The “Wait and See” approach.

I had my follow up appointment with my OBGYN regarding my suspect radiology report.  It was pretty non-eventful as all we did was go over the report together.  This was helpful because I really did not know what it all meant and using ‘Dr Google’ is not always the best way to find your answers.    Bottom line is I have a fibroid or two : one is pretty large.  I also have a couple ovarian cysts.  This is all very common and usually benign findings for women in their 30’s.   But of course- with my history I will be carefully watched and monitored.  After discussing it all, we collectively decided to push back the follow up ultrasound three months and take the “wait and see” approach.  I am not off the hook but nothing appears to be life threatening or even close to it.  Now I just have to not think about it. 

 

The three weeks were up already between my Herceptin treatments.   The side effects were a bit different this time.  I felt much more tired and achy for a couple days.  Friday morning my knees and ankles were really sore when I woke up.  Was it the Herceptin or is it the Tamoxifen?  The runny nose and headaches usually follow two weeks post treatment.  It is worse at the 10 day mark but it all seems pretty manageable in the grand scheme of things.  I am now only seeing my oncologist every other treatment so I did not see her this time.  To be honest, I was relieved.  As much as I like knowing I am being looked after, it adds more time and anxiety to my day.  

Despite my complaints of aches and pains, I am overall feeling really strong.    I have been focusing on my bike training and nutrition and it seems to be paying off.  

   

After the really bad week I shared about in my last post, I was starting to lose faith in the fact that I could do this huge race on June 5th.  If you don’t remember, I am registered for the Bearscat50 - a 50 mile mountain bike race.  It will not be an easy 50 miles either.  The Monday following that bad week, I walked into the Pilates studio feeling tired, weak and discouraged.  My instructor is really amazing.  She has understood my focus from the beginning and she knew something was up with me that day in the studio.  She asked how my training was over the weekend and my reply was basically – minimal at best.  We talked about what was not feeling right while she quickly got me started on one of the machines to stretch out my legs. It took about 15 minutes into the workout but I was already starting to feel better.  She pushed me hard that day and moved me quicker than usual.  Her goal was to energize me with a fast paced core workout to make me feel strong.  She purposely didn’t work my legs hard so I could go out and ride my bike that evening.   Her plan worked and that night I hit the road for an awesome 34 mile solo road ride and felt stronger than I had in a long time.  I owe a lot to this Pilates instructor and for believing in me and giving me her time and guidance.  My recovery would not be the same and I believe it has made a huge difference.  I am so grateful for the opportunity. 

This jump start to the week really helped get me back in the training groove.   I have had a few weeks of great riding and workouts.  

A couple weekends ago, there was a race at Wawayanda in Hewitt, NJ.  It was the first race of the H2H mountain bike series but G and I both decided not to race in it.  I probably could have raced, but I was not ready to put the pressure on just yet.  I felt I needed the training block so instead we decided to head out to the course on Saturday to ride a few loops.  This is the same venue where the Bearscat50 will be so even though the course will be different, it really gave me a reminder of the lay of the land.  While it is not the hardest mountain biking I have ever done, it is certainly one of the more challenging and rocky areas to ride around here.  A mile into the race loop, I felt great.  I had that extra light feeling on the pedals and was coasting through the first set of rock gardens without a hitch.  This course was no joke and there was one technical section after another.  It really made me have to stay focused and be present.     Lap two, maybe I was a little too arrogant from lap one but I was reminded how quickly it can happen.  I hit a rock the wrong way and slid off my bike only to find my right arm ripped up from the rocks.  It was bleeding quite a bit, but surprisingly it did not hurt as bad as it could have.  It stung as I rode on and I was just angry that I fell on something so silly.  I am still frustrated at times with my new body and my new physical restrictions, this put me in a bit of a tizzy for the remainder of the 2^nd lap.  I could tell G was just trying to keep his distance the rest of the lap.  He knows that I usually work this sort of thing out for myself.  Sure enough, I did and lap three was another experience.  While I was a bit more timid on the really gnarly stuff, I still rode well and we ended up with a good 25 miles of technical riding in our legs.  It was a great training day for both of us.  On the way home, G and I actually talked about how I felt after the crash.  The frustration, the anger is all understood and merited at times but crashing on my mountain bike…that is just mountain biking! 

G was riding like a champ that day! 

A new section of trail.

 

I thought I would be too spent on Sunday to ride the dirt so we decided to go for a road ride instead.   Road riding is not easy but it sure has a different effect on the body.  My legs felt tired in the morning but not as bad as I thought they would.  I still had quite a bit of life left in them.  My lungs felt clear despite the horrible pollen in the air and my heart rate felt right on target. We had a great 45 mile road ride on a beautiful sunny day! 

This past weekend we headed down to Pennsylvania for a family visit and of course we brought the bikes.  We are down to the wire here for training and can’t lose a day let alone a weekend.  We had planned to go Friday night.  The overall week and my treatment took more out of me then I anticipated so we decided to get a good night’s rest and head out first thing in the morning.  We drove right to the trail head at Blue Marsh Lake.  This was by no means a technical place to ride but it had plenty of mileage, awesome singletrack and more climbing than we anticipated.  We had such a great time riding there that we decided to head back the following afternoon before driving back to NY.   This was a great plan as we were able to get another solid day of riding in with over 4000 feet of climbing over two days. 

Stopping for a break in this beautiful field. 

Bikes eye view.

So does this all mean I will be ready to race June 5?  I guess we will have to “wait and see”…

Thank you for reading. 

S.M.

Cancerversary Vortex- Week in Review.

Last week was packed with a lot of ups and downs for me.  It was not without some bitter sweet moments, some setbacks and some personal reflection.
 
Last week was one year since my cancer diagnosis. I tried not to let that into my head too much, but the emotion of it was stronger than I had realized.

The week had started off as normal.  I had come off a fantastic weekend of riding bikes. On Monday, I felt I was fighting off a cold or allergies so I tried to take it easy. I was gearing up for a visit from my sister and nephew, which made time for resting not so easy to do. She was coming down that Tuesday night for an annual business trip and would be staying with us for a few days.  I was really looking forward to seeing both my sister and my nephew, Jesse. Between our busy work schedules, not feeling great while fighting off a cold, and a treatment day thrown in the mix, I did not get as much quality time with the two of them as I had hoped.   It is always great just to have my sister around and it is amazing how much my nephew has changed since our last visit.

Last Thursday was a rough day for me.  I did not sleep well the night before and still felt weak from fighting off the cold.  On that day I had my routine follow up with my oncologist followed by my Herceptin treatment.  I felt pretty annoyed that I had to be there.  I can not wait until these treatments are over in August and I can stop having to be reminded every 3 weeks what I have been through.  Some days I can just go into the chemo suite with the blinders on and ignore it all,  but this day was different.  I am sure it had a lot to do with my 1 year anniversary emotions, but I had also just had a frustrating conversation with my oncologist regarding some test results.   Because Tamoxifen (the daily pill I will be taking until 2016) can cause some “issues” down there, my OBGYN ordered a base line ultrasound.   The radiologist report suggested another ultrasound follow up in 6 weeks- It seems that I have a couple things that need monitoring.  Nothing serious- I hope, but my oncologist seemed annoyed that the report didn’t get to her sooner and I was pretty annoyed as well.  She put another order in for the follow up in May and I scheduled an appointment for next week with the OBGYN to discuss the results.  It is most likely nothing, but “with my history,” tests lead to more tests and more tests lead to more anxiety.  This is my new normal and it is still taking me some time to get used to. 

I had trouble focusing the rest of the day at work, so I finished what needed to be done at work and headed out for a ride to try and clear my head.  Unfortunately the trails were soaked from the rainfall earlier that morning and my road bike had a flat.   I did not have the extra mental energy to change the flat, so I decided to head up the Croton Aqueduct on the Singlespeed. This was a better plan: I could spin my legs and still be with nature.  Just me, the woods and my I-pod.  It’s amazing how much better I felt afterward! 

Rockin my Livestrong bracelet my Aunt K gave me a few years back after her diagnosis. 

I hardly rode this past weekend.   I did not feel that great.  I started to get frustrated with the way I was feeling: My allergies/cold had settled in my chest and  that  took a lot  of energy out of me.  I did manage to get myself to ride my usual Friday night social ride- It always makes me smile to ride with the Friday night “BC” crew. I even got a sneak preview of a new trail that had  just been cut.  Fresh cut singletrack…oh so nice!  Saturday morning I rode with G before the rain settled in again. I still didn’t feel quite right.  I ended up deciding to honor my body and  just rest.  I reminded myself of something my plastic surgeon said about recovery being like “peaks and valleys”.  It is a pretty similar concept to training for bike racing. This past week must have been me, stuck climbing one of those recovery peaks. 

About a month ago, one of the local non for profits groups– Support Connection had asked me if I would help them with a video they were working on: They needed a testimonial of  how Support Connection has helped me, and why is it important to have this resource. I was honored and graciously accepted.  It was a way for me to give back for all that I had benefited from their resources and in no way expected a gift in return.  I had already received my gift- the support.  Shortly after finishing the video and settling back at work, I received a phone call offering me two tickets to their annual fundraising Gala as a thank you for all my help.  I had thought about going to the event but I just did not have the extra money.  Fundraiser or not, I just do not have extra cash right now and of course nobody expects me to. It was not only the weekend of my one year cancer anniversary and the weekend my sister was going to be in town- but it was also the night before G’s first bike race of the season Singlespeed A Palooza.  I could not ask him to go to an event with me the night before a race.  He would have gone but I insisted he rested up.  He has made so many sacrifices for me over this past year that I could not ask him to be exhausted before a big race.  I decided to invite my mom. It was a mother daughter night out and we had a great time.    

Sunday morning 6:00 A.M rolled around pretty quickly especially since I didn’t get home until well after midnight.   It was the first race of the season for G so I did not want to miss it.   It had rained all night and into the early morning and the trails were drenched.  Rain or shine, muddy or dry, the race was on! 

I drove so G could mentally prepare.   As we got closer to the race venue, I felt my nerves start kicking in.  I was having my pre bike race buzz and I was not even racing.  That has to be a good sign that mentally I was ready to race again?!  When we pulled into the lot, most of the same cast of characters I remembered from past race seasons were there.  Some I had not seen in a year since last year’s SSAP.  I had brought my singlespeed with me, but mostly for means of transportation around the trails-I had wanted to bike in and take some photos.  I joined G up at the registration booth and bumped into one of the promoters.  The guys at Darkhorse Cycles always put on top notch events and have been very kind to me over the past few years.  After a very warm greeting, he asked if I was racing.  Not today, I didn’t pre-register since I had no clue if I would be ready to race.  I told him that I had the bike buzz driving in and brought my singlespeed with me. He offered me a number and a place in the race- very generous of him and something I wont soon forget.  While I had to really stop and think about it for a minute, I declined.  There was a part of me that wishes that I said yes for at least the purpose of gauging where I am at in my training.  But just the offer made me feel good.  

G trying to catch up to the pack after a 'nature break'. 

Some of the smaller mud features that the racers had to look forward to. 

My guy- mud and smiles after finishing strong.  Great job! 

I did not get my ride in on Sunday, but I was able to be a part of the bike racing scene again.  It also gave me a chance to rest just one more day and finish up the fight I was having with that cold. 

I am just glad the week of the “Cancerversary” is OVER! 

S.M.

Spring Blossoms.

It was April 15, 2010 and my sister was here on an extended business trip.  We had walked into town for some lunch and as a distraction. It was two days after my biopsy and my mind was off in a million places. My eyes wandered around the neighborhood taking in all the beautiful spring colors.  The cherry blossom trees were magnificent last spring.  I had to stop to take this photo- it carries with it a memory that will stay with me forever.  This was only a couple hours before I would receive that phone call from DrB.  The phone call that would change my life as I knew it.  I was so grateful to have my sister with me that day.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have been there to support me during this past year.  It hasn't been easy.  G, my special guy.  I would not have made it this far without you- Team G n R rocks!

S.M.

1 year later...

It was April 2, 2010 and I was sitting in the back waiting room at the woman's imaging center.  I was just waiting outside the radiologists office in my white robe, thinking to myself..how did I get here? I wonder how much longer this will take so I can get a ride in today?  I had just finished having an ultra sound of my breast, followed by 4 or so rounds of mammogram pictures.  The x-ray tech came out of the radiologists office and said  "The doctor just wants a couple more pictures ".  As if my stomach had not already dropped into my knees, this was when I began to get really nervous.  The tech was wonderful and tried to make small talk with me.  She knew.  They all knew.  They saw the cancer in the films but of course would never tell me that without the proper biopsy.


I was called into the Radiologists office. Before I could sit down, I could not help but notice there was images of my breasts everywhere.   She had a stone cold face and began to try and explain the films to me.  While pointing at the images she said "We need to biopsy this.  I don't like anything about it.".  At the time I really had no idea what she meant by "this". Of course we all know how this part of the story unfolds.


It turned out that I had extensive DCIS in my left breast with a 2.3 centimeter invasive cancer tumor attached to it. Life as I knew it changed for me that day.  Everything else just came to a halt.  All that mattered was what was the next step to getting this cancer out of me.  April 13 was my biopsy.  April 15 the biopsy results confirmed invasive breast cancer. MRI- confirmed my need for a mastectomy.  Blood tests; Surgeries; Scans; Chemo; Radiation all leads me up to today, 1 year later. 


This time-line will forever be embedded in my mind.  I hope some of the painful and scary memories will fade with time.  I will never forget completely nor do I think I want to forget.  It is not who I am but it is part of my journey now. 

Meanwhile....

I have been exhausted over the past few weeks.  Just a steady tired feeling.  I am not quite sure what it is all about.  Am I tired from all the extra riding and the full days of work?  I have been riding big rides on the weekends and working out with weights and I have been doing Pilates.  Maybe I just don't recover the same way as I use to.  Maybe it's because I had my ass kicked by all the cancer treatments this past year.  I do hope it is not from my new medication - I am now over 2 months into taking Tamoxifen.  But then again, it could be a combination of all the of the above.


Over the past two weekends G and I have been able to get some great trail riding in.  Here are two photos from a couple weeks back.  It had even snowed a bit that week and it was 29 degrees at the start! It is supposed to be spring!

My guy riding @ Blue

Me, feeling strong.  It was a cold day too.

It was just this past Sunday that I really felt like I have gotten my stability and strength back on the bike.  I am still working on endurance and strength, so speed has not really been my concern -yet.  No photos taken that day....we were too busy pedaling and enjoying the ride.  It was a great day in the woods. Probably the best since before my surgery.


I am hoping for some nice weather this weekend- I need more pedaling time!


Have a great weekend.

S.M.

Thought for the week.

After my cancer diagnosis last April, I received many cards and gifts from loved ones, friends and even strangers.  One of the gifts I received was a book called The Attitudes of Gratitude- How to give and receive joy every day of your life.  At the time, I just looked at the title, thought about it for a minute and decided to put it in the basket in the bathroom for some possible future reading material.  

A few months ago, I picked up the book and randomly opened it up to a page and read it.  Each quote has maybe a page or two of reading to follow.  I have opened up to the same quote a few times now.  

"If you haven't got all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you don't want." -Anonymous.

Maybe it is that my head is in a much different place today, and while they all are pretty inspirational quotes, this particular quote resonated with me the most.  

Having a breast cancer diagnosis at age 36 has taken a lot of things away from me.  Some things more permanently than others.  It's hard not to feel for these losses.  It's also hard not to look at others my age and be envious of the things they have that I might want now or one day in the future.  

Do I have all the things I want?  Of course not, but certainly there are a lot of things out there that I don't want!  Seems so simple but sometimes the simple concepts are the hardest for me to grasp.

S.M.

Spring Training!

G and I were lucky enough to be invited to Florida for a bit of a reprieve.  We graciously accepted, packed up the road bikes and headed south for some spring training.  The change of scenery was exactly what we both needed. 

We flew out late on a Wednesday night. The following morning we woke up to the sound of palm tree leaves blowing outside our window and the birds already singing their summer repertoire.  Ah...vacation.

After a leisurely breakfast, G started to put the bikes back together so we could go ride and explore our new surroundings.  

G unpacking his bike box. 

He put mine together first- what a guy! 

G had done a bit of research about where the best places to ride would be and the conclusion was A1A was the only place to ride.  It runs up and down the coast so there was plenty of miles for us to pedal.  The road is well traveled but has a bike lane 70% of the time and when it doesn't, the shoulder is wide enough to share.  Oh and no potholes! 

There were signs like this everywhere. 

G navigating on our first day out.

Had to stop for the photo opp. 

We had great weather minus one day and it was perfect timing for a rest day.  Pedaling in Florida is as you would imagine- FLAT!  But the wind made up for the lack of hills.  I have forgotten or maybe I really have never experienced what it is like to pedal for 50+ miles non-stop with no coasting or downhills for recovery.  Did I mention the wind?  It always seemed to be the worst heading home.  We would mostly ride in the mornings after breakfast so we could be back to enjoy our leisurely afternoons. 
 

One afternoon, we borrowed the beach-cruisers to go to the market.

My guy on the low-rider with groceries in tow. 

Evening indulgence..it was vacation after all! 

Some afternoons we would just head to the beach.  I was not one for sunbathing as you could imagine my skin has seen enough "rays" for one year.  I was extra cautious to keep covered and wear lots of sun screen! 

Afternoon stroll on the beach.

Making friends.

Seeking shelter from a short rain storm.  We found this great little cafe for lunch. 

Part of our dinner one night.  It was so  nice to have such fresh local veggies! Cooking in was the way to go. 

For the 6 days that we were there, we mostly rode our bikes, relaxed and ate delicious food.  I realized that this was the first time I had been away from my home, overnight since our weekend to Maine over the July 4th.  It was wonderful to step away from it all, but it always feels good to be home again. 


As far as my overall health is concerned, I feel very fortunate to be able to say that I'm feeling stronger every day.  Over 250 miles of road riding really helped to kick my butt into gear.   There will always be something I can complain about-Like these darn tissue expanders!  I still have my headaches and some residual joint aches but I have decided to just convince myself that the joint aches are not from the chemo but from all my riding! 

Here's to the upcoming weekend.  Thanks for reading. 

S.M. 

Here I am!

I have just recently realized how sick I was last year during my treatment.  I know that was probably  pretty obvious to others- and it sounds almost silly saying it out loud, but for me, I just did my best to get through each day no matter how horrible I felt and tried my best to convince myself I was not sick. I would get up in the morning and try to look as if I had eyebrows and eyelashes by putting on make up. And I would then wrap my bald head in a bandanna.  I would try to work at least half a day, attempt to ride my bike and even on the very rare occasion socialize- Cancer can be pretty isolating.  All these memories have hit me hard over the past week.  But the good news is, I have rapidly begun to start to feel like myself before I got sick. I think I remember what it feels like to be me again- Here I am!  

Now, don't mistake this for "I'm over it or that I'm cured", but it is a fantastic feeling to wake up in the morning and not feel like my body has been completely taken over by aliens. 

As I mentioned in my prior posts, I am back to training for the bike racing season.  My legs are starting to remember what fatigue through fitness is all about.  We have lucked out with two great weekends in a row of fairly mild temperatures (anything above 35 degrees is ideal for winter road riding) and we have been able to get the miles in our legs.   This past Saturday we added more miles (46 to be exact) and with a couple more hills.  Sunday was a bit shorter with a few less hills, but my legs were still screaming by the end.  It felt great! 

While work and training are keeping me really busy, I have not been without my share of doctor appointments.  Since my last entry, I have had my biweekly physically therapy appointments, a routine Eco- Cardiogram ( I have them ever 3 months to make sure the Herceptin is not damaging my heart) and a brain CT scan.  Oh, right....I forgot to mention that. Frankly, I debated whether or not I would blog about it at all.  I hardly told anyone I was going in for this scan.  I figured the less energy I gave it, the more likely it would just be another nuisance and not one of my biggest fears.  Plus, I did not feel like worrying anyone.

Why the brain CT?   I had been having these horrible headaches.  Every time I go in for my Herceptin treatment I see my oncologist first.  She gives me a health survey to fill out.  It's more like a two page check list to see what my side effects are.  It ranges from bloody noses, itchy skin, vision problems, bone aches, etc.   Thankfully, most of my side-effects have slowly moved from the Yes column to the No column. Headaches and the random bloody noses have remained in the Yes column.  About 2 months ago my oncologist asked me about these headaches more in depth.  She casually suggested a brain MRI but unfortunately, I can't have an MRI until my tissue expanders are removed.  They have metal in them so it doesn't mix so well with the MRI machine.  Anyway, the next best option is a CT scan.   After a small discussion about when I should get this scan, we decided collectively, that if in two months the headaches were still there, I would get the scan.  So, two months were up.

All in all, it was a pretty uneventful trip to the hospital. But with any of these scans or tests I have had to go through, they are all none the less  very nerve wracking.  I only had to wait 24 hours for the results and it was a relief to hear back from my nurse- "It's confirmed, you have a brain". 

You may be wondering what the doctors were looking for.  Once a patient is diagnosed with Invasive Breast Cancer, it is just that- Invasive.  In my case, it had left the breast tissue and entered my lymphatic system. This is reason number 1 for having all the chemotherapy treatments and radiation.  My biggest fear is that my cancer will come back in an organ or in my bones.  The most common metastases for breast cancer is to the bone, lungs, liver or brain.  The scan was to rule out the obvious and according to the results it appears to have just been a headache.  I have my own theories on what is causing these headaches.  Hercpetin can cause headaches, but it could also be the tension I have had to hold in my shoulders and back since my surgery last May.  I would not be surprised if that was the culprit behind my headaches. 

Of course, none of this will stop me from training, working or living my life to the fullest.

It is now March and while the snow is melting quickly, spring is still a little ways away.  G and I planned a quick getaway down south.  A little spring training and RnR seemed in order for both of us, especially my guy.  Maybe when we get back all the snow will be gone and the woods will be all dried out.....a gal can dream can't she?!