Have I lost my edge?

I am starting to believe that I might just like training more than I like racing or maybe I just enjoy riding my bike without all the pressure of a good performance?  I am sure it is a combination of all of the above but something feels different for me this year.  I am having a hard time getting in the ‘game’.  I know a lot of you are thinking “give yourself a break considering all that you have been through this past year”.  I hear that and I understand that but have I lost my edge?  Will it come back?  I keep wondering when I’ll get my speed back and when will I feel like I can get out in front again.  

I have not done any races since the Bearscat50 and maybe that was a mistake.  Hindsight, I probably could have used the extra intensity that racing gives me.  But after some thought, I decided I didn’t want to forfeit my Saturday rides to race on Sundays.   It seemed more important to me to just ride.  This past Sunday, G and I headed up to Stewart to pre-ride the Darkhorse 40 race course.  We knew it would be marked, so we decided to invite our good friends along.  They had never ridden there and since the course was marked, we would not get us all lost. They do not race but love riding new trails.  They are also a lot of fun to be with.  While riding, Kim and I had a conversation about how great it is to just be out riding and how the racing will come back.  Her conclusion was - This year is just all about enjoying the ride and next year will be my season to go big again.   She is probably right about that.  I am truly still recovering from the years events.  I wish the only thing that I had to do these days was focus on my fitness but the reality is, I am still trying to pick up the other pieces of my life that got shattered because of cancer. 

The Darkhorse 40 is this Sunday.  As I mentioned, I will be racing it on my single speed.  I have been riding the SS almost exclusively since it was built up last month.  It is probably the most comfortable fitting bike that I have for this type of race course.  But feel free to ask me again at the end of a 40 mile race…..I know that I am ready for the distance of the race but it is a much faster course then the Bearscat50 was.  It it is all going to depend on how I feel that morning.  I have to get my Herceptin treatment this Thursday so there is just no telling how the days following will go.  

So it is off to the races we go- Wish me luck!

S.M.