Me, over do it?

I am reminded how quickly it can happen.  You feel great, your life seems to be going along nicely and wham…you over do it! 


My week leading up to my long weekend in the Pilates studio was jam packed but I felt great.  I was 'handling' all of it.  The workshop was fantastic-best one yet. A lot of work both physically and mentally.  That following Monday rolled around and I was not only exhausted but I had that heavy feeling in my chest and the coughing began.  Next it was the fever, runny nose and did I mention the cough?  I have not been this sick from a “cold” in a long time.  I was down for the count all week.  No work, no rides, no studio time, no fun.  While I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself, I remembered all those days I was so sick from chemo that I could hardly walk or open my eyes without wanting to puke.  Those days have passed for me and so would this.  Oddly, I feel lucky that it is just a bad cold…I do really hate being cooped up though.  Especially when I had a plan to catch up on some riding during the week and long rides for the weekend. 

This past weekend, we were reminded that it is winter and there was no way I was heading out in that weather on Saturday.  I had hoped to head up to Stewart to try to get some longer miles in but that was not going to happen.  I did manage to convince G that I was feeling well enough on Sunday to do a quick lap around Graham.  It was windy and cold but the trails were in great shape.  Amazingly, my legs felt so strong but my lungs, not so much.   My guy had to rein me in and head me back to the car.  I did not want to go home but I know it was the right decision.  He reminded me that I always push myself too hard and it is not always the best thing for me.  I would like to tell you that I do this because I want to live my days to the fullest since my cancer diagnosis but the reality is, I lived this way well before my diagnosis.   I still do not think that is wrong, but I do now consider the long term effects of taking on too much.  There will be more time to pedal .  

Tomorrow is Valentines Day and if all goes as planned, G and I will start our day with a morning pedal in the woods before work.  Now that is my kind of romance!

Happy Valentines Day!

XO

S.M. 

Is it spring?

It is hard to believe that January is over. There is not a spec of snow on the ground and the lakes and ponds are far from frozen.  We had a snow storm 10 days ago but with the assistance of above average temperatures and a little rain, it is all gone!   The temperatures have been in the 40's and today was in the high 50's! This is a dream for most cyclists in the north east.  Especially in the middle of winter when the temperatures are typically in the teens and 20's with a foot of snow on the ground.

With my first race less than 3 months away, I would have been out there getting in some base miles regardless of the temperatures.  But it was so nice to not be freezing my butt off while getting salt from the roads kicked up in my face.  This past weekend I even felt great on the bike- very connected.  Dare I say it?  It is all coming together again!   

Heading home after a 50 mile road ride. 

Sunday in the woods- great day with friends!

I have another Pilates workshop this weekend.  This one is 20 hours long so that pretty much wipes out my weekend for riding.  The flip side is, the Pilates is helping to make me stronger and I am really enjoying my studies. I have partnered up with another student so I am getting even more time in the studio to practice all I have learned thus far.  It is really helping to keep me motivated and get me on track. The completion of my certification seems a long ways away but every hour counts towards the 500 hour requirement!

So, it is not spring yet but I do hope February is as kind to us as January was!

S.M.

Beating the Odds.

Final Ride of 2011

We are already a few weeks into 2012 and tomorrow will be my 38^th birthday!  The time between the holidays and my birthday seemed like a blur.   Actually the time between all of my birthdays can sometimes seem like a blur.  Where does the time go?

I use to worry about getting older, but now I usually just smile when I hear people say “oh my GOD, I am getting so old!”  Getting old is a gift.  Since my cancer diagnosis, age is sort of game of Beat the Odds for me now.  How many birthdays can I get to celebrate from here on out?  I would not mind 40-50 more years please.   Is that too much to wish for?

 

I know it may seem strange to others, but it has not been until recently that I have thought about how not-sick I really was before my diagnosis with cancer.  Cancer is and can remain for a long time, a very silent killer within someone’s body.  I do know that I was not too far away from being in a world of trouble, but I really did not feel sick.  I felt great- probably the best shape of my life.  It was not until they gave me treatments to make me ‘better’ did I truly feel sick. What I am really recovering from is the treatments, not the cancer.   I powered through most of it, rode my bike, worked, and lived the best I could every day. Yet, I still have a hard time comprehending whether or not I was really ‘sick’. 

  

I feel like my riding is coming together and I am starting to feel my strength returning.  This has only really occurred in the past two weeks.  We have been able to get some pretty good miles in since the weather had been so warm.  My endurance is coming back and I am actually feeling pretty good -most days.   I think my body has recovered from most of the treatments, but then I overdo it on rides and working long hours, and then I feel exhausted.  I would like to think that goes the same for most people so I won’t give it too much thought.

   

Winter has finally hit the New York area.  It would not be my birthday without below freezing temperatures or a snow storm.  That is more like it! While I do wish tomorrow was going to be 50 degrees and sunny, I will take the day as is.  

Beautiful day for a hike...20* and sunny!  

  

So, here is to me turning 38 with a strong 40 or 50 birthdays in my future!

Thank you for reading.

S.M. 

Swinging into the New Year!

The holidays have really taken me for a ride this year.   I had higher expectations for my spirits to be up and my energy to out last all the parties and plans I had made. It really took me a big push to get into the holiday spirit.  Last year, I was at the end of my radiation treatment and pretty exhausted but managed to really pull off a lot more than I did this year or maybe not…maybe it just seems that way.  I must have been functioning in that strange energy of the ‘cancer vortex’ and not even realizing how exhausted I was. 

  

Our holiday has been pretty wonderful and I am grateful for that!  It really started off with G’s birthday mid month and continued on full speed ahead from there.  We have been enjoying the extra socializing with family and friends and the weather has been unseasonably warm so we are getting out on our bikes.  We actually canceled our New Year’s weekend travel plans to stay home.  It is just too much and I am tired.  I want to start the New Year off feeling refreshed.  Besides, training starts um…now!  Got to get my body back in shape and I only have less than 4 months to do it.

 

I thought about reflecting on the past year and trying to write about it.   I sat down and stared at my computer…Nah.  I do not want to look back.  It is only forward from here. 

Stay tuned for what will hopefully be more posts about riding and racing bikes and less about, dare I say it- cancer!

 

Here is to a healthy and peaceful 2012 for all! 

S.M. 

Group ride Christmas Eve- thanks for the photo Bill W!

G and I bumped into a friend during our Christmas morning ride and he snapped our photo- thanks SPP!

Getting back on track.

I have quite a bit of filler I could use to bring you up to date on the past few weeks but I won't bother with every detail.  For the most part, things having been getting better. Just hectic since after Thanksgiving so not much time to write.  Here are some highlights from the weekend in Maine.  

After a very rainy drive, we woke up Thanksgiving morning to this beautiful snowy day. 

Great walk before the feast.

All cleaned up  and ready for dinner. 

At my sisters house with my nephews.  I think D was excited for his Star Wars Legos we brought him.  

J is getting so big!  

Cuddled up with my beautiful sister ♥  It was cold up in Maine!

The most important thing that I can report is I am finally getting back on track.  I am some what superstitious so tend to be hesitant to write these sorts of statements, but I am feeling good.  Some of it must be the further out I get from my last surgery and some of it is me finally jumping off the 'pity pot' and just doing what I know I need to do.  

My new boobs don't quite feel like mine yet.  They feel like more of an accessory most days.  It is not that I have much of a choice right now but I am giving them a chance.  I can't just take them off when they don't feel right. Clothes are fitting better, I am sleeping better and I feel a bit more comfortable on the bike.  My plastic surgeon is pleased with my results and she thinks my healing has finally turned a corner.  She is already discussing the next phase - nipple reconstruction and revisions.  Yes, revisions.  A couple things are just not quite as she would like them.  "I would not want to do anything until at least January" she said on my most recent follow up.  My response was "January 2013 is more of what I had in mind!”. There is no way I can mentally handle another surgery right now or in the near future.  I need to change my focus onto something else. 

I have a heavy but exciting race schedule ahead for next season and it will start in mid April.  I better get my butt in gear.  I have been back in the woods riding when I can to get more comfortable on the bike again.  I also decided to hell with my indoor trainer-it is lonely and boring!   I know, some of you don’t believe in this form of training but I am taking spin classes again.   I enjoy being outdoors so much more but some mornings it is just too damn cold or I do not have enough time.  I push myself more in these classes than I do at home on the trainer by myself.  There are a couple good instructors I know and they teach great classes so I decided to sign up.  It actually may help me focus on finding my speed again.  I know it is too early to really start working on speed for next season but honestly, I have gotten slower than a turtle since my treatments began 20 month ago.

I have been feeling a bit off balance and dizzy for a quite a while now.  I keep telling myself it will go away or get better.  It has not gotten better but it does not seem to have gotten any worse. There is an unwritten rule or saying in the cancer vortex – wait two weeks and in some cases wait a little longer- it may just go away on its own.  I never said anything to my oncologist during my visit back in September but I just had my 3 month follow up last week and thought I should let her know.  There is always that part of me that never wants to say anything because then I may end up with more scans or tests.  What if a scan reveals  something serious like the cancer has returned in my brain?!   Do I really want to know that? That may seem quite extreme to some of you but that is my reality.  It can happen.  I can’t just be clumsy, off my game or have headaches without the fear of recurrence setting in.  Then there is my intellectual side that reminds me that I have to be an advocate for my own health and my doctor only scans on symptoms.  If I don’t say anything, how will she know what is going on.  So, I put it down on the check-list of symptoms.  Of course she asked me about it.  I guess she actually reads that list.  This is a two page check list of symptoms that all patients fill out before the appointment.  98% of my answers were no!  She didn’t seem overly concerned about the dizziness but she did suggest an MRI of my brain just to see what is going on.   I had a CT brain scan this past summer but an MRI is a better scan.  Now that I do not have metal inside me, it is an option.  No radiation involved in an MRI but it is nerve racking non the less.  I managed to talk my way out of it this time and promised if it gets worse, I will call her for the MRI script.  If no changes or it lessons, I will not have to see her until April again for another routine follow up.  We can revisit it then.  Her thoughts on the dizziness was more to due with residual damage from the chemotherapy drug.  Specifically the Taxol.  She mentioned neuropathy as a possible cause and that it could affect the brain.  I had and still have obvious signs of neuropathy in my feet but never really thought about it in my brain.  G was along for this follow up and he asked her if this would get better with time? Her response was- sometimes yes but most of the time if it presents itself, it is a long term side effect.  We were both unimpressed with that answer.  I guess this is what they mean when they say "chemo, the gift that keeps on giving".  Her suggestion was to be careful with running, biking, climbing ladders or anything that I could lose my balance.  Well that is going to be difficult.  I am hoping that the dizziness just goes away. 

Speaking of balance, I am excited to report that I am continuing on with my Pilates certification and had another intense workshop last weekend.  It was so much material and a very advanced class but it felt great to challenge myself again both mentally and physically.  I can’t believe how much of my core strength I have lost in 2 months!  

I do not know who really reads my blog unless they comment on it but every once and a while I get a gentle nudge from a reader or friend who asks why I have not written in a while.  Thank you all for your concerns.   I am getting back on track; back on my bike; back to my daily routine and in turn getting back to feeling more like myself- whatever that is these days. 

Back in the woods. 

I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday season. 

S.M.

On the Horizon.

In an attempt to try and get myself out of my latest funk, I have decided to start planning my 2012 race season.  I am trying to put the focus on something ‘positive’ (there is that word again) and setting my fitness goals.

The upcoming season looks like it is going to start early.  The local H2H series has changed things around a bit.  Our club race, The Chainstretcher, is now the first race of the year when it is usually one of the last races of the year- this should be interesting.  I would have raced it early or late season- it is one my favorite places to ride and it holds a special place in my heart.  I am  not sure if I will be racing cat 1 or 2.  I will have to wait and see as to how my fitness builds this winter.  I may start out in cat 2 just to get my feet wet- in many ways I feel like I am starting over.

 

Only a week after is Single Speed A Palooza!  I love this race.  The first year I raced this was the first annual and the spring that I had met G.  I did not have a single speed bike  yet and he lent me one of his so I could  race.  I knew I had a good one even way back then-  he hardly knew me and he let me race his bike.   

Anyway, back to the race schedule.  I may or may not race the Bearscat 50 again this season.  I will be racing the Dark Horse 40 as it is the 10^th annual and it should not be missed.  Another goal for this season is one I had before my diagnosis- to complete a 100 mile race.  There are two that I am considering but I need to think about which is going to work out best.  Those races are Wilderness 101 and the Shenandoah 100. 

So those are the broad brush strokes for the season as I am undecided on all the races I will be racing in 2012, but what I do know is I have all the hopes to have a strong season ahead.  I have no reason to think that I cannot come back strong and get my speed back. 

So, where am I at with my most recent setbacks, recovery and mood?  I don’t even want to write it but it seems like I am back on track.  Dr DP gave me the go ahead to go hog wild with cardio, just no bouncing or lifting.  That comes  next week.  This was/is interpreted as I get to ride my bike on the road.

I was thrilled with this.  I was feeling better and the weather was supposed to be fabulous.  G and I decided to rest up Friday night and lay low. Shortly after dinner I was not feeling so well.  I was nauseated and could not figure out why.  The only thing I could think was I took my antibiotics right after dinner and my thought was that maybe it didn’t mix well.  Sure didn’t- I was sick most of the night throwing up.  Really?! 

I felt much better in the morning and there was no way that I was going to miss my chance to ride.  G helped me get my ‘mango ride’ all set up for my ride on the North County Trail.  This is the bike that has been with me the longest.  It is my forever faithful and I thought it fitting to take her out first.  I figured it best to take the mountain bike since I would not  ‘bounce’ and I could still get my pedal in without having the discomfort of reaching for the lower bars and brakes on my road bike.  It was a great plan and I was able to enjoy back to back days of riding this past weekend.   I felt even better the second day besides being over dressed for the warm weather.  It was 65 degrees and sunny- what a huge gift in November!  I pedaled steady and my peck muscles felt less stressed the second day.  It didn’t feel horrible on Saturday but I could tell the muscle had been cut and they were still healing- surgery was harder than I had thought it would be. 

I figured this past weekend was a good start to get reacquainted with my bike.   If I have no more snafus then I will start my real training again in January.  This year will be so much different than the last.  I am so excited to see where this season will take me.

Geared up for the first ride in over 5 weeks.  Wish I took more pictures but I was focused on riding. 

 

Thank you to those that checked in on me since my last post and for all of you that keep reading. 

S.M.    

I feel like I am pedaling backwards.

The past 5 weeks has been full of intense emotions for me.  Exercise is as essential to my life as air and water.  It is what keeps me moving forward.  It keeps my body and my mind ‘right sized’.   The lack of exercise has been a struggle this go around. 

I had written a post last week but obviously I never posted it.   I was going to update everyone on how well I was doing- because I was.  How excited I was to be cleared to ride on the road- baby steps.  How I was so thrilled to be going to my Pilates instructor training class all weekend.  Well, that all got derailed last Friday and quickly my post became outdated and my spirits took a dive.

I was feeling off last week.  G had been sick so there was a good chance I was fighting something off.  On Thursday afternoon, I had noticed my right breast had red blotchiness on it.  Hmmm, what is this all about?  It was not my radiated side so I was even more puzzled.  I knew I had to follow the protocol.  Take my temperature, keep an eye on it and call the doctor in the morning if it has not cleared up.  Well by the time I got to the doctor on Friday afternoon, I had a low grade fever and felt pretty much like junk.  The blotchiness has spread and DrDP was unimpressed but not panicked- thank goodness.  Part of the anxiety of all of this is the unknown.  What is normal and what is something to worry about?  She had me get blood work done to determine if I had an infection in my blood.  The results were normal.  In fact my white blood cells were the best they have been in a while!  She offered to put me in the hospital for IV antibiotics but that would mean I would be there all weekend through Monday.  I opted for option 2- head home with oral antibiotics and the understanding that if I got worse or there was no improvement come Monday morning, I was going into the hospital.

The weekend was pretty uneventful as I had to cancel a lot of plans.  I felt defeated.   I should have been at my Pilates training class all weekend.  This is something I have been so excited to do and is part of my attempt to start my ‘new’ life.   How was I ever going to make this class up?  Disappointment seems to be running ramped in my life.  I would really like to see some things change for the better.   I have learned a lot throughout this experience and one thing for sure is, I will never take for granted a healthy day and a day free of doctor appointments.

I know what you are thinking.  “Stay positive, be grateful for what you have” Positivity is easy to say when you are on the other side of it and frankly, it doesn’t help to hear that.  I have so many things to be grateful for and I am good with that.  But honestly, I am over it.  I am over feeling like crap and waiting until the next time I can go out and feel good on my bike or a hike or just be myself again.

 

In this land I call the Cancer Vortex- I have met so many amazing women in all shapes and sizes.  Some have been through similar experiences or worse, some are stronger than me, some are suffering horribly, some are even better off than me.   I have started to reach out more to help others and in turn it is helping me.  I will continue to put one foot in front of the other to try to get my spirits back up again.  In the meantime, if you think of it, give me a holler!  It would be great to hear from some of you. 

So far I have managed to keep myself out of the hospital.  I will be heading north to Maine for the Thanksgiving weekend.   I will be visiting some friends and family which should make for many smiles.  I am praying that I stay healthy between now and then and that I remain healthy from this point forward.  I really need to put this latest surgery behind me and get on to some serious or not so serious living! 

Thank you for reading and if I don't get a chance to post before hand-  have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!  

S.M.