Searching for Balance.

Cancer treatments were and continue to be necessary for me to try and ensure a long and healthy life for myself- hopefully cancer free.  Unfortunately, during this process, I lost a lot of time being sick and going to and from doctor appointments or treatments. Money was lost from a lack of ability to work and my body....My body took a few blows.  It is now time to try and get back what I have lost over the last 10 months.  I feel like I have one foot outside of the Cancer Vortex and  I am trying to find my balance again.  I will try to get back what I can but the reality is, some things are lost for good.

Back in April when I was diagnosed with cancer, I was only 5 pounds away from my personal weight loss goal for the 2010 racing season.  I was in "race ready" shape.  One of the  things I kept reading about was how most women gain 10-30 pounds during their breast cancer treatments. It seemed absurd to me at the time as I always thought that people lost weight during chemotherapy.  Wrong!  With all the steroids they pump into you before and during each treatment, weight control was a never ending battle.  I had trouble eating my normal diet so I didn't always opt for the lowest calorie food.  Plus the lack of exercise- even though I still exercised, it was nothing like I was used to and it got harder toward the end of treatment.  Especially since the holidays and bad weather all came at once.  I actually did really well for a while.  But, as determined as I was to not to be part of this statistic, it was a rough 10 months.  I can't say that I have gained 30 or even 20 pounds but I am probably pushing a 10-15 pound weight gain.  So, I am back to where I was about a year ago with  a few more obstacles in my way, but I have a plan.  

While I know I gained the weight, I also know the best way for me to lose it again is race training.  I have been so focused on getting through my big treatments that I had not really put much thought into the upcoming bike racing season.  I didn't want to have too many expectations for myself.  About a month ago, I came across a post on a local bike forum- the Bearscat50.  Interesting....This was a race that I have never done before.  Actually, nobody has done this race as it is the first season it's being held.  It is a 50 mile cross country mountain bike race and on some of the best single track around.  Some might think that I am a bit crazy for even considering this race but I thought about it, discussed it with all my doctors and said, I can do this!  It is scheduled for June 5, 2011 so I have 4 months to get my butt back into shape. G has also registered for this race so we are both looking forward to training together again.

Last Wednesday, I got my stitches out of my stomach and my "all clear" pathology report from the dermatologist.   We didn't think it would be anything, but it is still good to hear.  I am not so pleased with the huge scar that she left but I guess I can't do much about that now.  Most important, it is not cancer and I'm free to go about my regular exercise. 

The woods are buried with snow so we started off our training this past weekend with over 6 hours of snowshoeing.  The snow was so deep especially where we went on Sunday.  Besides the deer tracks, there were no other tracks to be found.  My legs are exhausted but it feels awesome.  We are off to a good start!

Spring is a long ways away.  G- wait up!

So untouched and so peaceful. 

The deer seem to be making do with all the snow...many deer beds to be found.

I will attempt to have a more "normal" week ahead.  Work has been busy and it feels so good to be back full time.  I do have to start physical therapy again for the cording in my arm and some new and horrible chest pains in my left tissue expander.  The radiation caused and is causing some changes so my plastic surgeon suggested I give some P/T another try.  One of the few things that worry me about this big bike race is the physical limitations of my left arm and the pain in my tissue expanders.  The expanders will remain inside me for at least another 6 months.  If I have never mentioned it before, these things are awfully uncomfortable. 

Time will tell and in the meantime, I will train as if I will race.

Have a great week everyone!

Rebecca

Minor Setbacks and Exciting Visitors.

We are only two weeks into the new year and I am reminded that life happens on life's terms.  I have a new minor setback.  Very minor but none the less, a setback for me.  
 
About 3 years ago I discovered a mole on my stomach.  It was a new mole, one I had never seen before. It started off fairly small but it continued to grow.  I had kept an eye on it and thought it was something I would eventually have checked out.  When I had my initial breast exam last March, the doctor suggested that after I  see a breast surgeon,  I should go to a dermatologist.  That was probably the smartest thing that doctor said to me the entire visit.  Just for the record, this was the doctor from the clinic not any of my current doctors.  In fact, she is the one that when I asked for a script for a mammogram she said to me " Oh they won't do a mammogram on you, your too young for breast cancer".  Right, so like I was saying- not very helpful.  Since things have calmed down a bit,  I showed this mole to my oncologist who suggested I have their dermatologist take a look.  I thought it was probably a good idea, so I agreed.  I went to the dermatologist who biopsied the mole right then and there.  I figure it was out now and it will be all fine...Wrong!  I received a phone call from my oncologist DrW. right before Christmas.  She didn't want me to panic when the dermatology office called.  "It is not cancer and it has nothing to do with your breast cancer, but it must come out surgically"  It was a precancerous mole that "could" turn into melanoma.  I was told by the surgeon that there was no real rush so as soon as I was feeling up to it, we would get the procedure done.  She then started to explain that the healing time would be two week with 2 layers of stitches and I would not be able to exercise during that time.  That was all I heard from that point forward.  More restrictions, just when I'm starting to feel good and getting back on a routine.  As much as the idea of not being able to exercise for two weeks made me angry and frustrated ( especially after all I have been through this past year) I would just have to get it over with.  The longer I wait, the worse the timing would get.   I know it is not cancer so I'm not worried about that.  It is just another minor setback.  

I chose January 12 at 8:00 am  for a couple reasons.  It was not too close to my last radiation treatment and most importantly it would allow me to heal up and be ready to start my race training by February 1. Of course we were expecting another huge snow storm the day of my procedure but since it was in the city, they were not going to cancel it.  It would be up to me to cancel if I felt I could not make it in. As hard as I thought it through, I knew that I had to get this over with.  I woke up at 6 am and sure enough, there was a ton of snow.  G and I walked through at least a foot of snow to the train and made it to my appointment.  Thank you G, as always for your support.  The surgeon ended up cutting a 4.5 cm long piece of tissue out of my stomach!  It was a bit larger than I had expected and since it is on my upper abdomen, it's quite  uncomfortable.  Nothing compared to my big surgery but this is so annoying! 

On another note, here are some random and exciting updates:

I am happy to say that last week was my official first full week of work since April.  It felt awesome!  Come Friday I was tuckered out but still able to make a delicious dinner for G and I to kick off the weekend.

Roasted chicken and red potatoes with sauteed brussel sprouts

Since this season seems to be bringing lots of snow, we needed to find a way to enjoy it and get in some cross training.  G purchased his own pair of snowshoes and I already had a pair from my years of living in Colorado.  Last weekend we received some fresh snow so were able to explore a bit in the woods.  The trails are too snow covered to ride and the streets are not much better.

After a few hours of work on Saturday, we headed out for what seemed like more of a hike then a snowshoe since we didn't get as much snow as we thought.  As always, we managed to have a good time out there regardless. 

G lovin the snow! 

There was still some fresh snow- My tracks.

We also ran into some of our mountain bike friends who were out riding the ski bikes that my friend K built.  While I was more of a spectator, G could not resist. 

Apparently it handles really well.  I will have to try it another day.

 
Sunday we headed further up north to find more snow and we were successful.

We also met up with some good friends.

I would say he loves his new snowshoes?!

Even Olga and Jack had a great day in the woods. 

While there is a ton of new snow this past week, there won't be any snowshoeing in my near future.   BUT...As some of you know, ,my sister had her baby back in November and I've still yet to meet him.  She decided that since she was not working, she would come visit me and bring my nephew Jesse.  My birthday is on Monday so she will be here today, with Jesse to help celebrate my  birthday!  I am so excited to meet my nephew and see my sister but not so excited for my 37th birthday-yikes! 

Have a great weekend everyone! 

S.M.

No more tanning...unless I'm at the beach!

As planned, Monday was my final radiation treatment.  It is almost too difficult to describe the feeling that day.   It was the last time I would climb up on that cold metal table.  My radiation therapists T and R were both there and sharing in my glory.  It always takes a minute or three for them to get me all lined up on the table so that I am properly aligned with the machine.  R was telling me about her holiday weekend and T was getting me all dialed in.  Then I heard the same line that I have heard for 33 days..."All set, we will be right back".  I usually just say OK but this time, I yelled out "Hey T- make this a good one!".  Right before the giant door closed me in I heard, "It will be the best one yet Rebecca".  I closed my eyes and waited the moment to hear the buzzer.  I started my mantra - a little prayer I came up with to ease the scary moments.  This was the last time I hope I ever hear that noise again.  The 20 seconds ended- this particular treatment only lasted that long.  Usually there were 4 of those.  The buzzer stopped and I felt it...The big smile across my face.  I wanted to jump up off that table with a giant Yahoo,  but I just kept it inside.  R and T walked back in the room to help me get off the table and they both gave me a big hug before sending me on my way.  It was bitter sweet to know I will not see those folks every day...But they understand that most patients never want to be back there again.  I plan to visit but not until my follow up with DrM.  That is not for six weeks!  According to DrM, my skin looks the best he has ever seen.  Scary thought considering I am pretty well fried and my underarm is starting to peel.  I will take his word for it and from what I have heard from others experiences, I am feeling pretty lucky. 

While I have a huge sense of relief to be finished with the major treatments, I have a little ways to go yet.  I must allow myself some time to heal from the radiation and continue to allow my body to flush out the remaining chemicals from my system.  I am gauging this by a few different things but one is by my finger nails.  One of the many side effects of chemotherapy was my nails all turned white from the nail bed up and became extremely brittle.  I was lucky they didn't fall off but  it was still so weird and pretty ugly.  They are almost all grown out now.  I have maybe another month to go.

With the new year beginning so well, I promised myself I would not look too deep into the belly of 2010.  However, while cleaning up my office desk yesterday, I came upon an envelope of photos that have been given to me over the year.  They are actual prints and I do not have the original digital so I decided to scan some of them into my computer.  Here is one that G and I both found pretty hard to look at.  It brought up a lot of emotion both individually ( I'm sure his experience and memories of this is different than mine) and together.  I almost can't look too closely at it but thought I would share it with all of you.  Some of you were there that night.  It was taken on May 25, 2010 - The night before my surgery. 

Heading home after an evening I will never forget. 

For now, I am trying to separate these two years but it is not as easy as just turning over the calender.  Where does 2010 end and where does 2011 really begin? I will just have to let time work that out.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family who have supported me over the last year and to my random blog readers out there....Let this year bring us all many wonderful things!

Wrapping things up.

Christmas has come and gone....We started off with a Christmas Eve morning ride on some new trails in Yorktown. I was so grateful to be out in the woods among good people and the fresh air.  It meant more to me than just another other group bike ride- thank you everyone that was there.  

Too far away but you get the point.

As planned, we headed into NYC for the evening with G's parents and sister.  We started off with evening mass...yes, we all went to church and it was pretty special.  The decoration, the music, the spirituality-  It was almost more than I could handle emotionally.  We spent the night in NYC after a lovely meal and with great company.  After a relaxing morning, we headed up north to my father and Anne's for a low key Christmas dinner.  Anne's parents were up from Florida and  a couple of their friends joined us as well.  I didn't take many Christmas photos but Anne sent me this one of the four of us.

Christmas Day Smiles.

Christmas was followed up by a huge snowstorm that just about shut down the east coast. We slept in that morning and realized we better hurry if we wanted to get a ride in before the trails were all gone...The traction was perfect and G and I had a great ride in the woods that day.

Stopping for a rest and a photo opportunity. 

The following day after the storm,  my guy frantically shoveled the car out so I could make it to my radiation treatment (we don't want to miss any). That afternoon we met up with some friends for some sledding up at Rockwood- this has and always will be a prime place to go sledding because the hill is so steep and  the view of the Hudson is fantastic.  I was pretty tired from treatment and feeling a little fragile, so I opted to watch. G and I walked around amidst the sledders while the wind howled and tried to blow us off the hill.  The wind was so strong that day that it almost blew all the snow off the top of the hill.

G posing at the top of the hill. 

Seeking shelter under a tree.

The new year is almost here and of course the end of my radiation treatment is coming to an end.  I was hoping to be finished by December 31st, but it turns out I have one more left on Monday.  But that is ok, as I have to see Dr M anyway for a follow up.

Like many people, the end of the year is a time when we look back and reflect on where we have been.  I started to remember back to last New Years and how I had no clue what would lie ahead for me.  G moved in last February and shortly after that ( not even two months later) I was diagnosed with cancer.  Frankly, that is as far as I went with this "looking back" on the year crap. So much of the last year  is still very dark for me to think about.  I can only look forward from here.

As you can imagine, I am anxious to start a new year.  While much of the effects of my treatments will linger,  G continues to remind me that I have come a long way since May.  I continue to try and stay in the moment, but there is some level of anticipation of what this new year will bring.  All I really wish for is to be healthy and cancer free. A pretty simple wish for most people, as we take for granted our health- but this year that is all I hope for.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for what might happen in 2011!

The final countdown.

It is the final countdown of my radiation treatments.   I have 5...yes only 5 more radiation treatments left.  I am exhausted but surprisingly finding the energy to get a lot done in a day.  It must be the excitement that this huge part of my treatment is almost over.  I might be over doing it a bit since I passed out on the couch last night before 9 pm.

The treatments are going as planned.  About two weeks ago, my skin started to develop an itchy rash on my sternum and my collarbone.  This is to be expected and Dr. M. does not seem to be too concerned.  If my skin starts to bubble and peel, than we up the medicine to something stronger but for now, I will keep using this steroid cream and Biafine.  It seems to be doing the trick and my skin remains status quo.   I was advised that the skin could get worse after I stop treatments.  I guess the effects of the radiation keep going and then the skin begins to heal.

Like most, this has been a hectic month.  I have had all my routine Doctor appointments and then some.   I have been able to work more now that I am feeling better but I still get tired quickly.  We have been more social with holiday parties and G had a birthday last week.

It was too cold for a ride so we went for a hike instead.  

We went out to eat at the Red Hat - Make a wish G!

Even thought we did not ride on G's birthday, we did manage to get some really great riding in last weekend.  Saturday we ventured up the OCA  for a two hour pedal.  Always good for my endurance training.  Sunday was a surprisingly balmy 35 degrees and after a great nights rest and relaxing morning, we headed to Graham Hills.  I felt steady for the first time in a while and G and I had a great time in the woods.

Christmas is days away and I almost finished my holiday baking and trying to tie up some loose ends for the big day.  We plan to spend Christmas Eve and morning with G's family in the city and then Christmas afternoon at my fathers.  It took me a while to get into any sort of holiday spirit but baking my traditional and not so traditional holiday goodies helped.

Oatmeal Cranberry cookies- my new favorite. 

Mini Zucchini Breads- apparently they are delicious 

I had good intentions of getting holiday cards out....sorry in advance, but it didn't happen.  I am grateful to have so much love in my life.  Thank you to all of my family and friends who have helped me during a very difficult time in my life. Especially to my guy for all you have done for me this year.  It has not been easy and I'm sure at times I have not been easy to deal with.  I could not have done this with out you. 

So, the final countdown of this phase of treatment and 2010 is near.  Merry Christmas to you and your families and here is to a healthy and peaceful new year!

Halfway and cold days.

Winter has hit NY pretty hard.  We have been enjoying a mild fall until this past weekend.  It got cold really quick.  While most people flee for the indoors, we sought shelter in the woods.  My guy has been a big motivator to get me back out there riding.  Not only did he build me a new plush bike to ride ( yes, my guy is awesome) but he is always enthusiastic about riding our bikes and encouraging  me.  As much as I love riding my bike more than anything, I came to a harsh realization-I am at the bottom of my game.  I even took a moment on Saturday and said, out loud - I think I will quit mountain biking....It's just too hard.  I expect to be out of shape but I feel like I am so far behind where I was last April that it will be impossible to ever have that same connection to my bike.  Maybe there is some truth to that. 

Sunday was the colder of the two days and even though "I quit mountain biking" the day prior, my guy and two of our dear friends convinced me otherwise. That morning, I sat in G's car while we waited for our friends to arrive.  The heat was pumping out of the vents and the seat warmers were roasting my butt and I thought, how did I used to do this?  I actually used to ride in colder weather than that and even snow!   


This was taken last year on New Years Eve day. I don't remember if I was cold but look at those smiles. 

There was no snow on Sunday but I was bundled up and feeling the chill.  While I am still off my game and still out of shape, I managed to have a great time in the woods.  Isn't that what it is really about anyway?

Vortex update:

I have passed the halfway point of my radiation treatments.  I have completed 17 out of 33 treatments and so far, it has been pretty uneventful.  The daily routine is getting old but I just keep reminding myself that this will not last forever.  My skin is turning the perfect "pink" and while it is tender, it is holding up strong.

My three weeks were up and I had my Herceptin treatment yesterday.  For the first time in months I did not have much to complain to Dr. W about. I'm sure she was happy about that.

It is hard to believe all the crap I have had to go through the past 9 months. It is a very long treatment process to which oddly, I am very grateful for.  Without these treatments.....well, we don't need to discuss that.

I think it is time.

Although this has not been done intentionally- I have been holding onto my hair.  Yes my hair that I was and still am planning on sending into Locks of Love. I didn't really mean to hold onto it this long, really I did not.  

If you recall back in July, I took control of the inevitable. My chemo induced hair loss.  I cut it short and saved the ponytail to send into Locks of Love.  Two weeks later in August, I had my second treatment and my hair started falling out rapidly so I went for the buzz cut.   Things seemed a bit manic those days and I usually felt horrible on the days following treatment so after I had come back from the salon with my ponytail, I just put it in a zip lock bag and set it on a shelf.  While I was reorganizing things  a month or so ago, I stumbled upon it.  I thought about not opening the bag but I couldn't resist.  There is was.  My beautiful ponytail.  I ran my fingers through it, held it up to the light to see the beautiful colors and thought- Oh how I miss this hair.  Wait, this is so weird.  I have to mail this right away.  I scratched my bald head, thought about my beautiful hair and put it back in the envelope ready to mail but left it unsealed.  Life got busy and than I forgot again....damn it.  Is it chemo brain or can I just not let go of this ponytail?

Do you know how much i loved my long hair? I did. If I were to be vain about myself physically, one of the two things would have been my long hair.

Over the past month my hair has started to grow back pretty quickly.  I wish my eyebrows and eyelashes would come back quicker but all in due time. 

See...it's growing!

I think it is time to let go and allow for "new growth".  During this whole cancer process, somethings have been harder than others to let go of.  I thought I would be thicker skinned with the hair loss but frankly, I'm over being bald or worrying about covering up my head in public.  At least it is wool hat season!
 

The envelope is sealed and ready to go.