Courage Angel.

At some point during my cancer treatments, my cousin and his wife sent me this thoughtful Willow Tree Courage angel.  I put it right next to my bedside and it has remained there ever since.  

The other night, as I was getting ready for bed, the angel caught my eye in a different light.  

For the first time, I took notice that she has no boobs!  Her arms are up over her head and her chest is sticking out but there are no breasts.  She is still radiating confidence and courage.  I saw myself in this angel that evening.  It made me feel proud, strong and empowered.

While I do not feel that way about myself every moment of every day, that angel will be a reminder to me to hold my head up high and stick my ‘chest” out even when I feel scared or I am being kicked down. 

I have been very over extended the past month or so.  Like many of us, I feel like there is never enough time in a day.   I have gotten myself involved with so many different projects and organizations this year that I am having difficulty keeping up on my writing.  The times that I would normally find to write have been taken up by other necessary tasks or just pure exhaustion from the day.  

The exhaustion could be from me trying to fit too much in a day; difficulty sleeping ; more exercise or it could all be from the new drug that the doctors have put me on.   

I am still on Tamoxifen but now they have put me on a monthly injection of Lupron.  This will go on for the next 6 months and it is an attempt to shrink the fibroids that have grown out of control.  Our wait and see approach is no longer going to work.  While not an emergency, it was time to take action as these benign tumors are causing abdominal pain and discomfort.   If this treatment is successful, it will give me less invasive surgical options.  Once again, none of these options are “good” ones, just options.  Ironically, this rapid growth is caused by the Tamoxifen but no one is going to endorse me going off that medicine.  Frankly, I am not sure I can stop taking a drug that is prolonging my state of remission.  It is just another pain in the ass side effect of my treatments for breast cancer.    

I have taken a break from physical therapy for my lymphedema.  While I still have some swelling under and around my elbow, it seems to be under control and I have been given new techniques to manage it. Based on the last measurements of my arm, the swelling has come down enough for me to self treat.

   

None of this has stopped me from training on my bike or in the Pilates studio.  I have not been in the studio as much as I would like but I did attend another workshop last Sunday and those always help to boost my motivation to pick back up on my teaching hours and personal hours. I have been back on the bike feeling stronger every day.  I am trying to get some longer rides in but that has been so hard with the nasty weather and lack of time.  I have faith that it will all come together.  Either way, it will be what it will be.  

Spring is just around the corner and ready or not, my first bike race is next month!   I will keep moving forward no matter what falls in my path.  

When I am feeling beat up, I can just remind myself that Courage Angel is in all of us, somewhere.  

S.M. 

An exceptionally beautiful day last weekend. 

Recovery Mode.

The surgery went as planned and while I was quite groggy, I was sent home that very afternoon. 

   

I had both implants removed, extra skin was cut out and I was sewn shut, laterally.  The stitches run about 4 inches across and maybe a little longer on the left side.  The left side is a bit more indented as well but not as bad as I thought it might be.   The radiation damage is quite evident.  I had two drainage tubes placed, one on each side.  The tubes came out 4 days later because it seemed to not be draining enough to require them to stay in over the holidays. 

We are still waiting on the final pathology report and with the holidays, it is more delayed than usual.

I have been feeling really well and have hardly required any pain medication after the first day or so.   I had a couple rough mental days but a lot had to do with the effects of the anesthesia.  That stuff messes with my head.  I have really just been more tired than anything. 

Of course with my luck, my left side with all the radiation damage has decided to start building up fluid. This is common and usually the body can absorb it but in this case, it had to be drained this past Thursday.  I am now required to wear a compression binder wrapped around my torso.  It is quite uncomfortable and I must wear it day and night until I see the doctor again on January 2.  The fluid seems to be returning again despite the compression.  I just hope my body figures out how to disperse this extra fluid on its own.    It is not necessarily dangerous.  It is just really annoying and could cause me a longer recovery period with repetitive trips to the doctor to have it aspirated. 

   

So far, the new ‘look’ has not bothered me very much.   I have not had many opportunities to figure out my wardrobe since I have not been going out that much.  The new compression binder is not helping to work this out and is making things more awkward if anything.

 

The truth is, I feel the most pure that I have felt since this whole process started back in 2010.  It is my body and only my body that I feel when I rest my hands over my chest.  I can feel my heart beat again. The only thing left behind is the reminisce of what cancer did to my body- The scars that will forever tell the story.  The look is quite dramatic but it is all me.

Christmas was quiet and uneventful.  It is a strange time of year to be stuck in surgical recovery mode.  People are busy with their holiday plans and parties so there is a sense of isolation or loneliness.  I have mostly missed being able to ride my bike.  It seems sort of unnatural for me to end 2012 without being able to get a good pedal in.  Even when I was in treatments, I still was able to ride.  

I have to hold onto the good memories of the entire year and not reflect too much on the past two months.  

It will be 2013 before I know it and I will be back in the Pilates studio and back on the bike. 

Here is to a healthy and happy 2013 for all!