Swinging into the New Year!

The holidays have really taken me for a ride this year.   I had higher expectations for my spirits to be up and my energy to out last all the parties and plans I had made. It really took me a big push to get into the holiday spirit.  Last year, I was at the end of my radiation treatment and pretty exhausted but managed to really pull off a lot more than I did this year or maybe not…maybe it just seems that way.  I must have been functioning in that strange energy of the ‘cancer vortex’ and not even realizing how exhausted I was. 

  

Our holiday has been pretty wonderful and I am grateful for that!  It really started off with G’s birthday mid month and continued on full speed ahead from there.  We have been enjoying the extra socializing with family and friends and the weather has been unseasonably warm so we are getting out on our bikes.  We actually canceled our New Year’s weekend travel plans to stay home.  It is just too much and I am tired.  I want to start the New Year off feeling refreshed.  Besides, training starts um…now!  Got to get my body back in shape and I only have less than 4 months to do it.

 

I thought about reflecting on the past year and trying to write about it.   I sat down and stared at my computer…Nah.  I do not want to look back.  It is only forward from here. 

Stay tuned for what will hopefully be more posts about riding and racing bikes and less about, dare I say it- cancer!

 

Here is to a healthy and peaceful 2012 for all! 

S.M. 

Group ride Christmas Eve- thanks for the photo Bill W!

G and I bumped into a friend during our Christmas morning ride and he snapped our photo- thanks SPP!

Getting back on track.

I have quite a bit of filler I could use to bring you up to date on the past few weeks but I won't bother with every detail.  For the most part, things having been getting better. Just hectic since after Thanksgiving so not much time to write.  Here are some highlights from the weekend in Maine.  

After a very rainy drive, we woke up Thanksgiving morning to this beautiful snowy day. 

Great walk before the feast.

All cleaned up  and ready for dinner. 

At my sisters house with my nephews.  I think D was excited for his Star Wars Legos we brought him.  

J is getting so big!  

Cuddled up with my beautiful sister ♥  It was cold up in Maine!

The most important thing that I can report is I am finally getting back on track.  I am some what superstitious so tend to be hesitant to write these sorts of statements, but I am feeling good.  Some of it must be the further out I get from my last surgery and some of it is me finally jumping off the 'pity pot' and just doing what I know I need to do.  

My new boobs don't quite feel like mine yet.  They feel like more of an accessory most days.  It is not that I have much of a choice right now but I am giving them a chance.  I can't just take them off when they don't feel right. Clothes are fitting better, I am sleeping better and I feel a bit more comfortable on the bike.  My plastic surgeon is pleased with my results and she thinks my healing has finally turned a corner.  She is already discussing the next phase - nipple reconstruction and revisions.  Yes, revisions.  A couple things are just not quite as she would like them.  "I would not want to do anything until at least January" she said on my most recent follow up.  My response was "January 2013 is more of what I had in mind!”. There is no way I can mentally handle another surgery right now or in the near future.  I need to change my focus onto something else. 

I have a heavy but exciting race schedule ahead for next season and it will start in mid April.  I better get my butt in gear.  I have been back in the woods riding when I can to get more comfortable on the bike again.  I also decided to hell with my indoor trainer-it is lonely and boring!   I know, some of you don’t believe in this form of training but I am taking spin classes again.   I enjoy being outdoors so much more but some mornings it is just too damn cold or I do not have enough time.  I push myself more in these classes than I do at home on the trainer by myself.  There are a couple good instructors I know and they teach great classes so I decided to sign up.  It actually may help me focus on finding my speed again.  I know it is too early to really start working on speed for next season but honestly, I have gotten slower than a turtle since my treatments began 20 month ago.

I have been feeling a bit off balance and dizzy for a quite a while now.  I keep telling myself it will go away or get better.  It has not gotten better but it does not seem to have gotten any worse. There is an unwritten rule or saying in the cancer vortex – wait two weeks and in some cases wait a little longer- it may just go away on its own.  I never said anything to my oncologist during my visit back in September but I just had my 3 month follow up last week and thought I should let her know.  There is always that part of me that never wants to say anything because then I may end up with more scans or tests.  What if a scan reveals  something serious like the cancer has returned in my brain?!   Do I really want to know that? That may seem quite extreme to some of you but that is my reality.  It can happen.  I can’t just be clumsy, off my game or have headaches without the fear of recurrence setting in.  Then there is my intellectual side that reminds me that I have to be an advocate for my own health and my doctor only scans on symptoms.  If I don’t say anything, how will she know what is going on.  So, I put it down on the check-list of symptoms.  Of course she asked me about it.  I guess she actually reads that list.  This is a two page check list of symptoms that all patients fill out before the appointment.  98% of my answers were no!  She didn’t seem overly concerned about the dizziness but she did suggest an MRI of my brain just to see what is going on.   I had a CT brain scan this past summer but an MRI is a better scan.  Now that I do not have metal inside me, it is an option.  No radiation involved in an MRI but it is nerve racking non the less.  I managed to talk my way out of it this time and promised if it gets worse, I will call her for the MRI script.  If no changes or it lessons, I will not have to see her until April again for another routine follow up.  We can revisit it then.  Her thoughts on the dizziness was more to due with residual damage from the chemotherapy drug.  Specifically the Taxol.  She mentioned neuropathy as a possible cause and that it could affect the brain.  I had and still have obvious signs of neuropathy in my feet but never really thought about it in my brain.  G was along for this follow up and he asked her if this would get better with time? Her response was- sometimes yes but most of the time if it presents itself, it is a long term side effect.  We were both unimpressed with that answer.  I guess this is what they mean when they say "chemo, the gift that keeps on giving".  Her suggestion was to be careful with running, biking, climbing ladders or anything that I could lose my balance.  Well that is going to be difficult.  I am hoping that the dizziness just goes away. 

Speaking of balance, I am excited to report that I am continuing on with my Pilates certification and had another intense workshop last weekend.  It was so much material and a very advanced class but it felt great to challenge myself again both mentally and physically.  I can’t believe how much of my core strength I have lost in 2 months!  

I do not know who really reads my blog unless they comment on it but every once and a while I get a gentle nudge from a reader or friend who asks why I have not written in a while.  Thank you all for your concerns.   I am getting back on track; back on my bike; back to my daily routine and in turn getting back to feeling more like myself- whatever that is these days. 

Back in the woods. 

I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday season. 

S.M.

On the Horizon.

In an attempt to try and get myself out of my latest funk, I have decided to start planning my 2012 race season.  I am trying to put the focus on something ‘positive’ (there is that word again) and setting my fitness goals.

The upcoming season looks like it is going to start early.  The local H2H series has changed things around a bit.  Our club race, The Chainstretcher, is now the first race of the year when it is usually one of the last races of the year- this should be interesting.  I would have raced it early or late season- it is one my favorite places to ride and it holds a special place in my heart.  I am  not sure if I will be racing cat 1 or 2.  I will have to wait and see as to how my fitness builds this winter.  I may start out in cat 2 just to get my feet wet- in many ways I feel like I am starting over.

 

Only a week after is Single Speed A Palooza!  I love this race.  The first year I raced this was the first annual and the spring that I had met G.  I did not have a single speed bike  yet and he lent me one of his so I could  race.  I knew I had a good one even way back then-  he hardly knew me and he let me race his bike.   

Anyway, back to the race schedule.  I may or may not race the Bearscat 50 again this season.  I will be racing the Dark Horse 40 as it is the 10^th annual and it should not be missed.  Another goal for this season is one I had before my diagnosis- to complete a 100 mile race.  There are two that I am considering but I need to think about which is going to work out best.  Those races are Wilderness 101 and the Shenandoah 100. 

So those are the broad brush strokes for the season as I am undecided on all the races I will be racing in 2012, but what I do know is I have all the hopes to have a strong season ahead.  I have no reason to think that I cannot come back strong and get my speed back. 

So, where am I at with my most recent setbacks, recovery and mood?  I don’t even want to write it but it seems like I am back on track.  Dr DP gave me the go ahead to go hog wild with cardio, just no bouncing or lifting.  That comes  next week.  This was/is interpreted as I get to ride my bike on the road.

I was thrilled with this.  I was feeling better and the weather was supposed to be fabulous.  G and I decided to rest up Friday night and lay low. Shortly after dinner I was not feeling so well.  I was nauseated and could not figure out why.  The only thing I could think was I took my antibiotics right after dinner and my thought was that maybe it didn’t mix well.  Sure didn’t- I was sick most of the night throwing up.  Really?! 

I felt much better in the morning and there was no way that I was going to miss my chance to ride.  G helped me get my ‘mango ride’ all set up for my ride on the North County Trail.  This is the bike that has been with me the longest.  It is my forever faithful and I thought it fitting to take her out first.  I figured it best to take the mountain bike since I would not  ‘bounce’ and I could still get my pedal in without having the discomfort of reaching for the lower bars and brakes on my road bike.  It was a great plan and I was able to enjoy back to back days of riding this past weekend.   I felt even better the second day besides being over dressed for the warm weather.  It was 65 degrees and sunny- what a huge gift in November!  I pedaled steady and my peck muscles felt less stressed the second day.  It didn’t feel horrible on Saturday but I could tell the muscle had been cut and they were still healing- surgery was harder than I had thought it would be. 

I figured this past weekend was a good start to get reacquainted with my bike.   If I have no more snafus then I will start my real training again in January.  This year will be so much different than the last.  I am so excited to see where this season will take me.

Geared up for the first ride in over 5 weeks.  Wish I took more pictures but I was focused on riding. 

 

Thank you to those that checked in on me since my last post and for all of you that keep reading. 

S.M.    

I feel like I am pedaling backwards.

The past 5 weeks has been full of intense emotions for me.  Exercise is as essential to my life as air and water.  It is what keeps me moving forward.  It keeps my body and my mind ‘right sized’.   The lack of exercise has been a struggle this go around. 

I had written a post last week but obviously I never posted it.   I was going to update everyone on how well I was doing- because I was.  How excited I was to be cleared to ride on the road- baby steps.  How I was so thrilled to be going to my Pilates instructor training class all weekend.  Well, that all got derailed last Friday and quickly my post became outdated and my spirits took a dive.

I was feeling off last week.  G had been sick so there was a good chance I was fighting something off.  On Thursday afternoon, I had noticed my right breast had red blotchiness on it.  Hmmm, what is this all about?  It was not my radiated side so I was even more puzzled.  I knew I had to follow the protocol.  Take my temperature, keep an eye on it and call the doctor in the morning if it has not cleared up.  Well by the time I got to the doctor on Friday afternoon, I had a low grade fever and felt pretty much like junk.  The blotchiness has spread and DrDP was unimpressed but not panicked- thank goodness.  Part of the anxiety of all of this is the unknown.  What is normal and what is something to worry about?  She had me get blood work done to determine if I had an infection in my blood.  The results were normal.  In fact my white blood cells were the best they have been in a while!  She offered to put me in the hospital for IV antibiotics but that would mean I would be there all weekend through Monday.  I opted for option 2- head home with oral antibiotics and the understanding that if I got worse or there was no improvement come Monday morning, I was going into the hospital.

The weekend was pretty uneventful as I had to cancel a lot of plans.  I felt defeated.   I should have been at my Pilates training class all weekend.  This is something I have been so excited to do and is part of my attempt to start my ‘new’ life.   How was I ever going to make this class up?  Disappointment seems to be running ramped in my life.  I would really like to see some things change for the better.   I have learned a lot throughout this experience and one thing for sure is, I will never take for granted a healthy day and a day free of doctor appointments.

I know what you are thinking.  “Stay positive, be grateful for what you have” Positivity is easy to say when you are on the other side of it and frankly, it doesn’t help to hear that.  I have so many things to be grateful for and I am good with that.  But honestly, I am over it.  I am over feeling like crap and waiting until the next time I can go out and feel good on my bike or a hike or just be myself again.

 

In this land I call the Cancer Vortex- I have met so many amazing women in all shapes and sizes.  Some have been through similar experiences or worse, some are stronger than me, some are suffering horribly, some are even better off than me.   I have started to reach out more to help others and in turn it is helping me.  I will continue to put one foot in front of the other to try to get my spirits back up again.  In the meantime, if you think of it, give me a holler!  It would be great to hear from some of you. 

So far I have managed to keep myself out of the hospital.  I will be heading north to Maine for the Thanksgiving weekend.   I will be visiting some friends and family which should make for many smiles.  I am praying that I stay healthy between now and then and that I remain healthy from this point forward.  I really need to put this latest surgery behind me and get on to some serious or not so serious living! 

Thank you for reading and if I don't get a chance to post before hand-  have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!  

S.M. 

Sometimes, I am Wonder Woman!

I went in for surgery with the hopes of having a sense of closure to this whole process. Instead it was as if I had stepped right back into the throes of some old “cancer vortex” emotions.  This was not how I thought I would feel.

   

I woke up from surgery,  feeling groggy and sore, which I had expected.  As far as I could tell at that time- surgery went as planned.  My port was gone and so were the expanders.  DrDP said that all went well-phew! The radiated side was her biggest challenge as she had predicted.  The radiation caused a lot of damage to that area but she worked her magic.  She was able to get the implant into the ‘pocket’ and move my right breast pocket over to even things out.  She thinks we can both be very happy with the outcome.  Needless to say, I have more bruising on the radiated side than my prophylactic side.   I got a quick peek in the hospital before I was discharged.  DrDP wanted to see how things looked before she sent me home.  She wanted to check the incisions first , so she undid my surgical bra.  I was so nervous to look down.  When I did, I couldn’t help but start to cry.  Even with all the swelling, they looked more real than I thought they would.  My cleavage was back- well, sort of and they fell a lot more natural than the expanders.  Of course I am still without nipples- reconstruction is a long process.

 

G took me home to rest which is exactly what I did for the next few days.  I was a lot sorer than I had thought. I forgot how surgery messes with your whole body including your mind.  I had hopes for the weekend of going for a nice Fall drive with G and maybe the movies. But when the weekend rolled around,  I didn’t want to do any of it.  I was quickly slipping into a bit of a depression.  It took me a day or two to realize it but it became clear on Monday when I was home alone. 

I was able to shower after 48 hours but waited an extra day.   Mostly because I was too tired and dizzy from the pain medicine, which then triggered my vertigo.  I think I was also not really ready to see my new boobs in the mirror.  Body image has always played a large part in the process.  Up until now, it has all been temporary so I was not as attached to the outcome.  This time, this is it.  It is what I got. 

All the feelings started to come back.  It is as if this surgery stirred up dormant emotions of isolation, fear and sadness.  I was home alone a lot over that first week so that did not help.  I couldn’t drive yet and was instructed not to walk anywhere either.  Because I work from home, I always try to get out and about during the day so I have some sort of social interaction with the outside world.

 

The fear - did I make the right decision to have reconstruction?  Had I opted out, I would have nothing to recover from.  Will I heal well and will the implant settle in comfortably or will I need more surgery? 

The sadness crept back.  Being cooped up at home by myself just reminded me of all I had been through.  It may be the end of this chapter but for those that have not been following along closely; this has really been hard for me and the ones closest to me.  G has been there by my side every step and we are both exhausted.  “You are in the home stretch” they tell me.   Am I?

I slowly started to come around.  I am beginning to get use to the new view and feel of my new body.  The swelling has come down – for the most part and my vertigo has subsided. My mind is getting clearer every day. 

I had my one week post surgical follow up with DrDP and she was pleased with how well I was healing.  I was relieved to hear this and even more relieved that I do not have to wear that surgical bra anymore!  I will see her again in two weeks.  We will hopefully be discussing my future exercise plans.  In the meantime, light walking is it.  Very light walking.

Over the weekend, G and I went to our friends Halloween party.  It was a last minute decision. If you recall, I have a thing for my super hero alter ego, Wonder Woman.  I already had the Wonder Woman costume.  And when I went costume shopping I could not find anything new that was comfortable, so Wonder Woman it was.  I had some pain that night but it was worth it being out with some friends and enjoying myself.  I actually wore one of my wigs from treatment when I had no hair- I never wore out in public when I was bald.  Some party goers were shocked when I told them it was a wig.  It’s funny to me how confident I was wearing that wig that night when I actually had hair underneath. 

So glad there was a good excuse to put on the costume.  

It is amazing how different I feel after only 10 days post surgery.  I am sure now that I am able to get out more regularly, I will just feel better every day and as soon as I am able to have some sort of exercise – I’ll be back to my old self in no time.

   

Thanks for reading.

S.M. 

Bring 'em on!

I am so excited to report that I have had an awesome week of riding!  The weather has been cooperating nicely so the trails have been perfect!  I have been feeling stronger, faster and more confident every day.  This is all great news BUT as you know, I am having my exchange surgery tomorrow and have no idea how long it will take me to get back to this point again.  I do know that if I can get it back once - I can do it again.  It doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

 

Today was my third solo ride in a row.  As far as I could tell, I was the only person at Graham Hills this morning.  I pulled into the parking lot and it was empty. No bikers, no hikers, no dog walkers.  It was just me and the woods.  As usual I saw a few dozen chipmunks and squirrels that tried to play chicken with my front wheel and I startled a couple deer coming through the meadow.  I was in my groove and feeling actual speed in my legs for the first time in a while.  Just when I started to feel a sense of panic about my surgery taking that away, there it was.  The eagle (or hawk, not sure) swooped down over the trail in front of me and perched on a tree and watched me as I pedaled by.  This is the same bird that I have seen in Graham on other solo occasions.  It is always in the morning and once I even saw it swoop down and grab a huge squirrel off the trail in front of me and fly away with it!  Every time I see this bird, it is at a moment when I could use the reminder to reconnect with my spirituality.  When I need to be enjoying the moment and not worrying about what is ahead.  I have always viewed the woods as my grounding place and like the other mornings, this brought me the peace I needed today. 

Bring on my new boobs!!! 

S.M. 

Preparation.

I have been very anxious about my upcoming surgery.  I have been mostly nervous worrying about all the things that could go wrong:  I have to stop doing that to myself-it can’t be good for my health.
 

 I met with my plastic surgeon last week and I am really glad I did.  I needed to hear from her again what was going to take place during the surgery and what to expect after.  I needed to hear the confidence in her voice when she told me she has all the reasons to believe that my surgery will go well and that I will be more than happy with the results.  Knowing she cannot really ‘guarantee’ this outcome, I still left her office with a huge sense of relief.  And dare I say excitement. 

  

With roughly a week until my surgery and my anxiety sort of under control, I have been getting into preparation mode.  While my recovery is expected to be easier than the first surgery, I am still going to be down for a period of time.  It really hit me that I will have at least two weeks of doing a whole lot of nothing.  I can hopefully get back to work by the following Monday but I am also on full restriction- No exercise and no lifting of anything weighing more than a gallon of milk.  I remember back to my first surgery and how some of the daily activities were so difficult or just were impossible after surgery.  Cooking, laundry, picking up around the house- all of this will become a challenge again or just not get done. Obviously, there will be no biking of any kind for at least a month.  I will just have to find something else to do with my time…..

Besides a few pre- surgical doctor appointments, I have been going about my business- it has been a pretty regular routine for me.  I have been working a ton and trying to get in as much riding as possible.  It has been so incredibly rainy this season,  so getting out in the woods has been spotty at best.   I cannot remember a time when the woods were so saturated.  I have managed though and even have hit the road a bit which can be a great time with the right people. 

Taking a break after a brutal climb.

What was to be a mellow 30-40 mile ride turned into a near 60 miles with many hills and each hill seemed to be harder than the next. 

While the weather looks near perfect for the week ahead, fall has arrived.  I decided this was the right time to swap out my summer wardrobe.  As I pulled out the first bin under the bed, I opened it up and there it was- my bra collection!  It might as well have jumped out and grabbed me like the boogie man.  Why have I put all my bras away?  Simply, they do not fit over my tissue expanders and frankly they are uncomfortable and unnecessary.  These rocks do not move, even when I mountain bike!  The not so simple explanation is I got sick of opening my top draw and seeing them.  It was a memory that I was not ready to look at yet.  Some things still sting.  So while I may be getting my new ‘boobs’ in a week, they are not my old ones.  Those were pretty fabulous if I can say so myself. 

 

Bras will return in my future but chances are I will be shopping for some new ones.

S.M.