I have been debating on whether or not I would even share this. Mostly it is because I do not want to give it any energy. I recently wrote about how I hoped to be writing about my cycling, training and how great it is going-but that is not the case today. The cycling is, well…going. Not great, but I am riding. I have been struggling more than I have been willing to admit and it started before my most recent cold. It is not coming together fast enough for me- and I am also facing a scan which potentially could bring some scary news.
I can’t seem to shake this cancer vortex. These days I am only going to the doctor for my regular follow ups. At the beginning of the month, I had my 4 month post surgery follow up with my plastic surgeon- just the normal routine follow up. I have been complaining of a painful area on my left side (where my tumor was) under my arm and down my torso. We had been waiting for the swelling to come down from my surgery - we had been just watching it to see if the swelling was going down. During my recent appointment we discussed many things. Some of which were the lack of symmetry of my new breasts; which one I actually like better; nipple tattoos and of course this painful hard mass of scar tissue under my arm. It is clear that I am no longer swollen from surgery so she suggested a visit to my breast surgeon to have a look at what she believes is just scar tissue and radiation damage.
Like a good patient, I met with my breast surgeon 10 days later and she agreed that this mass is most likely scar tissue. She is suggesting that I start physical therapy again to see if the therapist can work out this mass with some deep massage. This is not a soothing or relaxing type massage- I am not looking forward to this. I am just hoping it can release some of the pressure I feel in my side-it is so tight. I wish the story ended there but it does not. While she was showing me how to massage the scarred area, she said she wanted me to have an ultra sound of the area. She truly believes it is scar tissue but there is an area closest to the original tumor site that is much harder than the rest of the ‘scar tissue’ area. This could just be from the radiation damage but since the cancer I had was so aggressive, she cannot risk ignoring it. She also wants them to scan closely my right under arm because during my exam, she found a swollen lymph node. She had me feel it and sure enough it was. It could be nothing but my body reacting to my most recent cold but it is still there today and my cold is gone.
I really do not want to start this process but it looks like I have no choice. So, back in the vortex I go. My ultra sound appointment is March 6. It is so hard to not think about the ‘what if’ and stay in the moment, but I am trying my best though.
So for those of you that think that it is over; it will never be really ‘over’ until they find a cure for cancer.
My tests will be benign and it will be nothing but a big fat waste of time. I cannot think of any other possibility.
Thank you for reading and for sending any extra good vibes.