My account of life both on and off of two wheels...... "At least I'm enjoying the ride"

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Who is that girl?

Life seems so strange these days. I really am having a hard time connecting to this girl “Reba”. Who is she and oh, what a bummer…she has Cancer! It is like an outer body experience for sure. Some might read this and think…she has lost her mind and others might read this and are able to relate in some shape or form. I have not gone crazy, just trying to figure out how to handle all the emotions while circling through this vortex. I started this blog to have the chance to keep all that cared to in the loop during my journey and to document my experience so it may help others. I realize if I sensor it too much, the journey is not real and that won’t help me in my process or others who may be relating to my story. So, my promise to me and others is no B.S... Cancer has totally ripped my world in a million pieces. I just hope I can keep the strength and courage to get through this crap (it is a bunch of crap) with a little grace and dignity.

I spent yesterday recovering from all the stimulation of the weekend events. Had so much trouble focusing on simple tasks and was exhausted. Not to mention the pains in my chest. This is just getting old. I want my body back! Patience, yes well, I’m working on that but some days it is so frustrating.

I attended the Relay for Life on Friday. It was really great to see some friends and see all the families there to support people affected by cancer. Totally weird feeling to be there and to see my name written recognizing my fight against this disease. Reba who? I walked a couple laps with my friends…slowly of course and prayed for others who struggle daily or have lost their fight. I have too many people on that list. I had high hopes to attend a party Saturday night but after an evening out, I used my better judgment and stayed in and rested a majority of the day.

Sunday was the 15th annual Fat Tire Festival. This is a mountain bike festival that is put on by the club I am involved with. Westchester Mountain Bike Association this festival has a lot of meaning for me. It represents my chosen life style of the “church of the two wheels”. When I moved back east from California, I was lost in so many ways but I knew if I could just find a way to ride my bike, all would be good. 3 years ago, I attended my first WMBA Fat Tire Festival. I attended alone in hopes to find people to ride with. I had no idea that that making that choice to attend that festival 3 years ago would bring so many gifts to my life today. That day was the beginning of so many new and amazing friendships for me and opened the door to lot of fantastic opportunities in the cycling community. My goal post surgery was to attend this festival. Not ride of course but show up, enjoy the energy and see the smiles of many that share this passion or have just found a new love for riding those “fat tires”. The festival was booming when I arrived on the scene. I was so nervous, why? Will they notice that I am week and tired and not to mention the change in my body. The response from my friends (and others I hardly know) was wonderful. I received so many hugs and smiles that day. It felt so good; accept for the really big hugs. “Gentle hugs” is a term we breast cancer survivors use often. I totally get it now. Ouch! I noticed a bunch of people wearing pink ribbons…this is not a normal thing for the festival. Then I hear over the speakers the announcements for the group ride departures and what booths to check out. I hear that girls name again. “Check out the bake sale table and support our friend Reba as she kicks cancers butt.” Oh my… I think that girl is me. I didn’t know what to say or do at that point. I still don’t but I will say a huge Thank You to all of you.

I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for the generosity of others. I keep wondering what I have done to deserve all this love and support from my friends, family and people I hardly know. Everyday no matter how gray or sunny it is, there is at least one reminder and sometimes many reminders that there are good people in my world. Whether it is in the form of a card, an email, a box left at my front door, a simple phone/text message or a sweet kiss from my all has helped me get through these days.


  1. To my Wonder Woman:
    You are making it through this with lots of grace and dignity- you are doing great!
    You set this goal of making it to the Festival and you did it- What is the next goal?

  2. I am doing my best. <3
    Next goal? Ride my bike at least once before I start treatments. Road or Dirt, not too picky.

  3. Rebecca,

    Your blog is really touching and beautiful to read. Grace and Dignity may not always look or express itself the way you "think" it should... in those moments be sure to remember you've got both, in spades!

    I think it's so great you are putting your thoughts and feelings out here this way. You are very brave to be so transparent, and are creating space for healing, for yourself and anyone who reads it!

    My doggies and I are rooting for you :)

    All the Best, Verena

  4. Verena, Thank you for your really great message and for reading my blog! Hope you are well. R