was scheduled for 3 days post treatment so there was no telling how I was going to feel. That morning, I felt exhausted after not sleeping very well.  I actually have not slept well since March, but this was a particularly rough night.  I managed to put on my tough girl, invisible wonder woman costume on and drag myself to The Bottle Ride and help my guy.  It was not easy, but it felt so great to be there and be a part of this as it meant a lot to both of us that I was there.  He tried to talk me out of it but anyone that knows me, knows when I get something in my mind that I rarely listen.  The event was a wonderful success and I was so proud of him for following through on this dream and not letting my cancer stop him.

Sunday afternoon and Monday were just as I expected.  My joints and bones ached so much that I just had to keep reminding myself, this is all temporary.   While it does and did pass – for the most part, I know I have to do this all over again next week.  It gets harder and harder to keep up my strength and spirit but I only have two more to go!

I have been struggling with a few things the past couple weeks: The exhaustion has set in both physically and mentally.  I have been told by the nurses that I’m slightly anemic due to the chemotherapy and that is just normal.  My white blood cells dropped substantially and I just hope my body can regenerate more before next Thursday so I can stay on schedule.  My body is really taking quite a hit and now I understand firsthand what people meant when I would  hear them say -the treatments will make you sick in order to get you well. 

As I go circling around this vortex, I get caught up in it all and have realized how isolating this process can be.  As much as I do not want cancer to define me, it does take up a ton of my time and energy right now.  It is hard not to think about it all the time and I find myself talking about it way more than I want to.  I can keep hoping for that day that might pass when I don’t remember that I have cancer.

So in the spirit of trying to stay normal…G and I had purchased tickets to see the film screening of Chasing Legends.  It was only playing one night in NYC so regardless of the pouring rain or me not being on top of my game, we kept to the plan.  During my weekly Herceptin treatment Thursday morning, my chemo nurse suggested I put on my wig (yes I bought a wig a while back) and meet my guy in the city, not as the girl with cancer but as his girlfriend.  That is exactly what I did.  It was pretty funny watching the look on G’s face when he passed right by me on the street.  He was looking for his girl- but not the one with hair!  What a great night we had.   I drove in as the theatre was on the upper west side and we met for dinner and headed to the movie at the Symphony Space.  Great venue, fantastic movie and great date night with my guy!

So it is now October and yes it is breast cancer awareness month.  We are surrounded by pink ribbons and commercials and walks to raise money for research and awareness and hopefully one day a cure.   Of course I am in favor of all of this but there is so much commercialism that surrounds this cause that it makes me feel a little weird about it.  I have heard from other survivors that they dread October as it’s a reminder of their disease and that they don’t like how everything “turns pink”.   I have not decided really how I feel about it all.  It is all still so new and I am still so vulnerable.   

I will say that I have come to find some great resources out there for woman with breast cancer.  I am also one to support locally when I can so, with that being said I will be walking this Sunday October 3 for the 16^th annual Support –A Walk at FDR State Park in New York.   All proceeds benefit Support Connection –“not-for-profit organization that provides emotional, social, and educational support services to women, their families and friends affected by breast and ovarian cancer. The support provided enables women to help each other and empowers them to become their own health care advocates.”   I know where the money is going so that makes me feel good about the cause and I am personally grateful to have access to this resource.  

Have a great weekend everyone and happy Fall!

Great film...

Bikes, Boats and Bald Baby Bird?

Last Friday was the best I have felt in a week.  I have yet to feel 100% since surgery, but I have come to terms  that it may not be  for awhile.  As I get more adjusted to the new me, I start to figure out my limits. And, try to give myself a little push past them.  I've never been one to stay within the limits. 

I started off Friday morning with a very productive physical therapy session.  My therapist is helping me work out the cording in my left arm.  Cording can happen after having a axillary lymph node dissection, which I did.  It limits my range of motion in my shoulder and causes a great deal of tightness, as if I have a tense rope that starts under my armpit.  It can cause pain when I'm doing certain activities so it needs to be stretched.  I am hopeful for a full recovery from this.

On any given Friday evening, you can pull into the parking lot at Graham Hills in Pleasantville to find a group of mountain bikers ready to head into the woods to get their ride on. I've missed these rides.  It has been over two months since I've been able to ride my mountain bike in the woods.   With the clearance from most of my team of doctors, G loaded the bikes on the car and we headed for the woods.  I didn't really know who was going to be there at the trail. Oddly, I was nervous.  Will I still remember how to do this?  Will my arm hurt?  It has also been a while since I've seen a lot of these guys and there is always a bit of social anxiety that comes with this diagnosis-I've felt a bit isolated these days.  As people arrive and I see their huge smiles and realize they are just happy to see me, it was then I started to feel more comfortable in my skin.  As I'm gearing up I hear " Reba, are you here to ride?" I'm sure gonna try!


G captures my first dirt ride. 

 I have a long way to go before I get back up to speed and confidence but this was a good start.  

On Saturday G and I headed up to the Peekskill Celebration for the Dragon Boat Races.  My mother met us up at the train station and we headed over to meet my teammates for the day.  The Yin Yang Dragons- Great group of random people out to celebrate life.  Some folks I knew before from other activities and ironically, there was a couple there that I know from mountain biking!  

Getting ready to get in the boat- Holding my rose proudly for the Cancer Awareness Rose Ceremony

My mom and me

The Dragon

Trying to figure out if the roses will make it through the race?

Paddling out to line up

The race

Post race, the boats come together for the Cancer Awareness Rose Ceremony.  Quite emotional with bag pipes and all. 

View from the shoreline

Roses now float  away as a symbol of those that have lost their battle or continue to fight to beat the cancer dragon.

Paddling back to the dock. 

Safe and sound back at the dock- phew!

Me and my beautiful, strong and courageous friend J.

This was a great day. Thank you to my friends for inviting me to paddle with your team and to be able to participate in the Cancer Awareness Ceremony.  This experience will be with me forever and will remind me on those dark days that there IS life after diagnosis and Cancer will not define me or defeat me.  Also, thank you to my mom and my guy who came out to support me.

I was so tired after this event that I ended up passing out on the couch for a 2 hour nap before joining up with my sister.  This was her last weekend in town before she heads back to her real life in Maine.  I am going to miss her so much I have trouble even thinking about it. 

I had planned to try and ride in the woods again on Sunday morning, but  my arm hurt too much.  I didn't want to over do it. So we decided to hit the North County Trail again.  These are great endurance rides for me and are way less hard on my body.  I was very tired after the full weekend of activities but so grateful for feeling well enough to participate and enjoy the fantastic weather and people.

So, am I totally bald yet?  I still have baby bird like fuzz on my head but yes, I'm almost completely bald.

Taken Friday night- even less than that now.

Coming to...is this a bad dream?

The past few days seem to have run together. I wake up each morning to the sound of my guys alarm clock. It's early and my body is so tired but my mind is wide awake already struggling to process the smallest of daily tasks that are ahead of me. Normally, rising at 6 am in the summer would just mean trying to get a long road ride in before the heat. Instead, I get this horrible wave of nausea and think it is impossible to get up and try to put food in my body let alone a bike ride. Round 2 had some side effects lessen while others seemed relentless. They say this treatment is cumulative so I have another two rounds of this particular drug cocktail to look forward to. My chemo nurse tells me that the next drug is not as bad with the nausea. I can only pray that is the case. That doesn't help me now but it does give me hope that this will end.

Last weekend started off well.
Here is a picture G took of me. We were on a training ride and a friendly visit to our friends at Briarcliff Bike Works. It was a good day considering I was 2 days post chemo and on the single speed. Don't comment on the no helmet. The hair was very fragile at this point.

This was the longest ride yet. After getting some post ride bagels and stocking up for the house, we head home to meet up with my sister. The question of the day. To buzz or not to buzz? It has become a sensitive subject. After taking a shower and washing my hair, I realize this is one of the inevitable things that I just have to accept. Off we go to the local Barber Pole. My sister, my guy and my last bit of locks.

Me explaining to the lovely Kim how short I am wanting to go. I could tell she was nervous but once she got started, there was no stopping her.


We both get in our chairs...oh did I forget to mention that G is buzzing his hair as well? His idea. I tried to talk him out of it.


But then I made him go first.


My turn. Penny for my thoughts...


Yup, it's all gone. Still smiling. Remember, my sister is the photographer and we always try to get a laugh out of any situation.


Laughing with you, I promise.


OK..let's roll!


Thank you to the kind folks at the Barber Pole in Tarrytown for helping a girl out!

Hmmm, what just happened?


Sunday came and went and I never made it up to the big race. I had to pull the plug at the last minute as I could barely get myself off the couch. The idea of driving in a car for 2 hours round trip made my stomach turn and my head spin. That is just the way this whole thing goes. A few days pass and I just try to get through it. I know I will and I know that there is an end to this madness but when I'm in the thick of it, it just sucks so bad.

So, I'm coming to and no, this is not a bad dream. I'm fully aware of what is happening to me. I am almost completely bald since these photos were taken. I'm still trying to embrace this so no photos yet. I had to take a lint roller to my head, yes a lint roller, to help the shedding process. It's like living with a cat, temporarily. My scalp is sensitive so I can't do too much at once. I have little patches still on the top of my head and G has nick named me baby bird. Very endearing and well, pretty funny.

My body is tired and my morale took a dive this week but I am heading into the "good days" before I have to go back for round 3. The weekend weather looks to be next to perfect so I plan to enjoy it as much as possible.

There is a great festival going on in the city of Peekskill this weekend. It's called the Peekskill Celebration. If your in the area, it should be a great time. A survivor friend of mine has invited me to join in the Dragon Boat Races which start at 9:00 am Saturday. I won't be racing but if all goes well I will be paddling in the Cancer Awareness race at noon.