Forward Movement.

While sitting down to work on writing content for my business website, I starting thinking about why I am doing the work that I do today.  What is it I am trying to get across as my message to my clients?

I was drawn back to the many memories of sitting in front of my computer writing and sharing the story of my life- The cancer diagnosis; the many surgeries and treatments; love and being in love; bike riding; racing; food and whatever else fell in-between... I wrote candidly and honestly for 3 years.  I wrote about what it was like for me to go through my journey in the “cancer vortex” and how that changed me both physically and mentally. 

It has been 2 years since I have written here and on April 15 it will be 5 years from my diagnosis.  If someone asked me 5 years ago where I imagined I would be in life, I would have never been able to guess.  It seemed so far away and so unattainable yet parts of my life seemed indestructible…

I am still seeing my doctors every 3 months, getting a shot monthly and take my tamoxifen daily to keep cancer away and as far as we know, it is all working!  I feel I am one of the lucky ones.

I am looking to race again this season but I am not totally sure what those races will be yet.   I have had little time to train this winter but we will just have to wait and see.   I am putting little pressure on myself to race and I will know if and when I am ready.

Over the last two years I have come into my self again, changed careers, road many miles on my bike, traveled thousand of miles, lost friends and lost a love.  I have been forced and inspired to move forward to new adventures. 

I wake up to see the woman that I never thought I would be or could be.  I am stronger than I ever thought I was or could be.  I am surrounded by many wonderful people and at times overwhelmed with the gifts that I receive from life on a daily basis. 

I am forever grateful to those that have helped me along the way and look forward to seeing where the next 5 years will bring me. 

I will probably not write here again.  I have a hard time relating to and looking at this chapter of my life but it will continue to be a reminder to me of how far I have come.  I know that “Sweet Mango”  is within me forever and this experience will continue to drive my forward movement.  

Thank you for the years of reading and for allowing me to share with you my experiences.

S.M. 

Looking forward.

This week marks 3 years from my cancer diagnosis.  This anniversary did not come with the anticipated anxiety that the previous years have.   It is not that the fear of recurrence has completely escaped my mind but I am trying to look forward.  The side effects from my treatments continue to be painful reminders of what I have been through but I refuse to let them stop me in my tracks.   I am just learning to accept them even if they slow me down.  

Moving forward, I am hoping to keep my focus on my career change as a full time Pilates instructor and working with the non-for-profit helping other cancer patients.   It has really been my silver lining that has come out of the ‘cancer vortex’.  I am following my heart on this one and have faith that it will lead to all good things.  Besides, it makes me feel good about myself. 

Racing season is here.  I have been struggling with renewing my USA Cycling license.   If I renew my license the way I left it in 2010, I will be racing as Cat 1.  I really have no interest in downgrading my license and going backwards to Cat 2 but I also fear the pressure this may put on me to get back into the shorter cross country race scene.  I have been racing more endurance races and ones that do not require a USA Cycling license so until now, it has not been an issue.  I had intended to get back into the local cross country scene this year so I need to make a decision and quickly.  The first race is this Sunday and of course it is on my home turf... The Chainstretcher at Blue Mountain Reservation. 

We were lucky enough to get out to Sedona last week for a mini-vacation.  It was sort of a last minute decision to head out there for G's sisters engagement party.  I am so glad we went for many reasons but we were also able to squeak in a couple really amazing days of mountain biking.  That place would be how I imagine heaven!  

The most important thing that I can write about today is -  I am cancer free and I feel pretty damn good about that! 

To those that have been following along over the past 3 years, thank you. 

Knowing you are all out there cheering me on, really helps to get through those hard days. 

Happy Spring! 

G and I in Sedona last week ♥

S.M. 

Darkhorse 40 Race Recap.

Sunday morning came quickly and it was set to be another hot and humid race day. 

After picking up my number plate and setting up my gear, I spun my legs out up the fire road for not even a mile or so before they called to stage all racers. I had planned on a long warm up that morning, but I ran out of time before the start. 

Ready or not, it was time to go pee and lineup.   

I had signed up for the sport class and there was 17 women registered.   That is a pretty large womens field so I was a bit anxious.  We were going to be the last group to head out on the course.  After my experience of being passed by almost the entire men sport field at the 6 hour race last month, I was totally okay with heading into the woods behind the masses.  There were 400 racers registered and I would just pass the ones I could but was happy to not have to be passed by 200+ racers.   

It was already hot and the air was pretty thick as I stood on the line waiting our turn to start the race.  I ran through my mental  check list of what I had in my pockets for nutrition; I ate a GU while I tried to remind myself to make sure to eat on a regular schedule so I would not bonk out there. 

The race started with a 3.5 mile fire road.  I was not warmed up well so I just rode it pretty steady.  That was my plan- just to stay steady.   By the time I got to the first bit of single track- I felt great.  I was picking off some of the men racers and having a good time of it.  I caught a couple women and just kept on pushing forward.

I felt so good the first 10 miles that I decided that I better reign myself  back in a bit- I had 30 more miles to go and it was hot and humid.  I just settled into a little more than comfortable pace. The second half of the 20 mile course had the most climbs on it.  I was surprised at how well I did on the climbs.  G keeps reminding me on our training rides to use my gears and save my legs.  It really helped and I never felt my legs hurt once on those climbs.

As I came through the neutral feed zone after the first lap, I stopped at the cooler to fill up my camelback with water and grab another bottle of Heed.  The promoters had great support stations set up with snacks and water but I never stopped at any of them.  I made a promise to myself- no stopping outside of the feed zone unless it was necessary.   3 women passed me during what was only about a minute pit stop.  I headed back on the course to chase them down.  I had eaten and drank all the right amounts up until this point so I was hopeful to catch back up. 

It was quite a few miles until I caught two of them.  It had appeared they had slowed their pace.  I was thinking that I had slowed down a bit too, but I tried  to remain steady. By mile 35, I still had not caught one of the  woman that had passed me in the feed zone and I still felt pretty good so I thought- just go!  I pushed hard those  last 5 miles and I still felt strong when I crossed the finish line.  I could not believe it.  I was having the best race I have had in over 2 years.  I was smiling from the inside out. 

I did not catch that last woman that had  passed me.  I did not meet my time goal - but I still beat last year’s time by 30 minutes.  I did not podium but I sure as hell had a great time out there racing my bike in the woods.  The best part of the whole day was how I felt strong and healthy.  That was the big take away.    

What was the reason I felt so good that day?  The humidity was not in my favor and my ankles hurt for two days leading up to the race.  It could have gone either way.   I keep going over the week prior to race day and my race prep.  I do not know if I could repeat a day like that if I tried. 

My recovery is going well this week, so  here is hoping I will have what it takes to finish the Hampshire 100 in less than two weeks. 

S.M. 

Just Busy Living!

J enjoying himself some ice cream!

I have been extremely selective with my time lately.

During 7 weeks of the summer, my sister comes down from Maine to work a job she has had for many years. It is a great job  for her, so while it is hard on her and her family, it pays off in the end. There is not much work up in their parts of the world, so this is necessary. An added bonus for me is my nephew J comes with her. At 21 months, he has been quite the trooper . He has adapted very well and I love having them both around.

Unfortunately, the time goes by way too quickly. Each year I tell myself that I need to make sure I spend as much time with them as possible- no matter what is going on in my life.

Back in the summer of 2010 when I was in chemo treatments, my sister was here for work and she was pregnant with J. The time we spent together was not filled with a ton of exciting activities since we both only really wanted to lay on the couch and watch movies- we still had some great sister time together.

At the local fair. 

This year I have made an even stronger effort and I have the energy to spread myself a little thinner. These times with L & J are very special. I have grown pretty attached to this little guy. So between my visits with them; work; training hours in the Pilates studio and oh yeah…riding my bike, writing has taken a back seat.


It never seems like enough time...

J and L 

If anyone was worried- I am fine… just busy living! 

I hope you are all having a great summer. 

My sis, brother in law and of course G and I.

Stay tuned: G and I will be racing on Sunday August 5 in the DarkHorse 40 and if I keep my nerve, I will be attempting to finish the Hampshire 100.

Darkhorse 40 pre-ride with some good buddies!

S.M. 

Graduation Day!

Yesterday was my 4 month follow up with my medical oncologist, Dr W.   I have been feeling pretty well overall so there was not too much to discuss.  We had some of our normal conversations regarding my dizziness, my arm pain and we discussed my joint pain.  “It is what it is” was her response.  This is her typical response.  She is not dismissive of these complaints but has no solid answers for me.  Her thought is that most of this is still residual effects of all the treatment.  I agree with her and think that the Tamoxifen is also playing a part.  

 

She seemed pleased with last month’s blood work from my internist but still ran our standard.  Results were overall fantastic and my tumor markers were stable so I have graduated from every 4 months to 6 month follow ups!   This is a big deal in the cancer vortex.  I was a little surprised but Dr W is not a worry wart.  “You are all good- just call me if something comes up“were her last words as she walked out the door.  

I had an extra bounce in my step as I left the building knowing that my next appointment with her was not until mid-October! 

Although this is not a graduation of completion (that will never happen), I will take this milestone as a wonderful gift for my two year “cancerversary”!

I honored my body for all its hard work with a quick celebratory pedal in the woods during my lunch break. 

We have come a long way…

S.M.

Finding that smile.

This past weekend was filled with a lot of time on the bike.  While there were many wonderful moments I could share, this one stuck out most for me.

G took a photo of me riding in the woods on Saturday.  There it was "that smile" on my face. That smile that I have truly not seen since before my first surgery in May 2010.

Taken by my friend Kevin -2 weeks before my surgery.  

Just shy of two years later and the smile is back.  

You may have to make the photos larger to see that smile but I see it and best of all, I felt it!

S.M.

Healthy Distractions.

This past weekend was filled with a lot of healthy distractions.

Saturday morning started off with a new juice recipe for me.

1 large handful of Romaine
1 large handful of Kale
1 large bunch of wheat grass ( was around a shot once juiced)
1 large cucumber
1 1/2 green apples
4 stalks of celery

It made about 32 oz of juice so I shared with G.  This is probably my new favorite.

The Kale and Wheat Grass really made this one green! 

It was raining most of the morning so G and I decided to go for a long hike in the woods.  The trails would have been a mess to ride on.  By the time we got to the trails the rain had stopped, the temperature started to rise and the sun eventually worked itself out to reveal a beautiful 60 degree day!

I love a good walk through the woods.  I get to take in a lot more than when I am rolling on my bike.  It allows for great conversation and a chance to work different muscle groups in my legs.

Heading to the top of Spitzenberg@ Blue Mountain Reservation.  

View on top of the Blue Mountain Summit.  This is on the other side of the park and the sun was shining bright.  

Stopping for a minute to catch a view of the stream over in Depew Park

G- taking some photos of the stream 

Sunday, we were invited to join the Campmor Team on their training road ride.  Knowing this was going to kick my butt- I still humbly accepted the invitation.  I have been wanting to ride with these friends for a while now but the timing had just not worked until now.

The plan was a hilly 55 miles and that is exactly what we did + 1 extra mile for good measure.  I do not know the final stats of how many feet of climbing we did but I know it was a lot!  This ride took us from Tuxedo, NY into the back side of Harriman State Park which is one of the most beautiful parks in our area.  There were some pretty wicked climbs but most of them rolling or steady.  After a massive climb from the bottom of Bear Mountain to the top of Perkins Drive, we headed back the same way we came through the park.

This was exactly what I needed.  A really awesome road ride with more climbing than I have done all winter.  Basically a good ass kicking!  I had to push myself pretty hard but overall- I felt like I did alright.  I was not the fasted by any means and was usually in the back of the pack, but I tried to just stay steady.  As my friend RR would say, "it is money in the bank woman!".

Thank you Team Campmor friends for the great tour and for letting us tag along- you guys rock!

Smiles all day- even on the climbs!

For those of you that have sent me some extra love and positive energy over this past week- thank you.  You do not know how much that means to me.  It has helped me a lot to share this with all of you.  It took a lot of the fear out of it for me.

I will keep you posted on this weeks results.

S.M. 

La buona vita- The good life!

After my final Herceptin treatment, it was as if the final buzzer went off and things started to move really quickly.  I was extremely busy with work and was gearing up for our big vacation.  The timing was perfect and I could not be more grateful to be given the opportunity to travel with G and his family to Italy.  There was something about the feeling of really disconnecting from my everyday routine –including the bike, that let me feel free of so many of the worries I have been holding so tightly to.  We attempted to adopt a new lifestyle for the next 10 days.  We were in a house in a small village in Pulgia down in the “heel of the boot” on the Adriatic. The only thing keeping me from really living like the Italians was the fact that I did not speak Italian.  We tried to blend in the best we could and soak up as much of the new lifestyle as possible.  We did not bring bikes for a couple reasons; the hassle and the fact that we did not want to get them stolen.  This area is home of the “gipsy”- a fancy word for thief!  We took hikes, sightseeing drives, and just relaxed and swam. We had very limited internet and no phone service.  It has been a long time since I have detached from the cyber world and from the cancer vortex- It felt amazing!   I did not want to leave that mind set.

Traveling always reminds me of how lucky I am to live where I do and to have the life that I have.  Italia was beautiful, but it is certainly not home. 

Here are some of the highlights of our trip.

Great hike G and I took- View up the coast north of Otranto. 

 

We hiked the edge of these cliffs and the views were amazing!  

Here we are- it was so hot that day.  It was actually 100* almost every day!

Swimming holes like this one were always a great find.  

Dinners at home were always best. 

The outdoor grill.

The scene of many great meals and good company.

Driving south to the heel of the boot.  Fun drive! 

Down the cliffs in a small village- Castro.

Many smiles during our sightseeing adventures.

Delicious Cappuccinos

Watching the local activity 

G getting a little closer to see what the fisherman were up to.

So many cafes on the water

The good life...for sure.  Siesta time in Gallipoli, Italy.

As much as I would have liked to stay out of the cancer vortex, I still returned from vacation with medical junk to take care of.  It seems as though it never really ends but looking back to a year ago- I have made tremendous progress.

I have scheduled my next phase of my breast reconstruction process for October 13.  This is what is called the exchange surgery.  My plastic surgeon will be removing these horribly uncomfortable tissue expanders and replacing them with softer, squishier silicone implants.  I am not looking forward to surgery but I am looking forward to my new boobs!  Since I will be put under anesthesia for this surgery, I am also having my breast surgeon remove my medi-port at the same time.  This is the devise that I have been getting all my medicines infused through and blood drawn.  Since treatment is over and I should only need blood drawn roughly two times a year, I no longer have any use for it today, and nor in the future. If all goes well, this should be the last of the major surgeries until I decide to move forward with nipple reconstruction and/or tattooing. Yes, they will actually reconstruct nipples and use tattooing for the coloring.  I have not decided on that yet. I am also considering just 3-D tattooing.  First things first.

From what I have heard, this upcoming surgery is not as invasive as the first surgery and while my actual recovery time should be a lot shorter, my times off the bike will be about the same.  6 weeks.  I could keep pedaling through October and wait to have surgery in the winter months but honestly, I really want to put this behind me.  It has been way too long with these ‘rocks’ in my body and it has been too long since I have been able to sleep on my stomach.  Sleeping on my side is not even that easy or very comfortable. 

Having the surgery in October will also give me enough time to recover, enjoy the holidays and start training for the 2012 racing season.  This year was not my year to race.  I wanted to feel good but I did not recover from training rides or racing very easily.  I sort of lost the desire to race the rest of this season.   My body took a huge beating over the past 18 months and it was just too much to keep up my fitness to a racing level. I did my two big races this season and I am okay with that.  It was my way of saying a big Fuck You to cancer and I did just that. Now I just hope I stay healthy so I can attempt to have a good season next year. 

Arrivederci!

S.M.

"Normal"

I thought I would start off with getting my medical update out of the way.  I received my endometrial biopsy results back and the doctor said results were “normal”.  Ahh, yes-  I can breathe…. I was trying really hard not to think about it and I knew in my heart my luck could not be that bad.  (I do say that with a bit of caution).  My doctors will continue to make me do follow-up ultra sounds but “normal” was music to my ears this week. 

 

So, life carries on as “normal” or at least my new version of normal.  This is a complicated word for me and there is no simple definition for someone young who has had cancer or lives with a chronic disease.  I am still trying to figure out what is my “normal” supposed to really feel like.  I always hear others in similar situations use the phrase, “new normal”- but I struggle with that.  Things are not the way they used to be before treatment that is for sure.  Do I want that old me back?  You bet I do- without the cancer of course.

Mind and Body. 

 

Is my body normal?  Not even close.  I have a scar under my left armpit and an indent from where they took a chunk of lymph nodes out.  18 to be exact and while the scar appears to be getting better the indent it left behind is so big that I can not shave properly.   Trivial, yes- but certainly not normal.  I still have cording under my left arm that some days forces pain down my arm to my wrist.  If it is really bad, it shoots across my chest taking my breath away in pain.  It is better than it was, but the pain is still  there.  I am hoping after my exchange surgery, it helps relieve some of the extra stress there.  I have X ‘s where my nipples used to be.   I will always have fake boobs.   While that may be fine for some women, I feel justified to say that it is much different than making the choice to have breast augmentation.  It is not the same thing by a long shot.  My body is fighting back every day to filter out the treatments and the after effects of the past year.  It wants to feel strong again; I want to feel strong again. But sometimes the odds are against me and I have to give in and rest.  I guess there are lots of people that can complain about aches and pains in their knees, ankles and arms but mine are all reminders of having had cancer.   A little different than the aches of the aging process, because it reminds me that it was trying to kill me.

Is my mind normal?  Not sure really.   It is still a bit foggy from all the drugs and I think the Tamoxifen is not helping that part of the side-effect recovery either. 

Worry- I have a lot of that and it hits me randomly throughout the day.  Sometimes it scares me enough  to wake me up in the middle of the night.   I have to assume that most women my age are not worried about the same things as I am.   I would love to wake up in the morning and go about my day without the fear of a recurrence ever crossing my mind- it does.  Or question if I made the right treatment choices- this is a hard one for me.   I get envious, or dare I say jealous, of what others appear to have that I want: Marriage, children, or the overall feeling of immortality that I use to have.   I want to complain about the little things again.    

“Didn’t this experience make you feel grateful?” I have had people ask me that among other loaded questions.  I guess I would rather have people ask me questions than ignore the subject with me completely.   I was pretty well in touch with my sense of gratitude before my diagnosis so the answer is NO, Cancer didn’t really make me more grateful, but I do look at things and people a lot differently. 

    

My body is for sure not a normal 37 year old body.  But yet, I am still better physically fit then some that have not been through major cancer treatment.  My mind does not think like a normal 37 year old woman.  My relationships are no longer the same.  Some have strengthened and some have weakened almost to a failing point.  I have really learned to know who I can count on and who is just outright unreliable.  This path has introduced me to amazing new people that have offered me so much generous support in ways I never imagined- life changing support.  I have seen and felt what true love is really like.  So, yes...I have many things to be grateful for.  

In April of 2010, my world got hijacked and it will never be “normal’.  Most of this I have learned to accept but acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like it!  

For those that know me best, I am not looking for pity, but rather understanding.   I write this not to make it seem like I am bitter or angry, but to let people know that I am still here just trying to work this all out-it is my great  human struggle to make sense of all of this.   I may appear back to “normal’ in your eyes, but from this view, I will never really be “normal”.  

Thank you for reading. 

S.M.

Photo courtesy of ~Aria~ Flickr Photostream.

Spring Blossoms.

It was April 15, 2010 and my sister was here on an extended business trip.  We had walked into town for some lunch and as a distraction. It was two days after my biopsy and my mind was off in a million places. My eyes wandered around the neighborhood taking in all the beautiful spring colors.  The cherry blossom trees were magnificent last spring.  I had to stop to take this photo- it carries with it a memory that will stay with me forever.  This was only a couple hours before I would receive that phone call from DrB.  The phone call that would change my life as I knew it.  I was so grateful to have my sister with me that day.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have been there to support me during this past year.  It hasn't been easy.  G, my special guy.  I would not have made it this far without you- Team G n R rocks!

S.M.

No more tanning...unless I'm at the beach!

As planned, Monday was my final radiation treatment.  It is almost too difficult to describe the feeling that day.   It was the last time I would climb up on that cold metal table.  My radiation therapists T and R were both there and sharing in my glory.  It always takes a minute or three for them to get me all lined up on the table so that I am properly aligned with the machine.  R was telling me about her holiday weekend and T was getting me all dialed in.  Then I heard the same line that I have heard for 33 days..."All set, we will be right back".  I usually just say OK but this time, I yelled out "Hey T- make this a good one!".  Right before the giant door closed me in I heard, "It will be the best one yet Rebecca".  I closed my eyes and waited the moment to hear the buzzer.  I started my mantra - a little prayer I came up with to ease the scary moments.  This was the last time I hope I ever hear that noise again.  The 20 seconds ended- this particular treatment only lasted that long.  Usually there were 4 of those.  The buzzer stopped and I felt it...The big smile across my face.  I wanted to jump up off that table with a giant Yahoo,  but I just kept it inside.  R and T walked back in the room to help me get off the table and they both gave me a big hug before sending me on my way.  It was bitter sweet to know I will not see those folks every day...But they understand that most patients never want to be back there again.  I plan to visit but not until my follow up with DrM.  That is not for six weeks!  According to DrM, my skin looks the best he has ever seen.  Scary thought considering I am pretty well fried and my underarm is starting to peel.  I will take his word for it and from what I have heard from others experiences, I am feeling pretty lucky. 

While I have a huge sense of relief to be finished with the major treatments, I have a little ways to go yet.  I must allow myself some time to heal from the radiation and continue to allow my body to flush out the remaining chemicals from my system.  I am gauging this by a few different things but one is by my finger nails.  One of the many side effects of chemotherapy was my nails all turned white from the nail bed up and became extremely brittle.  I was lucky they didn't fall off but  it was still so weird and pretty ugly.  They are almost all grown out now.  I have maybe another month to go.

With the new year beginning so well, I promised myself I would not look too deep into the belly of 2010.  However, while cleaning up my office desk yesterday, I came upon an envelope of photos that have been given to me over the year.  They are actual prints and I do not have the original digital so I decided to scan some of them into my computer.  Here is one that G and I both found pretty hard to look at.  It brought up a lot of emotion both individually ( I'm sure his experience and memories of this is different than mine) and together.  I almost can't look too closely at it but thought I would share it with all of you.  Some of you were there that night.  It was taken on May 25, 2010 - The night before my surgery. 

Heading home after an evening I will never forget. 

For now, I am trying to separate these two years but it is not as easy as just turning over the calender.  Where does 2010 end and where does 2011 really begin? I will just have to let time work that out.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family who have supported me over the last year and to my random blog readers out there....Let this year bring us all many wonderful things!

Wrapping things up.

Christmas has come and gone....We started off with a Christmas Eve morning ride on some new trails in Yorktown. I was so grateful to be out in the woods among good people and the fresh air.  It meant more to me than just another other group bike ride- thank you everyone that was there.  

Too far away but you get the point.

As planned, we headed into NYC for the evening with G's parents and sister.  We started off with evening mass...yes, we all went to church and it was pretty special.  The decoration, the music, the spirituality-  It was almost more than I could handle emotionally.  We spent the night in NYC after a lovely meal and with great company.  After a relaxing morning, we headed up north to my father and Anne's for a low key Christmas dinner.  Anne's parents were up from Florida and  a couple of their friends joined us as well.  I didn't take many Christmas photos but Anne sent me this one of the four of us.

Christmas Day Smiles.

Christmas was followed up by a huge snowstorm that just about shut down the east coast. We slept in that morning and realized we better hurry if we wanted to get a ride in before the trails were all gone...The traction was perfect and G and I had a great ride in the woods that day.

Stopping for a rest and a photo opportunity. 

The following day after the storm,  my guy frantically shoveled the car out so I could make it to my radiation treatment (we don't want to miss any). That afternoon we met up with some friends for some sledding up at Rockwood- this has and always will be a prime place to go sledding because the hill is so steep and  the view of the Hudson is fantastic.  I was pretty tired from treatment and feeling a little fragile, so I opted to watch. G and I walked around amidst the sledders while the wind howled and tried to blow us off the hill.  The wind was so strong that day that it almost blew all the snow off the top of the hill.

G posing at the top of the hill. 

Seeking shelter under a tree.

The new year is almost here and of course the end of my radiation treatment is coming to an end.  I was hoping to be finished by December 31st, but it turns out I have one more left on Monday.  But that is ok, as I have to see Dr M anyway for a follow up.

Like many people, the end of the year is a time when we look back and reflect on where we have been.  I started to remember back to last New Years and how I had no clue what would lie ahead for me.  G moved in last February and shortly after that ( not even two months later) I was diagnosed with cancer.  Frankly, that is as far as I went with this "looking back" on the year crap. So much of the last year  is still very dark for me to think about.  I can only look forward from here.

As you can imagine, I am anxious to start a new year.  While much of the effects of my treatments will linger,  G continues to remind me that I have come a long way since May.  I continue to try and stay in the moment, but there is some level of anticipation of what this new year will bring.  All I really wish for is to be healthy and cancer free. A pretty simple wish for most people, as we take for granted our health- but this year that is all I hope for.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for what might happen in 2011!

The final countdown.

It is the final countdown of my radiation treatments.   I have 5...yes only 5 more radiation treatments left.  I am exhausted but surprisingly finding the energy to get a lot done in a day.  It must be the excitement that this huge part of my treatment is almost over.  I might be over doing it a bit since I passed out on the couch last night before 9 pm.

The treatments are going as planned.  About two weeks ago, my skin started to develop an itchy rash on my sternum and my collarbone.  This is to be expected and Dr. M. does not seem to be too concerned.  If my skin starts to bubble and peel, than we up the medicine to something stronger but for now, I will keep using this steroid cream and Biafine.  It seems to be doing the trick and my skin remains status quo.   I was advised that the skin could get worse after I stop treatments.  I guess the effects of the radiation keep going and then the skin begins to heal.

Like most, this has been a hectic month.  I have had all my routine Doctor appointments and then some.   I have been able to work more now that I am feeling better but I still get tired quickly.  We have been more social with holiday parties and G had a birthday last week.

It was too cold for a ride so we went for a hike instead.  

We went out to eat at the Red Hat - Make a wish G!

Even thought we did not ride on G's birthday, we did manage to get some really great riding in last weekend.  Saturday we ventured up the OCA  for a two hour pedal.  Always good for my endurance training.  Sunday was a surprisingly balmy 35 degrees and after a great nights rest and relaxing morning, we headed to Graham Hills.  I felt steady for the first time in a while and G and I had a great time in the woods.

Christmas is days away and I almost finished my holiday baking and trying to tie up some loose ends for the big day.  We plan to spend Christmas Eve and morning with G's family in the city and then Christmas afternoon at my fathers.  It took me a while to get into any sort of holiday spirit but baking my traditional and not so traditional holiday goodies helped.

Oatmeal Cranberry cookies- my new favorite. 

Mini Zucchini Breads- apparently they are delicious 

I had good intentions of getting holiday cards out....sorry in advance, but it didn't happen.  I am grateful to have so much love in my life.  Thank you to all of my family and friends who have helped me during a very difficult time in my life. Especially to my guy for all you have done for me this year.  It has not been easy and I'm sure at times I have not been easy to deal with.  I could not have done this with out you. 

So, the final countdown of this phase of treatment and 2010 is near.  Merry Christmas to you and your families and here is to a healthy and peaceful new year!

Week two of radiation and Thanksgiving.

I kept thinking over the course of last weekend that I was tired from such a long week of appointments, but I am now beginning to think the radiation has a huge part in why I am feeling so exhausted these days. 

 

Saturday morning G and I attempted to get up and meet a group ride at Blue Mountain, but even with our best efforts (OK, so maybe we could have tried harder) we missed the departure time by an hour.  It is just as well since I was not feeling on top of my game.  We rode for a couple hours and while we managed to find some of the group in the woods for a nice chat- we rode for the most part, just the two of us.  I am so grateful to have such a great guy who wants to ride with me no matter what.  I always enjoy our time together and the time in the woods is even more special. 

After our ride on Saturday, I chose to rest up since I had plans to go to my mom’s for dinner.  My brother and his family were in town for the night and I didn’t want to miss my chance to play with my nephew.  I was still pretty tired, but managed to find the energy to give my nephew his first lesson of flashlight tag- priceless.  By the end of the night, I could hardly lift my arms (not sure what that is all about) and I no longer can scoop my nephew up in my arms to lift him up to my chest.  I am too weak…not to mention he is getting really big.

"do you think we will see any animals?"

 

Sunday morning had a lazy start.  G and I slept in and decided to keep things simple and we headed up the Aqueduct toward Croton.  It’s a great workout but not too hard on my body.  I felt surprisingly better than the day before.  We headed north from the house. 

Golden trails. 

Trying to get a selfie while pedaling. 

I better quit playing with the camera...G might catch me. 

Big Bird in Flight.

Lunch at the Silver Tips Tea House- Post ride.

 

It was a golden Sunday and I would not have done anything different- Except maybe take my anti anxiety pill before I went to bed.  

Unfortunately, I did not sleep well this past Sunday night, so come Monday morning, I  was once again exhausted.  I have tried to wean myself off my anti-anxiety medicine, but this may not be a good time for me to do this with all the appointments for my radiation treatments.  I woke up Sunday night in a total panic.  G is once again, so comforting.  He wrapped his arm around me with sweet kisses and whispered “it will be ok; shhhhh-it will be ok.” I could not really remember all the details of what really woke me up expect the feeling like my heart was going to jump right out of my chest.
 

During my radiation treatments, Monday appointments are a little longer than the rest of them.  I go into the radiation room as normal but before they can do the treatment, they have to take x-rays to make sure nothing has changed since the week prior.  Apparently I had a 1mm change in one of the 4 settings but nothing that can’t be corrected by the touch of a button.  After my treatment, the nurse comes and gets me and I meet with the doctor.  Dr M always answers all my questions and helps me get through some of my concerns.  He reminds me again of why I need radiation and takes a look at my skin to make sure I’m holding up ok.  So far, so good and I will continue to use the Aquaphor as a moisturizer until he advises me otherwise.  

Today after my radiation treatment, I had an echocardiogram.  While on the Herceptin drug, I am required to have my heart checked every three months.  I opted out of the MUGA scan this time since it is more radiation to my body and the eco is non-invasive and done with ulta sound.  From a clinical standpoint, it isn't always the best read on the heart, but my tech was able to get a great picture this morning.  The good news is my heart looks normal and I'm good to go!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I get the day off of treatment only because they are closed.  I will be back on schedule Friday morning.  I am happy to have the extra break in the week and plan to enjoy my morning with my guy on the trails before we head to his parents for the feast. 

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!