With time...

Today, I was given my final Herceptin infusion.  With time, I am hoping this image will be a very distant memory. 

No more tanning...unless I'm at the beach!

As planned, Monday was my final radiation treatment.  It is almost too difficult to describe the feeling that day.   It was the last time I would climb up on that cold metal table.  My radiation therapists T and R were both there and sharing in my glory.  It always takes a minute or three for them to get me all lined up on the table so that I am properly aligned with the machine.  R was telling me about her holiday weekend and T was getting me all dialed in.  Then I heard the same line that I have heard for 33 days..."All set, we will be right back".  I usually just say OK but this time, I yelled out "Hey T- make this a good one!".  Right before the giant door closed me in I heard, "It will be the best one yet Rebecca".  I closed my eyes and waited the moment to hear the buzzer.  I started my mantra - a little prayer I came up with to ease the scary moments.  This was the last time I hope I ever hear that noise again.  The 20 seconds ended- this particular treatment only lasted that long.  Usually there were 4 of those.  The buzzer stopped and I felt it...The big smile across my face.  I wanted to jump up off that table with a giant Yahoo,  but I just kept it inside.  R and T walked back in the room to help me get off the table and they both gave me a big hug before sending me on my way.  It was bitter sweet to know I will not see those folks every day...But they understand that most patients never want to be back there again.  I plan to visit but not until my follow up with DrM.  That is not for six weeks!  According to DrM, my skin looks the best he has ever seen.  Scary thought considering I am pretty well fried and my underarm is starting to peel.  I will take his word for it and from what I have heard from others experiences, I am feeling pretty lucky. 

While I have a huge sense of relief to be finished with the major treatments, I have a little ways to go yet.  I must allow myself some time to heal from the radiation and continue to allow my body to flush out the remaining chemicals from my system.  I am gauging this by a few different things but one is by my finger nails.  One of the many side effects of chemotherapy was my nails all turned white from the nail bed up and became extremely brittle.  I was lucky they didn't fall off but  it was still so weird and pretty ugly.  They are almost all grown out now.  I have maybe another month to go.

With the new year beginning so well, I promised myself I would not look too deep into the belly of 2010.  However, while cleaning up my office desk yesterday, I came upon an envelope of photos that have been given to me over the year.  They are actual prints and I do not have the original digital so I decided to scan some of them into my computer.  Here is one that G and I both found pretty hard to look at.  It brought up a lot of emotion both individually ( I'm sure his experience and memories of this is different than mine) and together.  I almost can't look too closely at it but thought I would share it with all of you.  Some of you were there that night.  It was taken on May 25, 2010 - The night before my surgery. 

Heading home after an evening I will never forget. 

For now, I am trying to separate these two years but it is not as easy as just turning over the calender.  Where does 2010 end and where does 2011 really begin? I will just have to let time work that out.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family who have supported me over the last year and to my random blog readers out there....Let this year bring us all many wonderful things!

I think it is time.

Although this has not been done intentionally- I have been holding onto my hair.  Yes my hair that I was and still am planning on sending into Locks of Love. I didn't really mean to hold onto it this long, really I did not.  

If you recall back in July, I took control of the inevitable. My chemo induced hair loss.  I cut it short and saved the ponytail to send into Locks of Love.  Two weeks later in August, I had my second treatment and my hair started falling out rapidly so I went for the buzz cut.   Things seemed a bit manic those days and I usually felt horrible on the days following treatment so after I had come back from the salon with my ponytail, I just put it in a zip lock bag and set it on a shelf.  While I was reorganizing things  a month or so ago, I stumbled upon it.  I thought about not opening the bag but I couldn't resist.  There is was.  My beautiful ponytail.  I ran my fingers through it, held it up to the light to see the beautiful colors and thought- Oh how I miss this hair.  Wait, this is so weird.  I have to mail this right away.  I scratched my bald head, thought about my beautiful hair and put it back in the envelope ready to mail but left it unsealed.  Life got busy and than I forgot again....damn it.  Is it chemo brain or can I just not let go of this ponytail?

Do you know how much i loved my long hair? I did. If I were to be vain about myself physically, one of the two things would have been my long hair.

Over the past month my hair has started to grow back pretty quickly.  I wish my eyebrows and eyelashes would come back quicker but all in due time. 

See...it's growing!

I think it is time to let go and allow for "new growth".  During this whole cancer process, somethings have been harder than others to let go of.  I thought I would be thicker skinned with the hair loss but frankly, I'm over being bald or worrying about covering up my head in public.  At least it is wool hat season!
 

The envelope is sealed and ready to go.

A colorful future.

Last Thursday marked the end of my chemotherapy treatment- hopefully forever!  It was quite anticlimactic for me, but none the less, another part of this long process completed.   

 I am still working through the side effects- Emotional as well as the physical.  Some of the side-effects have gotten worse, which was to be expected.  These drugs have so many effects on my body ( and mind) that I have forgotten what is ‘normal’ - I am hopeful they will pass with time.  The doctor says there is a chance that some of them will not go away.  We discussed this in her office on Thursday when I told her of some new side- effects ( they don’t tell you all of them before you sign on the dotted line): most concerning was that it was starting to get bad in my feet.   She leaned back in her chair, looked me straight in the eyes and said “I want to give you this last dose, but I cannot take it out of you once it is in you and you need to be aware that this may be permanent”.  She left the choice up to me- take the last treatment knowing this side-effect could get worse and may be permanent or opt out of the last recommended treatment.  I guess you could say my decision was made mostly out of fear.  Not the fear of permanent nerve damage, but the fear that if I did not proceed with her recommend treatment, I could increase my chance of recurrence (stage IV metastatic breast cancer to one of my organs) - I opted to take the drug.   The pain and numbness in my hands and feet have gotten worse.My lips are numb again as well.  I feel as if I made the best choice that I could.  It is a good thing I am not really a runner.  I can pedal with numb feet – I think. But I can do without the sharp pains.

 

Lately, I have had friends ask me questions like: “did it work?”, “are you all better now?”, “how do they know it’s all gone?”  .  We never really know for sure if it worked.  We just assume (hope and pray) it did.  They will not do repeated scans on me as that would subject me to unnecessary radiation but they will do blood tests to check if my tumor markers are elevated.  I was told by my doctor on the day I started the chemo treatments that my tumor markers were normal and did not show to be elevated.  That and a clear PET scan was a good thing.  Blood tests are not always the best determinant if the disease is progressing or not, but it does give them a guideline.  I am told that there is no evidence to prove that a patient’s prognosis is any different if they find recurrence through a scan or if the patient shows symptoms.  Now I need to work on trying not to panic every time I have a cough or a headache and wonder if it has spread to my brain or my lungs.  Fear can be a powerful thing. 

 

Now what?  I still have a ways to go.  Since there is no cure for cancer, as a cancer diagnosis never goes away, there are still treatments I can have to help prevent recurrence.  I will continue with my Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks until September 2011.  I still have to go through 6 weeks of radiation that will start right after Thanksgiving.  Once I complete radiation, I will start taking the Tamoxifen pill for the next 5 years.

 

In the meantime, I will be trying to recover from the chemotherapy and hopefully get to enjoy some time on my bike.  The woods have been so amazingly beautiful here in NY.  I love the change of season and all the beauty it brings with it. 

Some great colors in a place that is close to my heart. 

Even on a cloudy/rainy day. 

"so many roads to ease my sole.." Jerry Garcia

Long road: A new mileage record on the road bike this past weekend.

We rode our mountain bikes on Saturday at Graham Hills for a couple of hours.  Although I rode well and did more technical sections than I have done post surgery- the mountain biking still takes a lot out of me.  So as much as I preferred riding in the woods, the road bike was the plan for Sunday.  G and I left the house with no expectations other than to enjoy the beautiful day together on our bikes.  As it turns out, I had pretty good legs and we were able to make it 42 miles! 

The only thing that could steal my fire that day was the reminder that next Sunday I would feel like junk again. 

 

Tomorrow is my last chemo treatment.  I guess one would think that I would be a little more excited.  Maybe I will feel different once the last of the side-effects clears out of my system- will all the side-effects ever go away?  I know I still have a long road ahead.   Anyone that has been around me during the last 4months knows that I get a bit grumpy the day prior to my treatments.  I guess it is because I know what is coming.

I do hope that this is the last chemotherapy that I will EVER need again.  

G captures a techy moment.

Smiles all day.  

Long Road.

October- when did that happen?!

It is still hard for me to believe that it has been six months since this whole cancer process started.   It was April 2 when I went in for my ultra sound.  I will never forget the look on my radiologists face and the tone of her voice when she reviewed my images.  I sat in her office with my mammogram x-rays surrounding us like I was in some sci-fi movie.  I know that she knew from those many, many films that were lit up on her wall that I had cancer.   I had no idea how much my life was going to change that day.  I do remember being really scared-I still am.   In a way I’m still not sure what is going on and I keep thinking I’m going to wake up from this nightmare...no such luck.

In attempt to keep things “normal” I keep trying to participate in life as much as I can even when it is hard for me. Last Sunday, was a challenge for me.  G had been working on a project for some time now and it involved an underground, grassroots’ bike race of sorts-The Bottle Ride.  He would be hosting this ‘event’ and of course I did not want to miss this. While this was his dream for a few years, I felt very much a part of the final process.   Unfortunately it was scheduled for 3 days post treatment so there was no telling how I was going to feel. That morning, I felt exhausted after not sleeping very well.  I actually have not slept well since March, but this was a particularly rough night.  I managed to put on my tough girl, invisible wonder woman costume on and drag myself to The Bottle Ride and help my guy.  It was not easy, but it felt so great to be there and be a part of this as it meant a lot to both of us that I was there.  He tried to talk me out of it but anyone that knows me, knows when I get something in my mind that I rarely listen.  The event was a wonderful success and I was so proud of him for following through on this dream and not letting my cancer stop him.

Sunday afternoon and Monday were just as I expected.  My joints and bones ached so much that I just had to keep reminding myself, this is all temporary.   While it does and did pass – for the most part, I know I have to do this all over again next week.  It gets harder and harder to keep up my strength and spirit but I only have two more to go!

I have been struggling with a few things the past couple weeks: The exhaustion has set in both physically and mentally.  I have been told by the nurses that I’m slightly anemic due to the chemotherapy and that is just normal.  My white blood cells dropped substantially and I just hope my body can regenerate more before next Thursday so I can stay on schedule.  My body is really taking quite a hit and now I understand firsthand what people meant when I would  hear them say -the treatments will make you sick in order to get you well. 

As I go circling around this vortex, I get caught up in it all and have realized how isolating this process can be.  As much as I do not want cancer to define me, it does take up a ton of my time and energy right now.  It is hard not to think about it all the time and I find myself talking about it way more than I want to.  I can keep hoping for that day that might pass when I don’t remember that I have cancer.

So in the spirit of trying to stay normal…G and I had purchased tickets to see the film screening of Chasing Legends.  It was only playing one night in NYC so regardless of the pouring rain or me not being on top of my game, we kept to the plan.  During my weekly Herceptin treatment Thursday morning, my chemo nurse suggested I put on my wig (yes I bought a wig a while back) and meet my guy in the city, not as the girl with cancer but as his girlfriend.  That is exactly what I did.  It was pretty funny watching the look on G’s face when he passed right by me on the street.  He was looking for his girl- but not the one with hair!  What a great night we had.   I drove in as the theatre was on the upper west side and we met for dinner and headed to the movie at the Symphony Space.  Great venue, fantastic movie and great date night with my guy!

So it is now October and yes it is breast cancer awareness month.  We are surrounded by pink ribbons and commercials and walks to raise money for research and awareness and hopefully one day a cure.   Of course I am in favor of all of this but there is so much commercialism that surrounds this cause that it makes me feel a little weird about it.  I have heard from other survivors that they dread October as it’s a reminder of their disease and that they don’t like how everything “turns pink”.   I have not decided really how I feel about it all.  It is all still so new and I am still so vulnerable.   

I will say that I have come to find some great resources out there for woman with breast cancer.  I am also one to support locally when I can so, with that being said I will be walking this Sunday October 3 for the 16^th annual Support –A Walk at FDR State Park in New York.   All proceeds benefit Support Connection –“not-for-profit organization that provides emotional, social, and educational support services to women, their families and friends affected by breast and ovarian cancer. The support provided enables women to help each other and empowers them to become their own health care advocates.”   I know where the money is going so that makes me feel good about the cause and I am personally grateful to have access to this resource.  

Have a great weekend everyone and happy Fall!

Great film...

Humbling moments and new side effects.

It seems that I have just traded in some of the horrible old side effects for some new ones.  As promised by my nurses and oncologist, the nausea has become almost non-existent-thank goodness.  The fatigue though has increased a great deal and they warned me of the possibility of joint/muscle pain which has also reared its ugly head. My hips and knees are so achy, it's hard to walk, but hopefully that will ease up as the week goes by.  There is also the chance of developing neuropathy which I am not even willing to entertain the idea of right now. I am taking Vitamin B6 to try to avoid this but since I'm taking such a high dose of the drug, I will have to wait and see.  They say it's reversible but as an athlete, the numbing of the hands and feet concerns me.  My lips started to get numb yesterday, but my oncologist said "if it gets worse, call me, but this is probably just from the Taxol".  It amazes me how much discomfort I find to be acceptable through all of this.

After making it through a fairly productive Friday considering it was the day after treatment, I had high hopes for Saturday.  We slept in as both G and I were both exhausted from the week.  Frankly, I was still recovering from the horrors of the week prior.  Since I was not nauseous, I was able to make my favorite homemade waffles for breakfast and enjoy a cup of coffee with my guy.  These are a couple of the simple things that I used to not think twice about doing, but now are treats for me.

We managed to get a road ride in even though I was really feeling the fatigue.  My goal was to force myself to stay at the same pace throughout the course of the ride.  It is actually a training technique that is quite effective and not as easy as it sounds.  There is always the body and mostly the mind that wants to push harder or slow down.  It was not my furthest ride but it was so beautiful out I was able to log 18 miles, so I was pleased.  It was a good pace for G to be able to save his legs.  Our friend RR and I were both trying to push him to race the Chain Stretcher the next day.

Sunday was one of the most humbling days for me, but I'm glad I went.  It was race day and I was so happy that G made the last minute decision to race.  Now I really had to go!  My legs had started to feel pretty achy right as we were getting ready to leave so I was really worried about how the day was going to play out.  I could not tell G how badly my legs hurt or he might have backed out.  He was going to load my bike up on the car and I told him not to bother-I would not need my bike on that race day Sunday.

This was the first time I had been up to Blue Mountain since before my surgery.  We pulled into the parking lot. I saw all the racers getting ready and circling the parking lots to keep their legs warmed up. There were lots of familiar faces. I’ve missed this scene but at the same time I  felt very out of place.  We had less than an hour until the start of the cat. 2 race so G hurried up to registration while I poked around the car negotiating my backpack of previsions and chatted  it up with another racing couple that pulled up next to us.

As I slowly headed up to the lodge where the registration and start tent was- I felt tired, out of breath and anxious.  I had not been at a race since April and a lot of folks had no idea what I had been going through.  People started to come up to me and wanted to give me big hugs-  I wanted to receive these hugs so badly but I had to stop them.  I didn’t want to compromise my immunity at this stage of my treatment.  The treatments lower my white blood cell count and can make me susceptible to even the smallest of germs that people don’t even know they have.  Some understood and some I had to explain it to.  Just seeing everyone and the smiling faces was enough for me. For now it is virtual hugs.

As great as it was to see everyone, it was a little humbling to see all the women that I would have been racing with this year.  They looked so strong and healthy and as I was standing with them, I felt so weak.  My hips and knees were aching so badly.  I wondered if they could tell how much pain I was in?  There is something ingrained in me that I have had my whole life- I used to use it when I raced or rode with a group: don’t let them know your suffering.  I know this is different, but it’s hard to turn off that switch.

I tried to hike up to a spot on the course that I knew would be a great spectator spot, as it was one of the most technical rock sections.  I only made it up so far until I decided that I had enough.  I perched myself on a rock and watched the riders pass by and attempted to take some photos.  I borrowed G’s camera- evidently I could use a few more lessons using it.  Most of the photos came out blurry.

I was hanging out with a racing friend for a while who is also unable to race due to some health issues of her own.  When she headed back to the lodge, I stayed and took the time to enjoy being alone in the woods. I have not been able to do that since the surgery.  I waited to see all the racers pass on their first lap.  At that point I felt really fatigued so I decided it best to head back to the lodge.  Physically I was all done at this point- even the walk back through the woods took a lot out of me.

G did great!  He finished strong and got the miles in his legs.  I was so happy that one of us got to race the Chain Stretcher.  I could not stay as long as I would have liked to but it really was so nice to see everyone.  Even though I did not feel good or get to race, it was great to be a part of the racing scene again.

So far, so good.

It has been 24 hours since the start of my last treatment and so far the side effects have been pretty minimal.  I hope it stays that way.  It is too soon to really tell what the side effects may do to me, as they can take a few days to build up and come to the surface.  I'm trying to just roll with it and not give it any energy.

The treatment day was extra long due to the nature of these new drugs.  I had good company at the treatment, so the time passed by pretty quickly. Or as quick as 8 hours can go by when you are stuck in the hospital. 

I had an appointment this morning with my plastic surgeon.  It has been a month since i last saw her, so it was nice to have the "everything looks good" from her rather than me just assuming that all is ok.

The upside to the visit was that she was able to expand my implants today- progress.  We are on a time schedule of sorts, as I have to be fully expanded before I start radiation.  At this point I don't have a start date but it should be somewhere around the end of November.  I only can get 50 cc's of saline at a time to avoid too much pain and discomfort as we are expanding my tissue.  I can only have this done the day after treatments as typically that is when my white blood cell count is still up.  My next appointment with the plastic surgeon is in two weeks and if all is well, I get another 50 cc's. 

It is Friday and I am really looking forward to the weekend.  If these side effects stay under control, I will try to get a nice road ride in on Saturday.  Sunday is the Chain Stretcher bike race.  This is a cross country mountain bike race that is put on by our club-WMBA.  G likes to refer to this race as the bare knuckle boxing of mountain bike racing because it is such a hard course.  It is never an easy race and is by far one of the more technical races in the area.  I won this race last year so it has special meaning to me.

The course for this year looks not to disappoint.   Sadly, I'm not racing but if I'm well enough I will head up there to spectate and cheer on my fellow racers and teammates. 

Flier for the race Sunday!

I wish you all a great weekend! 

Cumulative- you can say that again!

I have been having trouble writing about this past week.  I am not sure if it is the physical or the emotional or a combination of  both. Sometimes it is hard to explain the non tangible of the feeling of being sick.

I had my fourth chemo treatment last Thursday. It was not only the halfway mark to finishing the chemotherapy portion of my treatment, but it was also the last of the "Red Devil" cocktail.  I was told that chemotherapy was cumulative in terms of effects on the body, but also that the A.C. part (the Red Devil) is the worst of it.  I left the hospital  feeling about the same as the other times.  I was tired from the long day and all the Benadryl they had given me before the chemo.  For the most part things appeared normal for the next couple days.  I was fighting the typical fatigue and nausea, but of course I rode my bike. Bike riding is one of the few good things in my life that makes me feel alive. 

Friday night G and I opted for a short and sweet single speed ride on the NCT. It was about all I had in me but it felt great to get out and do a ride.

Saturday I felt a little better than normal.  I was able to ride almost 20 miles on the road bike and make it to a BBQ at my fathers house.  I commented to G while we pedaled home- this ride reminds me of the pre-race day rides we used to do: how I miss racing.  It's not just the racing that I miss, it's the whole scene.  Last Sunday was the Mountain Bike World Cup  at Wyndham Resort in upstate New York.  I had friends and teammates racing and a bunch of people I knew heading up to be a part of the scene.  I was going to miss yet another event.  So disappointing.

I felt pretty lousy on Sunday but took a friends advise - 'Ride even if it hurts'.  We took a little adventure ride on the single speeds up the Croton Aquaduct from our house.

It was perfect for the single speed and not too much work for my body post chemo.

North of 117 and Rockwood park

My guys favorite bridge. Don't look down G! 

And I wore my cancer sucks socks because it does!

Sunday and Monday quickly went down hill for me.  Historically, those are my most difficult days but something was different.  I could not get a grip on my stomach issues and next thing I knew it was Tuesday at 6:00 am and I was throwing up out of control.  Thank god G was there for me as I would probably still be laying on the bathroom floor.  Dehydration is a huge concern, so the hospital advised us to come in and they would give me fluids.  I spent 6 hours in the triage room getting a bag and a half of fluids pumped in my body. My oncologist and all the nurses are so wonderful -they take great care of me.  All my blood work came back normal, so if I could just keep liquids and some food in me ( ginger ale and crackers) they would send me home. I did not want to get admitted overnight so I choked it down... barely.

Since then, I have been slowly crawling out of this hole. As of today, I am unable to eat much more than plain white rice and chicken broth.

It is a holiday weekend and while my plans are not working out the way I thought they would, I will try to enjoy this beautiful weather we are having here in NY.  I hope you all have safe and wonderful weekend.

A Hug For Your Head.

There has not been many positive things that have yet to come out of having cancer.  But if there is one positive thing that I have come to experience, it is that there are some generous, kind and loving people out there in the world.  I did not need to have cancer knock on my door to remind me of this, but it has and I am grateful for it.

I have been blessed to have so much support from my boyfriend, family, friends, and medical team- all have been on my side ready to support me in whatever I need.  I do need a lot of support these days- some days I am not sure what it is I need, but I need it whatever it is. It could be anything; It could be a sweet kiss from my guy as he tells me how special I am, an email from a friend who is sending me strength, or a visit from a friend or family member just because they want to and not because I asked them to. It all helps and I am grateful for it. 

Why this sudden burst of gratitude?  The gratitude never goes away but some things are just strong reminders that human beings can be inspired to have compassion and love for even a complete stranger.

I had been poking around the internet a month or so ago and stumbled upon another breast cancer survivor blog.  One of her entries was about how you could receive a free head wrap if you were going through treatment.  With the future looking bleak for my hair, I was intrigued.  

France Luxe is a hair ornament company out of Washington state.  The CEO/President, Laurie Erickson developed a program called Good Wishes. -"Our mission is simple: to provide, free of charge, one beautiful It’s a Wrap or Good Wishes Scarf to women and children experiencing the thinning or loss of hair as a result of illness or treatment, to in some small way, to ease their journey. Our goal is to provide a small bit of comfort and share the power of positive thinking and good wishes with these individuals on their path to healing and recovery."

They don't just have head wraps so check out their site- they have some really fun stuff.

I emailed Laurie and asked how her program works.  I received a quick reply from her simply asking me to make a choice of design and she will get started on making my wrap.  Wow, this is fantastic. I emailed her my choice and went on about my life.  

My treatments have been moving forward  and as the doctors promised, I have lost my hair- this week was a bit tougher than the prior weeks. It was a hard pill to swallow and dampened my spirits. 

Tuesday of last week, I got my mail and waiting for me was  "It's a wrap" from Laurie.  Not only is it handmade, with beautiful colors, wonderful material, well crafted and packaged up so perfectly,  it came with something even more special.  A card, personally signed by Laurie and a dozen women that I have never met with messages of strength, courage and hope.  On what seemed to be a miserable day in the land of the cancer vortex, was quickly brightened by the loving energy of strangers.  Thank you ladies for the hug for my head.

"It's a wrap" 

Kindness of strangers.

Just like Ground Hog Day.

Today was treatment # 3. I have been feeling physically good the past week, so when I got up this morning I took a nice brisk walk through town. My goal was to hit as many hills as I could to test myself.

It is a hard pill to swallow to know that in a few hours, I would be right back where I was two weeks ago and the two weeks prior to that.

I was very anxious this morning.  Some parts have gotten easier, but I think just the anticipation of feeling like junk is getting to me.  The walk helped to take some of the edge off.   My father arrived at my house a 10:30 to accompany me to my treatment and had a bunch of yummy food for me.  It was his turn to join the 'party'.  Dr. W. my oncologist and I like to say "lets get this party started."  Probably a strange comment but it works for me.  It certainly is not a party by any means.

The check up with the nurse and Dr. W went well.  My heart and lungs are great and my white blood count is back up into the safe zone.  I can't remember the figure to be exact but it was somewhere in the 9,000's.  I am cleared for treatment.  We head upstairs to the chemo suite.  While we wait for the nurse to call us in,  I eat half my P.B.& J  so there is something in my stomach to help prepare me for all the drugs.  

The treatment seemed to move pretty fast today and again, totally uneventful.  We were home before 3 which is great!  I had spoken to a friend this afternoon and was trying to explain how this whole process felt.  What came to mind was Ground Hog Day with Bill Murry.  One of my favorite movies of all time.  I feel like I'm finding a rhythm but no matter what, it's the same results and all the same cast of characters are there.  For the most part, I can just predict the scene.  One of my favorite characters is in the waiting room.

He was eying my P.B. & J

Some updates on the biking world.  G and I went for a ride the other night.  Me on my road bike - for the first time and him on his mountain bike.The arm still hurt but it felt great to be on the road bike.  I had gotten this bike just for training but secretly, I also like riding on the road.  Ok, well now it's not a secret.

Yes, my road bike is pink.  I told you I like pink!

Me attempting to take more pictures of myself riding.

Riding side by side- sort of. 

Riding home at sunset- Tarrytown Lakes

I know I have my work cut out for me the next 5-6 days. But I also know, I'll get through it just like I did the last time.  I can always hope it's not as bad as the last time. 

Coming to...is this a bad dream?

The past few days seem to have run together. I wake up each morning to the sound of my guys alarm clock. It's early and my body is so tired but my mind is wide awake already struggling to process the smallest of daily tasks that are ahead of me. Normally, rising at 6 am in the summer would just mean trying to get a long road ride in before the heat. Instead, I get this horrible wave of nausea and think it is impossible to get up and try to put food in my body let alone a bike ride. Round 2 had some side effects lessen while others seemed relentless. They say this treatment is cumulative so I have another two rounds of this particular drug cocktail to look forward to. My chemo nurse tells me that the next drug is not as bad with the nausea. I can only pray that is the case. That doesn't help me now but it does give me hope that this will end.

Last weekend started off well.
Here is a picture G took of me. We were on a training ride and a friendly visit to our friends at Briarcliff Bike Works. It was a good day considering I was 2 days post chemo and on the single speed. Don't comment on the no helmet. The hair was very fragile at this point.

This was the longest ride yet. After getting some post ride bagels and stocking up for the house, we head home to meet up with my sister. The question of the day. To buzz or not to buzz? It has become a sensitive subject. After taking a shower and washing my hair, I realize this is one of the inevitable things that I just have to accept. Off we go to the local Barber Pole. My sister, my guy and my last bit of locks.

Me explaining to the lovely Kim how short I am wanting to go. I could tell she was nervous but once she got started, there was no stopping her.


We both get in our chairs...oh did I forget to mention that G is buzzing his hair as well? His idea. I tried to talk him out of it.


But then I made him go first.


My turn. Penny for my thoughts...


Yup, it's all gone. Still smiling. Remember, my sister is the photographer and we always try to get a laugh out of any situation.


Laughing with you, I promise.


OK..let's roll!


Thank you to the kind folks at the Barber Pole in Tarrytown for helping a girl out!

Hmmm, what just happened?


Sunday came and went and I never made it up to the big race. I had to pull the plug at the last minute as I could barely get myself off the couch. The idea of driving in a car for 2 hours round trip made my stomach turn and my head spin. That is just the way this whole thing goes. A few days pass and I just try to get through it. I know I will and I know that there is an end to this madness but when I'm in the thick of it, it just sucks so bad.

So, I'm coming to and no, this is not a bad dream. I'm fully aware of what is happening to me. I am almost completely bald since these photos were taken. I'm still trying to embrace this so no photos yet. I had to take a lint roller to my head, yes a lint roller, to help the shedding process. It's like living with a cat, temporarily. My scalp is sensitive so I can't do too much at once. I have little patches still on the top of my head and G has nick named me baby bird. Very endearing and well, pretty funny.

My body is tired and my morale took a dive this week but I am heading into the "good days" before I have to go back for round 3. The weekend weather looks to be next to perfect so I plan to enjoy it as much as possible.

There is a great festival going on in the city of Peekskill this weekend. It's called the Peekskill Celebration. If your in the area, it should be a great time. A survivor friend of mine has invited me to join in the Dragon Boat Races which start at 9:00 am Saturday. I won't be racing but if all goes well I will be paddling in the Cancer Awareness race at noon.

Firsts.

Thursday it is. I had my blood work and EKG done yesterday so on we go. Thursday is my first chemo treatment. I had a friend ask me yesterday "what does starting your first chemo really mean?". I have been the unfortunate one who has received a crash course in cancer lingo and realize to most of my piers, young and healthy as we all should be, this is a first for them as well. Their first time to have to watch a friend go through this crap that I call the cancer vortex. So, for those that don't know or don't want to ask. First was the surgery to remove the tumor from my body, check. The tumor removal was successful but since the cancer was found in my lymph nodes the next step is chemotherapy. The lymph nodes are how the cancer can travel to the rest of your body. True my PET scan was clear which is fantastic but cancer is sneaky and likes to deposit cells in your body that may be too small to see on even the most sensitive scans. OK, so what next? Chemotherapy is really the second stage of treatments and my best chance of survival. Recurrence is clearly not an option so I wont' even entertain that. So, what does my first chemo treatment mean? It means that starting Thursday, I will receive the first of many toxic "cocktails" intravenously pushed into my body to start to kill any remaining cancer cells that could be lingering. It also kills almost everything else in it's course and can make me feel like junk. Scared? Hell yeah I'm scared! It's mostly the anxiety of not really knowing how my body will react. I just started to feel like myself again. Not really myself but a new form of me. Now what will happen to my body? I know many women have been through these same treatments and remind me that I will get through this and there is a life on the other side of this but no matter how brave I can try to be and how strong I know I am, there is always fear. I have to look at this as my very own Tour de France. My cancer treatments will be like a very long stage race. For those that are following the 2010 TDF, I am entering the mountain stage of my personal race this week and of course I am looking for a podium finish!

Speaking of biking. Onto something more exciting.... Sunday morning I decided was the day to go for my first bike ride post surgery. Although you would think I would be excited, I was nervous. What if I wasn't ready? What if I hurt myself? One would think that I wouldn't get injured on the North County Trail ( paved bike path that starts up the road from my house) but you never know. I don't want to set my recovery back. I will just have to take it easy.

Getting pumped up. I am still unable to lift anything especially my bike so here is G getting the bike all set to go before taking it down to load on the car. Normally we would ride from the house to the path and be on road bikes but the hill going to the bike path would be a bit much for the first time out and the mountain bike is that much more comfortable.

Tires were pretty flat.

Count them. One, Two bikes on the top of my car!

Getting ready to roll. Can I even reach the handle bars? This was a lot harder than it looks and quite humbling considering what I could do 7 weeks ago.

A lot harder than I thought.

And off I go.

Whoot!

I think we did about 7 or 8 miles in 45 minutes. This should give you an indication of how sloooooow I was moving. Stay tuned for the short video. I still have a very long way to go before I can "ride" my bike but I will be back. In the meantime, I will try to get in these training rides as much as my body will allow.

NCT-Riding Bikes.

See ya on the trail. North County Trail that is!