Race or Ride?

After quite a bit of back and forth in my head, I decided to go for it.  I renewed my license and entered in with the Cat 1 women this past Sunday at the Chain Stretcher.  It was a pretty humbling experience and I have a hard time not being slightly mortified by my results. 

I lined up with some of the strongest women bike racers that I know.  I have been watching them get stronger every year and I knew I was going to get my butt whooped out there.   I kept telling myself that it did not matter.  Just to finish and feel good.  But it does kind of matter.  

We headed into the woods and at the first technical section; they were all bottled up on the rocks.  I was in the back of the pack which caused me to have to get off my bike.  When I was able to get back on my bike, I could see them disappear into the woods.  I caught a glimpse of a couple of the racers in the first bit of single track but thought I better not chase them down and burn all my matches.  In hindsight, that was probably not the best plan.  I spent the rest of the race or should I say ride, solo. My pace was not what I would call a race pace.  I knew I was really slow when the pro and cat 1 men started to pass me on my 2nd lap while they were finishing their 3^rd lap.  As I finished my 2nd lap, I knew I had to keep going just to get it done.   

It was at least a beautiful day to ride and the course was a lot of fun.  I tried to enjoy just being out there and I did.  

I have told people that I am ridiculously slow right now but realized just how slow I really am.  The results say it all.   I finished in last place and quite a ways behind the rest of the women.   Yes, I finished and did not give up but I do not remember really feeling like I had the ability to push myself harder to go faster.   I felt strong but I still have a lot of work to do to get back up to speed.  Sigh…

Although it may sound like it, I am not really down on myself.  I put myself back out there.  I do realize that while everyone has been getting stronger over the past 3 years, I have been getting the crap kicked out of me health wise.   Being a good mountain bike racer does not just happen overnight.  During the line up for the start of the race, I realized that I have only been back on the bike for a little over two months since my surgery in December. That is certainly not enough time for me to prep for good race results.   It is only April after all! 

Will I keep racing?  Hell yes! 

This Sunday is Single Speed- A – Palooza and I am registered with a good size field of sport class women. I will show up and do my best.  Maybe I won’t come in last place this time and if I do, that is okay.  It is always a fun event and a great scene so I am looking forward to it.  The course is usually fast so I will see if I can ramp it up a bit this Sunday. 

S.M. 

I looked the part...

Courage Angel.

At some point during my cancer treatments, my cousin and his wife sent me this thoughtful Willow Tree Courage angel.  I put it right next to my bedside and it has remained there ever since.  

The other night, as I was getting ready for bed, the angel caught my eye in a different light.  

For the first time, I took notice that she has no boobs!  Her arms are up over her head and her chest is sticking out but there are no breasts.  She is still radiating confidence and courage.  I saw myself in this angel that evening.  It made me feel proud, strong and empowered.

While I do not feel that way about myself every moment of every day, that angel will be a reminder to me to hold my head up high and stick my ‘chest” out even when I feel scared or I am being kicked down. 

I have been very over extended the past month or so.  Like many of us, I feel like there is never enough time in a day.   I have gotten myself involved with so many different projects and organizations this year that I am having difficulty keeping up on my writing.  The times that I would normally find to write have been taken up by other necessary tasks or just pure exhaustion from the day.  

The exhaustion could be from me trying to fit too much in a day; difficulty sleeping ; more exercise or it could all be from the new drug that the doctors have put me on.   

I am still on Tamoxifen but now they have put me on a monthly injection of Lupron.  This will go on for the next 6 months and it is an attempt to shrink the fibroids that have grown out of control.  Our wait and see approach is no longer going to work.  While not an emergency, it was time to take action as these benign tumors are causing abdominal pain and discomfort.   If this treatment is successful, it will give me less invasive surgical options.  Once again, none of these options are “good” ones, just options.  Ironically, this rapid growth is caused by the Tamoxifen but no one is going to endorse me going off that medicine.  Frankly, I am not sure I can stop taking a drug that is prolonging my state of remission.  It is just another pain in the ass side effect of my treatments for breast cancer.    

I have taken a break from physical therapy for my lymphedema.  While I still have some swelling under and around my elbow, it seems to be under control and I have been given new techniques to manage it. Based on the last measurements of my arm, the swelling has come down enough for me to self treat.

   

None of this has stopped me from training on my bike or in the Pilates studio.  I have not been in the studio as much as I would like but I did attend another workshop last Sunday and those always help to boost my motivation to pick back up on my teaching hours and personal hours. I have been back on the bike feeling stronger every day.  I am trying to get some longer rides in but that has been so hard with the nasty weather and lack of time.  I have faith that it will all come together.  Either way, it will be what it will be.  

Spring is just around the corner and ready or not, my first bike race is next month!   I will keep moving forward no matter what falls in my path.  

When I am feeling beat up, I can just remind myself that Courage Angel is in all of us, somewhere.  

S.M. 

An exceptionally beautiful day last weekend. 

Healthy Distractions.

This past weekend was filled with a lot of healthy distractions.

Saturday morning started off with a new juice recipe for me.

1 large handful of Romaine
1 large handful of Kale
1 large bunch of wheat grass ( was around a shot once juiced)
1 large cucumber
1 1/2 green apples
4 stalks of celery

It made about 32 oz of juice so I shared with G.  This is probably my new favorite.

The Kale and Wheat Grass really made this one green! 

It was raining most of the morning so G and I decided to go for a long hike in the woods.  The trails would have been a mess to ride on.  By the time we got to the trails the rain had stopped, the temperature started to rise and the sun eventually worked itself out to reveal a beautiful 60 degree day!

I love a good walk through the woods.  I get to take in a lot more than when I am rolling on my bike.  It allows for great conversation and a chance to work different muscle groups in my legs.

Heading to the top of Spitzenberg@ Blue Mountain Reservation.  

View on top of the Blue Mountain Summit.  This is on the other side of the park and the sun was shining bright.  

Stopping for a minute to catch a view of the stream over in Depew Park

G- taking some photos of the stream 

Sunday, we were invited to join the Campmor Team on their training road ride.  Knowing this was going to kick my butt- I still humbly accepted the invitation.  I have been wanting to ride with these friends for a while now but the timing had just not worked until now.

The plan was a hilly 55 miles and that is exactly what we did + 1 extra mile for good measure.  I do not know the final stats of how many feet of climbing we did but I know it was a lot!  This ride took us from Tuxedo, NY into the back side of Harriman State Park which is one of the most beautiful parks in our area.  There were some pretty wicked climbs but most of them rolling or steady.  After a massive climb from the bottom of Bear Mountain to the top of Perkins Drive, we headed back the same way we came through the park.

This was exactly what I needed.  A really awesome road ride with more climbing than I have done all winter.  Basically a good ass kicking!  I had to push myself pretty hard but overall- I felt like I did alright.  I was not the fasted by any means and was usually in the back of the pack, but I tried to just stay steady.  As my friend RR would say, "it is money in the bank woman!".

Thank you Team Campmor friends for the great tour and for letting us tag along- you guys rock!

Smiles all day- even on the climbs!

For those of you that have sent me some extra love and positive energy over this past week- thank you.  You do not know how much that means to me.  It has helped me a lot to share this with all of you.  It took a lot of the fear out of it for me.

I will keep you posted on this weeks results.

S.M. 

Is it spring?

It is hard to believe that January is over. There is not a spec of snow on the ground and the lakes and ponds are far from frozen.  We had a snow storm 10 days ago but with the assistance of above average temperatures and a little rain, it is all gone!   The temperatures have been in the 40's and today was in the high 50's! This is a dream for most cyclists in the north east.  Especially in the middle of winter when the temperatures are typically in the teens and 20's with a foot of snow on the ground.

With my first race less than 3 months away, I would have been out there getting in some base miles regardless of the temperatures.  But it was so nice to not be freezing my butt off while getting salt from the roads kicked up in my face.  This past weekend I even felt great on the bike- very connected.  Dare I say it?  It is all coming together again!   

Heading home after a 50 mile road ride. 

Sunday in the woods- great day with friends!

I have another Pilates workshop this weekend.  This one is 20 hours long so that pretty much wipes out my weekend for riding.  The flip side is, the Pilates is helping to make me stronger and I am really enjoying my studies. I have partnered up with another student so I am getting even more time in the studio to practice all I have learned thus far.  It is really helping to keep me motivated and get me on track. The completion of my certification seems a long ways away but every hour counts towards the 500 hour requirement!

So, it is not spring yet but I do hope February is as kind to us as January was!

S.M.

Getting back on track.

I have quite a bit of filler I could use to bring you up to date on the past few weeks but I won't bother with every detail.  For the most part, things having been getting better. Just hectic since after Thanksgiving so not much time to write.  Here are some highlights from the weekend in Maine.  

After a very rainy drive, we woke up Thanksgiving morning to this beautiful snowy day. 

Great walk before the feast.

All cleaned up  and ready for dinner. 

At my sisters house with my nephews.  I think D was excited for his Star Wars Legos we brought him.  

J is getting so big!  

Cuddled up with my beautiful sister ♥  It was cold up in Maine!

The most important thing that I can report is I am finally getting back on track.  I am some what superstitious so tend to be hesitant to write these sorts of statements, but I am feeling good.  Some of it must be the further out I get from my last surgery and some of it is me finally jumping off the 'pity pot' and just doing what I know I need to do.  

My new boobs don't quite feel like mine yet.  They feel like more of an accessory most days.  It is not that I have much of a choice right now but I am giving them a chance.  I can't just take them off when they don't feel right. Clothes are fitting better, I am sleeping better and I feel a bit more comfortable on the bike.  My plastic surgeon is pleased with my results and she thinks my healing has finally turned a corner.  She is already discussing the next phase - nipple reconstruction and revisions.  Yes, revisions.  A couple things are just not quite as she would like them.  "I would not want to do anything until at least January" she said on my most recent follow up.  My response was "January 2013 is more of what I had in mind!”. There is no way I can mentally handle another surgery right now or in the near future.  I need to change my focus onto something else. 

I have a heavy but exciting race schedule ahead for next season and it will start in mid April.  I better get my butt in gear.  I have been back in the woods riding when I can to get more comfortable on the bike again.  I also decided to hell with my indoor trainer-it is lonely and boring!   I know, some of you don’t believe in this form of training but I am taking spin classes again.   I enjoy being outdoors so much more but some mornings it is just too damn cold or I do not have enough time.  I push myself more in these classes than I do at home on the trainer by myself.  There are a couple good instructors I know and they teach great classes so I decided to sign up.  It actually may help me focus on finding my speed again.  I know it is too early to really start working on speed for next season but honestly, I have gotten slower than a turtle since my treatments began 20 month ago.

I have been feeling a bit off balance and dizzy for a quite a while now.  I keep telling myself it will go away or get better.  It has not gotten better but it does not seem to have gotten any worse. There is an unwritten rule or saying in the cancer vortex – wait two weeks and in some cases wait a little longer- it may just go away on its own.  I never said anything to my oncologist during my visit back in September but I just had my 3 month follow up last week and thought I should let her know.  There is always that part of me that never wants to say anything because then I may end up with more scans or tests.  What if a scan reveals  something serious like the cancer has returned in my brain?!   Do I really want to know that? That may seem quite extreme to some of you but that is my reality.  It can happen.  I can’t just be clumsy, off my game or have headaches without the fear of recurrence setting in.  Then there is my intellectual side that reminds me that I have to be an advocate for my own health and my doctor only scans on symptoms.  If I don’t say anything, how will she know what is going on.  So, I put it down on the check-list of symptoms.  Of course she asked me about it.  I guess she actually reads that list.  This is a two page check list of symptoms that all patients fill out before the appointment.  98% of my answers were no!  She didn’t seem overly concerned about the dizziness but she did suggest an MRI of my brain just to see what is going on.   I had a CT brain scan this past summer but an MRI is a better scan.  Now that I do not have metal inside me, it is an option.  No radiation involved in an MRI but it is nerve racking non the less.  I managed to talk my way out of it this time and promised if it gets worse, I will call her for the MRI script.  If no changes or it lessons, I will not have to see her until April again for another routine follow up.  We can revisit it then.  Her thoughts on the dizziness was more to due with residual damage from the chemotherapy drug.  Specifically the Taxol.  She mentioned neuropathy as a possible cause and that it could affect the brain.  I had and still have obvious signs of neuropathy in my feet but never really thought about it in my brain.  G was along for this follow up and he asked her if this would get better with time? Her response was- sometimes yes but most of the time if it presents itself, it is a long term side effect.  We were both unimpressed with that answer.  I guess this is what they mean when they say "chemo, the gift that keeps on giving".  Her suggestion was to be careful with running, biking, climbing ladders or anything that I could lose my balance.  Well that is going to be difficult.  I am hoping that the dizziness just goes away. 

Speaking of balance, I am excited to report that I am continuing on with my Pilates certification and had another intense workshop last weekend.  It was so much material and a very advanced class but it felt great to challenge myself again both mentally and physically.  I can’t believe how much of my core strength I have lost in 2 months!  

I do not know who really reads my blog unless they comment on it but every once and a while I get a gentle nudge from a reader or friend who asks why I have not written in a while.  Thank you all for your concerns.   I am getting back on track; back on my bike; back to my daily routine and in turn getting back to feeling more like myself- whatever that is these days. 

Back in the woods. 

I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday season. 

S.M.

Have I lost my edge?

I am starting to believe that I might just like training more than I like racing or maybe I just enjoy riding my bike without all the pressure of a good performance?  I am sure it is a combination of all of the above but something feels different for me this year.  I am having a hard time getting in the ‘game’.  I know a lot of you are thinking “give yourself a break considering all that you have been through this past year”.  I hear that and I understand that but have I lost my edge?  Will it come back?  I keep wondering when I’ll get my speed back and when will I feel like I can get out in front again.  

I have not done any races since the Bearscat50 and maybe that was a mistake.  Hindsight, I probably could have used the extra intensity that racing gives me.  But after some thought, I decided I didn’t want to forfeit my Saturday rides to race on Sundays.   It seemed more important to me to just ride.  This past Sunday, G and I headed up to Stewart to pre-ride the Darkhorse 40 race course.  We knew it would be marked, so we decided to invite our good friends along.  They had never ridden there and since the course was marked, we would not get us all lost. They do not race but love riding new trails.  They are also a lot of fun to be with.  While riding, Kim and I had a conversation about how great it is to just be out riding and how the racing will come back.  Her conclusion was - This year is just all about enjoying the ride and next year will be my season to go big again.   She is probably right about that.  I am truly still recovering from the years events.  I wish the only thing that I had to do these days was focus on my fitness but the reality is, I am still trying to pick up the other pieces of my life that got shattered because of cancer. 

The Darkhorse 40 is this Sunday.  As I mentioned, I will be racing it on my single speed.  I have been riding the SS almost exclusively since it was built up last month.  It is probably the most comfortable fitting bike that I have for this type of race course.  But feel free to ask me again at the end of a 40 mile race…..I know that I am ready for the distance of the race but it is a much faster course then the Bearscat50 was.  It it is all going to depend on how I feel that morning.  I have to get my Herceptin treatment this Thursday so there is just no telling how the days following will go.  

So it is off to the races we go- Wish me luck!

S.M.

Recovery and Updates.

The past couple of weeks since the Bearscat  has been all about rest and recovery for me.  I still rode a little but not with any real intensity.  I had  caught a nasty head cold the week following the race, so I tried to take it easy and honor my body.  I have made my body work extra hard this year and I owed it a little break. 

Feeling well rested, the break is over and I am back to training with some focus on my speed.   This was the least important thing for me during the past 5 months.  I have put the base miles in my legs so now it’s time to ramp things up a bit. 

During this recovery period, our local mountain bike club- WMBA- had their annual Fat Tire Festival at Blue Mountain Reservation in Peekskill, NY. I look forward to this event every year.  I was unable to ride last year, as I was only 2 weeks post op and could hardly move. So this years attendance meant a lot more to me than normal.   

I had volunteered to lead the woman's ride again.  My friends Helen and Kim helped as we took 12 women into the woods.  For some, this was their first time on real single track and rocks were not something they considered 'rolling'.

Just look up and don't hit the brakes! 

And away she goes....

Helen took some photos, while Kim and I stood at the base of this rock shouting out encouragement to the beginner rider.   I'm so glad that Helen caught this moment because that is what leading that ride is all about for me:  Giving at least one woman the confidence on her bike that she may not have gotten on her own.  She did her first rock roll down and I was so proud of her.  When I saw her later on that day at the festival, she was still smiling. 

 

 

YES, she did it! 

We were all smiles that day at the festival.

What a great day!  ♥

I am feeling pretty good these days.  I have been hearing from a lot of people comments like, “you look so great”, “wow, you would never have known...”.   While all those complements feel great, I have to remind people that it was a lot of work to get my physical self back together.  The hair was going to grow, that was a given but the extra chemo weight and building up my strength again was all me.  I had a lot of help and motivation from G and I still can’t say enough good things about the pilates program through Body Wise Connection: what Joy has done for me has been really tremendous.  Now if I could just have the emotional healing catch up to the physical healing…..

It seems all my 3 month doctor follow ups hit at the same time.  It started with a follow up appointment with my breast surgeon.  I am happy to say I have nothing to report there. All looks good- phew.  The following week I had my routine Echocardiogram and according to the tech “you have a beautiful heart”.  Aw, shucks! But seriously, this is a very good thing to hear.  The Adriamicyn (the red devil chemo drug) and the Herceptin both have a very high cardiac toxicity so hearing those words is a relief.  It also means I was clear for my Herceptin treatment last week.   I did not have to see my oncologist so I was in and out of the chemo suite as fast as they could move me.  The next follow up was last Friday with my plastic surgeon.  All looks good there as well.  We spoke mostly about the next steps in the breast reconstruction process- no, I am not done!  We discussed what the procedure would be like to exchange my tissue expanders with the silicone implants. She even let me hold some sample implants to see what they feel like.  They are so much softer than what I have now and I can’t wait!  Well actually, I can wait.  I am choosing to wait until October to have my exchange surgery for two main reasons.  First, it is summer and I do not want to be off the bike again.  I lost last summer because of surgery and chemo and I am not willing to give that up on purpose.  Second, the longer my skin has to heal from radiation, the better chance I will have for a successful surgery.  There is always a 50% chance that the new implant will not work out for me because of the radiation.  I knew this but it is still a tough statistic to swallow.  I am just keeping positive and I will continue to take this whole process one step at a time. 

In the meantime, I plan on continuing to enjoy my summer. 

S.M.

The “Wait and See” approach.

I had my follow up appointment with my OBGYN regarding my suspect radiology report.  It was pretty non-eventful as all we did was go over the report together.  This was helpful because I really did not know what it all meant and using ‘Dr Google’ is not always the best way to find your answers.    Bottom line is I have a fibroid or two : one is pretty large.  I also have a couple ovarian cysts.  This is all very common and usually benign findings for women in their 30’s.   But of course- with my history I will be carefully watched and monitored.  After discussing it all, we collectively decided to push back the follow up ultrasound three months and take the “wait and see” approach.  I am not off the hook but nothing appears to be life threatening or even close to it.  Now I just have to not think about it. 

 

The three weeks were up already between my Herceptin treatments.   The side effects were a bit different this time.  I felt much more tired and achy for a couple days.  Friday morning my knees and ankles were really sore when I woke up.  Was it the Herceptin or is it the Tamoxifen?  The runny nose and headaches usually follow two weeks post treatment.  It is worse at the 10 day mark but it all seems pretty manageable in the grand scheme of things.  I am now only seeing my oncologist every other treatment so I did not see her this time.  To be honest, I was relieved.  As much as I like knowing I am being looked after, it adds more time and anxiety to my day.  

Despite my complaints of aches and pains, I am overall feeling really strong.    I have been focusing on my bike training and nutrition and it seems to be paying off.  

   

After the really bad week I shared about in my last post, I was starting to lose faith in the fact that I could do this huge race on June 5th.  If you don’t remember, I am registered for the Bearscat50 - a 50 mile mountain bike race.  It will not be an easy 50 miles either.  The Monday following that bad week, I walked into the Pilates studio feeling tired, weak and discouraged.  My instructor is really amazing.  She has understood my focus from the beginning and she knew something was up with me that day in the studio.  She asked how my training was over the weekend and my reply was basically – minimal at best.  We talked about what was not feeling right while she quickly got me started on one of the machines to stretch out my legs. It took about 15 minutes into the workout but I was already starting to feel better.  She pushed me hard that day and moved me quicker than usual.  Her goal was to energize me with a fast paced core workout to make me feel strong.  She purposely didn’t work my legs hard so I could go out and ride my bike that evening.   Her plan worked and that night I hit the road for an awesome 34 mile solo road ride and felt stronger than I had in a long time.  I owe a lot to this Pilates instructor and for believing in me and giving me her time and guidance.  My recovery would not be the same and I believe it has made a huge difference.  I am so grateful for the opportunity. 

This jump start to the week really helped get me back in the training groove.   I have had a few weeks of great riding and workouts.  

A couple weekends ago, there was a race at Wawayanda in Hewitt, NJ.  It was the first race of the H2H mountain bike series but G and I both decided not to race in it.  I probably could have raced, but I was not ready to put the pressure on just yet.  I felt I needed the training block so instead we decided to head out to the course on Saturday to ride a few loops.  This is the same venue where the Bearscat50 will be so even though the course will be different, it really gave me a reminder of the lay of the land.  While it is not the hardest mountain biking I have ever done, it is certainly one of the more challenging and rocky areas to ride around here.  A mile into the race loop, I felt great.  I had that extra light feeling on the pedals and was coasting through the first set of rock gardens without a hitch.  This course was no joke and there was one technical section after another.  It really made me have to stay focused and be present.     Lap two, maybe I was a little too arrogant from lap one but I was reminded how quickly it can happen.  I hit a rock the wrong way and slid off my bike only to find my right arm ripped up from the rocks.  It was bleeding quite a bit, but surprisingly it did not hurt as bad as it could have.  It stung as I rode on and I was just angry that I fell on something so silly.  I am still frustrated at times with my new body and my new physical restrictions, this put me in a bit of a tizzy for the remainder of the 2^nd lap.  I could tell G was just trying to keep his distance the rest of the lap.  He knows that I usually work this sort of thing out for myself.  Sure enough, I did and lap three was another experience.  While I was a bit more timid on the really gnarly stuff, I still rode well and we ended up with a good 25 miles of technical riding in our legs.  It was a great training day for both of us.  On the way home, G and I actually talked about how I felt after the crash.  The frustration, the anger is all understood and merited at times but crashing on my mountain bike…that is just mountain biking! 

G was riding like a champ that day! 

A new section of trail.

 

I thought I would be too spent on Sunday to ride the dirt so we decided to go for a road ride instead.   Road riding is not easy but it sure has a different effect on the body.  My legs felt tired in the morning but not as bad as I thought they would.  I still had quite a bit of life left in them.  My lungs felt clear despite the horrible pollen in the air and my heart rate felt right on target. We had a great 45 mile road ride on a beautiful sunny day! 

This past weekend we headed down to Pennsylvania for a family visit and of course we brought the bikes.  We are down to the wire here for training and can’t lose a day let alone a weekend.  We had planned to go Friday night.  The overall week and my treatment took more out of me then I anticipated so we decided to get a good night’s rest and head out first thing in the morning.  We drove right to the trail head at Blue Marsh Lake.  This was by no means a technical place to ride but it had plenty of mileage, awesome singletrack and more climbing than we anticipated.  We had such a great time riding there that we decided to head back the following afternoon before driving back to NY.   This was a great plan as we were able to get another solid day of riding in with over 4000 feet of climbing over two days. 

Stopping for a break in this beautiful field. 

Bikes eye view.

So does this all mean I will be ready to race June 5?  I guess we will have to “wait and see”…

Thank you for reading. 

S.M.