Have I lost my edge?

I am starting to believe that I might just like training more than I like racing or maybe I just enjoy riding my bike without all the pressure of a good performance?  I am sure it is a combination of all of the above but something feels different for me this year.  I am having a hard time getting in the ‘game’.  I know a lot of you are thinking “give yourself a break considering all that you have been through this past year”.  I hear that and I understand that but have I lost my edge?  Will it come back?  I keep wondering when I’ll get my speed back and when will I feel like I can get out in front again.  

I have not done any races since the Bearscat50 and maybe that was a mistake.  Hindsight, I probably could have used the extra intensity that racing gives me.  But after some thought, I decided I didn’t want to forfeit my Saturday rides to race on Sundays.   It seemed more important to me to just ride.  This past Sunday, G and I headed up to Stewart to pre-ride the Darkhorse 40 race course.  We knew it would be marked, so we decided to invite our good friends along.  They had never ridden there and since the course was marked, we would not get us all lost. They do not race but love riding new trails.  They are also a lot of fun to be with.  While riding, Kim and I had a conversation about how great it is to just be out riding and how the racing will come back.  Her conclusion was - This year is just all about enjoying the ride and next year will be my season to go big again.   She is probably right about that.  I am truly still recovering from the years events.  I wish the only thing that I had to do these days was focus on my fitness but the reality is, I am still trying to pick up the other pieces of my life that got shattered because of cancer. 

The Darkhorse 40 is this Sunday.  As I mentioned, I will be racing it on my single speed.  I have been riding the SS almost exclusively since it was built up last month.  It is probably the most comfortable fitting bike that I have for this type of race course.  But feel free to ask me again at the end of a 40 mile race…..I know that I am ready for the distance of the race but it is a much faster course then the Bearscat50 was.  It it is all going to depend on how I feel that morning.  I have to get my Herceptin treatment this Thursday so there is just no telling how the days following will go.  

So it is off to the races we go- Wish me luck!

S.M.

Trying to find balance: is it ever really possible?

Out of my handful of doctors, I have/had a Dr. A., Dr. B and a doctor D.  I have been joking all along that all I was missing is a Dr. C. 

Well, not any more- Meet Dr. C. my new GYN that has taken over as one of my many watchful eyes.  I had a follow up appointment with him last week to go over my most recent ultra sound results from the end of last month.  I had no reason to be overly concerned, as I had received a copy of the report from my oncologist when I went in for my Herceptin treatment.  She didn’t seem too worried.  Her response was matter of factly-“they are going to continue to torture you with these follow up tests.”   She then wrote out a script for yet another ultra sound follow up. 

She was right about the constant torture of being poked and probed, because Dr. C. is a bit concerned with the most recent findings.  Among many potential side effects that Tamoxifen can cause, the thickening of the endometrial lining is one of them.  In a rare case this can lead to endometrial or uterine cancer.  This is one of the things they are monitoring when I get these ultra sounds.   The new findings show mine has almost doubled in size in 3 months.   This could be my body just trying to adjust to the Tamoxifen or it could mean that my body is up to no good.  

I am scheduled for an endometrial biopsy in two weeks.  I really wish I did not have to take this drug.  I would be lying if I told you that this biopsy did not scare me.  Frankly, it is causing me a bit of anxiety to have to go in for this biopsy- The last biopsy I had on April 13^th of 2010 set off a whole chain of events, so I am still a bit gun shy if you know what I mean.   

  

I really should not complain because none of this is really hindering me physically, so I am able to work full time again and ride my bike as much as time permits.   G and I have been enjoying the summer and have had some awesome rides trying to get ourselves ready for the next big race.  The Dark Horse 40 is less than two weeks away and I have officially switched my entry so that I will be racing my single speed.   

G took this photo during a great day in the woods.  You should be able to view larger if you click on it. 

My sister has been down from Maine since the end of June and will continue to be here until the first week of August working her summer job.   It has been so awesome getting to spend time with her and my nephew Jesse.  I feel so lucky to get this extra time with them both.   Last year was so different for us since she was pregnant and I was sick or recovering the whole time.  

Me and Jesse -4th of July

 

Despite these new findings and feeling like I am still stuck in the ‘cancer vortex’, I have found comfort in the fact that those days are becoming fewer and farther apart.  I am not immersed in it all every moment of everyday.   Still trying to find that balance.   

Taking in the sunset together on the Hudson River.  

Recovery and Updates.

The past couple of weeks since the Bearscat  has been all about rest and recovery for me.  I still rode a little but not with any real intensity.  I had  caught a nasty head cold the week following the race, so I tried to take it easy and honor my body.  I have made my body work extra hard this year and I owed it a little break. 

Feeling well rested, the break is over and I am back to training with some focus on my speed.   This was the least important thing for me during the past 5 months.  I have put the base miles in my legs so now it’s time to ramp things up a bit. 

During this recovery period, our local mountain bike club- WMBA- had their annual Fat Tire Festival at Blue Mountain Reservation in Peekskill, NY. I look forward to this event every year.  I was unable to ride last year, as I was only 2 weeks post op and could hardly move. So this years attendance meant a lot more to me than normal.   

I had volunteered to lead the woman's ride again.  My friends Helen and Kim helped as we took 12 women into the woods.  For some, this was their first time on real single track and rocks were not something they considered 'rolling'.

Just look up and don't hit the brakes! 

And away she goes....

Helen took some photos, while Kim and I stood at the base of this rock shouting out encouragement to the beginner rider.   I'm so glad that Helen caught this moment because that is what leading that ride is all about for me:  Giving at least one woman the confidence on her bike that she may not have gotten on her own.  She did her first rock roll down and I was so proud of her.  When I saw her later on that day at the festival, she was still smiling. 

 

 

YES, she did it! 

We were all smiles that day at the festival.

What a great day!  ♥

I am feeling pretty good these days.  I have been hearing from a lot of people comments like, “you look so great”, “wow, you would never have known...”.   While all those complements feel great, I have to remind people that it was a lot of work to get my physical self back together.  The hair was going to grow, that was a given but the extra chemo weight and building up my strength again was all me.  I had a lot of help and motivation from G and I still can’t say enough good things about the pilates program through Body Wise Connection: what Joy has done for me has been really tremendous.  Now if I could just have the emotional healing catch up to the physical healing…..

It seems all my 3 month doctor follow ups hit at the same time.  It started with a follow up appointment with my breast surgeon.  I am happy to say I have nothing to report there. All looks good- phew.  The following week I had my routine Echocardiogram and according to the tech “you have a beautiful heart”.  Aw, shucks! But seriously, this is a very good thing to hear.  The Adriamicyn (the red devil chemo drug) and the Herceptin both have a very high cardiac toxicity so hearing those words is a relief.  It also means I was clear for my Herceptin treatment last week.   I did not have to see my oncologist so I was in and out of the chemo suite as fast as they could move me.  The next follow up was last Friday with my plastic surgeon.  All looks good there as well.  We spoke mostly about the next steps in the breast reconstruction process- no, I am not done!  We discussed what the procedure would be like to exchange my tissue expanders with the silicone implants. She even let me hold some sample implants to see what they feel like.  They are so much softer than what I have now and I can’t wait!  Well actually, I can wait.  I am choosing to wait until October to have my exchange surgery for two main reasons.  First, it is summer and I do not want to be off the bike again.  I lost last summer because of surgery and chemo and I am not willing to give that up on purpose.  Second, the longer my skin has to heal from radiation, the better chance I will have for a successful surgery.  There is always a 50% chance that the new implant will not work out for me because of the radiation.  I knew this but it is still a tough statistic to swallow.  I am just keeping positive and I will continue to take this whole process one step at a time. 

In the meantime, I plan on continuing to enjoy my summer. 

S.M.

The race is in the books and for sure in my legs!

I had my own expectations for Sunday but I was careful not to set them too high.   My major goal on Sunday was to show up at the start line and race my own race to the finish: mission accomplished!

It felt so great to be at the start line again with all the familiar faces.  This particular race, unlike most of the races I have done, did not break off into age groups or separate categories.  It was what they call an Open Class.  That means I lined up next to everyone from the pro-racers as well as all the strong Cat. 1 racers and intermediate racers.  I was not intimidated by the competition as for the most part, they were all just happy to see me there. The encouragement that I have received from the majority of  ladies has been overwhelming.

This time at the starting line, something felt different for me.  Before my diagnosis, I would line up at the start of a race feeling more pressure on myself to have a good result.  That pressure has shifted probably because my definition of a good result has changed.  I set out on my race on Sunday not really caring about what place I finished, but instead my focus was on finishing the race feeling strong and enjoying the ride.  It was so hard not to give it some extra gas and chase the masses.  It took some discipline on my behalf to hold back which also meant I was solo for most of the race.  I had never done a race this long and frankly, I had no clue if my body would fail me that day.  The night before I had G set up my cycling computer on my bike.  I normally only use one for riding out on the road but I needed a way to time my nutrition and gauge my timing so I would be sure to make the time cut offs that the race promoter put into effect for the safety of the racers.  The first cut off was 4 hours at the 25 mile mark.  I pulled into the 25 mile mark feeling surprising strong and in 3.5 hours.  I was pleased.  While I lost some time on the second half of the race, I just kept moving forward.  As my friend Jocelyn said “Just keep moving forward no matter what the pace”.  I must have used that as a constant mantra after mile 35.  Around mile 42 I had some extra pep in my pedals and I am still not sure if it was because I caught up to two girls or if it was the motivation to be finished with the race:  7.5 hours is a long time to be on your bike!

I was feeling the fatigue on the climbs toward the end but I still felt I was holding my own in the technical.   As I approached mile 46, I knew  it was mostly all fire-road.  I knew it was coming, but the second time around it seemed to go on forever!  I started to get some cramping in my inner thighs and my neuropathy had settled into my right foot.  "You are almost there Reba…just keep pedaling"- I told myself.  I inhaled some energy blocks and water and asked my legs to hold on for just a couple miles longer.  The fire road ended and I was on the paved road toward the finish line.  I could see the people all there and I could hear them cheering.  I could hear my name and at that moment I could no longer feel the pain in my legs or my foot.  I only felt the huge smile across my face and the tears: I cried when I crossed the finish line.  I was so proud of myself at that moment.  I have overcome so much over the past year that finishing this race meant more to me than I could ever express in words.

Smiles and tears crossing the finish line.

It is so good to be back in the ‘scene’ again.  Next big race is the Darkhorse 40 on July 31.  I may actually race that on my single speed.  Until then, I will just keep enjoying the ride.

Thank you for reading and for all your faith in me.


S.M.

It’s time to zip up the suit…

 

It’s time to zip up the wonder woman suit.  I need all the” super muscles” that I can muster up at this point in the game.  The countdown to the big race is here.  The Bearscat50 is this Sunday, June 5.  Not only is it my first race back post cancer diagnosis, but it is the longest race I have ever done. And it happens to fall on national cancer survivors day. For me the race will be about celebrating life.   I have a lot of friends and loved ones that I will be riding for on Sunday.  

Am I ready? I am as ready as I am going to be.  The thing about fitness is, you either have it or you don’t.  I have received some solid advice from some of my friends that  I look up to in the racing world and I’ve noted all of it!  “Hydrate and eat on schedule” , “keep moving forward, no matter what the pace “and “it’s us vs. the course, pace yourself”- just to name a few

My father offered up his own parental advice. “Remember you are a winner when you get to the starting line”.  Right, well…tell that to my ego.  

Sunday  is going to be a really hard day both mentally and physically for me. While I have been through a lot over the past year, one would think I would be able to dig deep and get through it. The thing is, I have been digging deep all year long- it has been a push for me. Let us see if I can translate all I have been through back into the bike.

Wish me luck!  

S.M.

Bon Appetit!

Today is one year since my surgery. I thought I would have a lot to say but I have been at a loss for words.

After my surgery last year, a friend sent me a box of awesome cookies to help with the recovery and my spirits. They were all decorated butter cookies (my favorite) and amongst the batch, was a personalized cookie.

Straight from the box.

I could not bare to eat it. I took a photo of it and decided to freeze it for my one year anniversary.

I pulled it out of the freezer last night in preparation of today.

Defrosting.

After my evening pedal, I will be sharing my special cookie with G and saying a big "F U to cancer".


Last year cancer took my breasts from me but today I have my health!

Bon Appetit!

S. M.

The “Wait and See” approach.

I had my follow up appointment with my OBGYN regarding my suspect radiology report.  It was pretty non-eventful as all we did was go over the report together.  This was helpful because I really did not know what it all meant and using ‘Dr Google’ is not always the best way to find your answers.    Bottom line is I have a fibroid or two : one is pretty large.  I also have a couple ovarian cysts.  This is all very common and usually benign findings for women in their 30’s.   But of course- with my history I will be carefully watched and monitored.  After discussing it all, we collectively decided to push back the follow up ultrasound three months and take the “wait and see” approach.  I am not off the hook but nothing appears to be life threatening or even close to it.  Now I just have to not think about it. 

 

The three weeks were up already between my Herceptin treatments.   The side effects were a bit different this time.  I felt much more tired and achy for a couple days.  Friday morning my knees and ankles were really sore when I woke up.  Was it the Herceptin or is it the Tamoxifen?  The runny nose and headaches usually follow two weeks post treatment.  It is worse at the 10 day mark but it all seems pretty manageable in the grand scheme of things.  I am now only seeing my oncologist every other treatment so I did not see her this time.  To be honest, I was relieved.  As much as I like knowing I am being looked after, it adds more time and anxiety to my day.  

Despite my complaints of aches and pains, I am overall feeling really strong.    I have been focusing on my bike training and nutrition and it seems to be paying off.  

   

After the really bad week I shared about in my last post, I was starting to lose faith in the fact that I could do this huge race on June 5th.  If you don’t remember, I am registered for the Bearscat50 - a 50 mile mountain bike race.  It will not be an easy 50 miles either.  The Monday following that bad week, I walked into the Pilates studio feeling tired, weak and discouraged.  My instructor is really amazing.  She has understood my focus from the beginning and she knew something was up with me that day in the studio.  She asked how my training was over the weekend and my reply was basically – minimal at best.  We talked about what was not feeling right while she quickly got me started on one of the machines to stretch out my legs. It took about 15 minutes into the workout but I was already starting to feel better.  She pushed me hard that day and moved me quicker than usual.  Her goal was to energize me with a fast paced core workout to make me feel strong.  She purposely didn’t work my legs hard so I could go out and ride my bike that evening.   Her plan worked and that night I hit the road for an awesome 34 mile solo road ride and felt stronger than I had in a long time.  I owe a lot to this Pilates instructor and for believing in me and giving me her time and guidance.  My recovery would not be the same and I believe it has made a huge difference.  I am so grateful for the opportunity. 

This jump start to the week really helped get me back in the training groove.   I have had a few weeks of great riding and workouts.  

A couple weekends ago, there was a race at Wawayanda in Hewitt, NJ.  It was the first race of the H2H mountain bike series but G and I both decided not to race in it.  I probably could have raced, but I was not ready to put the pressure on just yet.  I felt I needed the training block so instead we decided to head out to the course on Saturday to ride a few loops.  This is the same venue where the Bearscat50 will be so even though the course will be different, it really gave me a reminder of the lay of the land.  While it is not the hardest mountain biking I have ever done, it is certainly one of the more challenging and rocky areas to ride around here.  A mile into the race loop, I felt great.  I had that extra light feeling on the pedals and was coasting through the first set of rock gardens without a hitch.  This course was no joke and there was one technical section after another.  It really made me have to stay focused and be present.     Lap two, maybe I was a little too arrogant from lap one but I was reminded how quickly it can happen.  I hit a rock the wrong way and slid off my bike only to find my right arm ripped up from the rocks.  It was bleeding quite a bit, but surprisingly it did not hurt as bad as it could have.  It stung as I rode on and I was just angry that I fell on something so silly.  I am still frustrated at times with my new body and my new physical restrictions, this put me in a bit of a tizzy for the remainder of the 2^nd lap.  I could tell G was just trying to keep his distance the rest of the lap.  He knows that I usually work this sort of thing out for myself.  Sure enough, I did and lap three was another experience.  While I was a bit more timid on the really gnarly stuff, I still rode well and we ended up with a good 25 miles of technical riding in our legs.  It was a great training day for both of us.  On the way home, G and I actually talked about how I felt after the crash.  The frustration, the anger is all understood and merited at times but crashing on my mountain bike…that is just mountain biking! 

G was riding like a champ that day! 

A new section of trail.

 

I thought I would be too spent on Sunday to ride the dirt so we decided to go for a road ride instead.   Road riding is not easy but it sure has a different effect on the body.  My legs felt tired in the morning but not as bad as I thought they would.  I still had quite a bit of life left in them.  My lungs felt clear despite the horrible pollen in the air and my heart rate felt right on target. We had a great 45 mile road ride on a beautiful sunny day! 

This past weekend we headed down to Pennsylvania for a family visit and of course we brought the bikes.  We are down to the wire here for training and can’t lose a day let alone a weekend.  We had planned to go Friday night.  The overall week and my treatment took more out of me then I anticipated so we decided to get a good night’s rest and head out first thing in the morning.  We drove right to the trail head at Blue Marsh Lake.  This was by no means a technical place to ride but it had plenty of mileage, awesome singletrack and more climbing than we anticipated.  We had such a great time riding there that we decided to head back the following afternoon before driving back to NY.   This was a great plan as we were able to get another solid day of riding in with over 4000 feet of climbing over two days. 

Stopping for a break in this beautiful field. 

Bikes eye view.

So does this all mean I will be ready to race June 5?  I guess we will have to “wait and see”…

Thank you for reading. 

S.M.