Endurance training and sweet Sunday mornings.

Recovery has been as my doctors described to me, up and down with peaks and valleys. I have found this to be true not only with the physical but the mental as well. I’ve tried to put this into something that I can relate to and of course cycling comes to mind. So far it’s been like one of my long training rides on the road bike. I need to stay steady on the up hills as they are harder and take up a lot more of my energy especially since I’m right at the beginning stage of my training. As I crest the top of a grueling climb, I have to talk myself into it and remind myself that I’m a strong woman and that I can do this even though I can feel the lactic acid burning in my legs. Before I know it, I’m over the top and now I can spin out my legs to recover and get ready to charge the next hill. As time passes I will start to feel stronger each day and those hills that I dread won’t seem as difficult and I will get up them quicker and with greater ease. I have already made a big leap in my recovery the past four days. While still totally wiped out at the end of the day or even in the middle of the day, I am able to do a little bit more and go a little bit longer. Just like endurance training.



Today was a sweet Sunday morning. I woke up to the smell of fresh brewing coffee and the sound of shuffling about in the kitchen. I slowly pealed myself out of the bed, walked into the kitchen to see that my amazing guy is not only pouring me a cup of coffee but he is making my favorite. Whole wheat waffles with fresh blueberries. This was his first attempt at my recipe and dare I say, they may have even been better than when I make them…..After enjoying our morning together discussing a few odds and ends we decided to head into town for walk. Although we had just had some coffee at the house, we decided to venture to The Coffee Labs for a latte. It’s Sunday and a little extra coffee can’t hurt. This was my first walk into town and I am happy to report it was a success. Hope the weather holds so I might try for an afternoon stroll sans coffee as would not want to overdo it!

How does this happen?

Frozen in the freezer- will defrost when the time is right.

Yesterday I went to see Dr. B for my one week follow up since the surgery. I’ve made some progress. Both pain drips are out and 1 of the 4 drains are removed. It still doesn’t seem like much but my doctor assures me I’m doing well and I’m healing nicely. Trying to taper off of the narcotics as my body is screaming for some relief along with my mind. The pain is still there and it makes is so hard to get and stay comfortable for a nights rest. I knew I was beginning to feel better this morning when I was trying to talk my body into rolling over on my side. Sleeping on my belly is still a far away dream but sleeping on my side and being able to cuddle up with G is maybe only a few short weeks away. Maybe…The simple things I’ve always taken for granted: making coffee; pouring milk in my cereal; getting dressed; taking a shower; putting my hair in a ponytail.…I could go on but every day that I can do one of those things by myself, I know I’m closer to being me again. In the meantime, I’m grateful to my friends and family and of course to G for all the extra help they offer me to feel as normal as I can. All the healing vibes and prayers really are helping.

The follow up yesterday was also when I received my final pathology report. About what I expected but still felt it as another blow. It sealed the deal. I have stage 3 breast cancer. My tumor was larger than they expected and 5 out of the 18 lymph nodes were positive for cancer. I guess it could be worse….I could have 6 or 10 or even 18! I will go for a full body scan in two weeks or so once my body can handle it. Treatments, many treatments will follow in about a month’s time. I heard the doctor tell me all of this and I listen and took it all in….than I ask her “what is my prognosis?” Dr B. answers “very good as we have the treatments that work”. It still doesn’t change the facts but it does keep me hopeful. How does a 36 year old woman like me end up with stage 3 cancer? I ask myself and the doctor this question. I may never know the real answer to that question and it really doesn’t matter. What does matter to me is that other women out there know how important it is to get early screenings and do self breast exams. I have been healthy all my life and had I not found this lump while doing a self exam, I would have not gone for a mammogram. My healthy body was a perfect shell for this cancer to breed. Not anymore. The tumor is at least out of me and can’t do any more damage. I will continue to get my strength back from my surgery and I will get ready for the next battle. It will challenge my mind as well as my body but I can do it. I have to do it. There is no choice but move forward or the cancer wins and I will NOT let cancer take me down.

"It goes to eleven.."

Back tracking a bit as I’ve missed a few days…..

Tuesday night was the night before surgery. It was 6 days ago but it feels like a month has passed. I was able to squeeze in a quick evening ride on the mountain bike with some friends followed by a fun evening out at Tomatillo, my favorite Mexican joint in Dobbsferry. I had gone back and forth on wanting to keep the night to just G and I but being surrounded by good people and yummy food was the best way to go.

I had to check into the hospital at 7:30 Wednesday morning for a bunch of pre-op stuff. Some I’m sure are routine for every surgery but since I had 3 surgeries planned there was a few other things that needed to be done. My surgeons had to “mark” my breasts with permanent marker to use as a guide during the procedure; they also had to inject my left breast with radioactive die that will help them during the lymph node dissection. This along with another die they injected during the surgery made my fluids turn aqua blue. Apparently my face would be a hint of blue as well…nobody got to see that though. Damn, I was hoping for my own Avatar moment…. Surgery was on schedule for 9:00am. Still, all of this felt so surreal. Things start to get pretty fuzzy after I took the velum so really the last thing I remember is G giving me a big hug and kiss and me climbing up on the operating table to receive my “margarita”. This is what the anesthesiologist called my cocktail that she prepared for me. Next thing I knew, 9 hours had passed ( can’t remember the last time I slept for 9 hours without waking up) and I am in this room hearing voices all around me and people holding my hand and stroking my face. It was Dr “B” and the nurses in the recovery room. I was told the surgery went really well but that it was a lot longer than they had expected. That could only mean one thing. The cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and they had to go back and take more. All I felt at that moment was the tears dropping one by one, rolling under my chin and thinking “oh my GOD no. This has to be a bad dream. I’m still sleeping from the drugs “. I felt this sweet kiss on my forehead as I look over to see G right next to me. Our journey has just reached a whole new level. On a scale of 1-10, “it goes to eleven”.

The next few days ran together as I was heavily medicated, ah…narcotics are a wonderful thing. I remember feeling so tired and sore. The medicine helped but I could still feel the pressure in my chest and under my arms. It was as if I had just done a million pushups with a small child sitting on my back. I had not wanted visitors and really could not talk on the phone, so I just spent the time dozing in and out and trying to build up my strength so I can get ready for the next step. I have received so many wonderful messages from people- I realize I may not even be able to get back to all of them, but I want to thank you all for the beautiful words and the loving energy that I felt every minute.

I thought for sure I would be able to leave the hospital by Saturday but that did not work out as planned. Through some innocent miscommunication, I missed my 4 am pain meds and woke up at 5:30 feeling like I was going to throw up. Just when I thought that was the worst of it, the pain came on like a freight train. I could feel my heart beat in ever part of my body. I thought my chest muscles were going to crush me. The pain had taken over and it was so hard to get back to some sort of peace. If my doctor had not entered the room when she did, I don’t know how I was going to make it through another minute. Minutes felt like hours but soon enough I had drugs being pumped into my veins as quick as my body would accept them. I don’t remember much of the rest of the day as I tried to sleep the memory away and tried to find my peace again.

Sunday, I woke up feeling like a whole new person. Still sore, still tired but there was a sense of calm about me and all the nurses and family could see the huge difference. I was ready to head home!

I am home now. It’s just me and my guy and oh how nice it felt to be back in our bed. It takes a bit to find a new routine but so far so good and the first night home was a relatively uneventful success. I am not sure if the serenity I feel today is the drugs they have me on every minute or if it is the incredible support that I have received through these first steps. I would like to believe that it is the positive energy that surrounds me and the love that continues to be with me. I could not and cannot face this alone and I’m so blessed to not have to. This road is going to be a long one but “we got this one”!

More sweet than bitter..

This past weekend was special to me in so many ways but was bitter sweet…More sweet than bitter. The emotion keeps building throughout the days and I have just tried to enjoy all that I can.

Friday was such a beautiful summer like day and while I had a pile of things to do, I still managed to get most of it finished so I could meet my friends in the woods for our weekly social ride. It’s always a good time and I try not to miss it unless I’m in the middle of race season. Training is so strict you tend to miss out on a whole other level of mountain biking. There is the usual cast of characters but there is always the pleasant unexpected folks that show up to get their ride on. There is no pressure to ride fast and most are just happy to be out and celebrating the start of the weekend. That was my mission and it was accomplished. During post ride chatter and an adult beverage of sorts, we planned Saturday’s adventure. My friends had a great riding spot in Connecticut they wanted to show us. I love new trail so the plan was set for the morning. This place was by far the most technical riding I have done in a while. Not a place you want to show up without your “A game”. Rocks, rock gardens and bigger rocks was how this place could best be described but there was still great flow and the area itself was beautiful. A little hidden gem in Ct. indeed and it certainly tested my skills and the bike. The mango was not quite the right bike for the job but I managed to hold my own and both of us are in one piece. The way home took us right past a friend’s family pub so we decided to swing in for some food and some good laughs. Don’t forget...Big date tonight! As exhausted as we both were, we kept to the plan and cleaned ourselves up to get on the train to the city. In attempt to reenact one of our first dates, we headed downtown to this great sushi joint and even got the same table we sat at almost a year ago. It was a great day and a wonderful evening to be in the city.

Up early Sunday morning. Some would think we were crazy for getting up so early on a Sunday but when the trails await and the weatherman says rain, you get up and you go. My body was so tired but I managed to rally and so did many others. What a great scene to pull into the lot to see so many friends ready to ride. The weather held out and in fact the sun shined bright come the afternoon for our post ride BBQ. We had a great group of roughly 17 give or take throughout the morning and the trails were in fantastic shape. My legs were spent but the bike buzz set in and I kept finding this extra energy to keep going. This is where the bitter sweet set in a bit. The moment when I finally gave in and finished up the ride, rolled into the lot and got the overwhelming feeling of sadness. I just had this great ride in the woods with my friends and feel so healthy and happy and damn it cancer. Fuck you cancer for taking away next Sunday’s ride and the Sunday after that….


It’s Monday and I have two days until the cancer get’s taken out of my body. I have to finish up work, personal business and of course make sure I still get one more pedal in. Priorities right! I’m started to get a bit more panicked about the surgery. I know I have to do this and I will do this. I am trying not to focus on the outcome as much but it’s hard not to wonder what they are going to find and how is my body going to look and oh god am I going to be out of my comfort zone physically and mentally! I have so much love and support and can’t believe how all the positive energy people are sending me is being felt from all over. I have never underestimated the power of positive energy but wow, it is there and I thank you all for it.

Fridays and special people

photo credit- keade

It’s Friday morning and it is already a beautiful day. I take these early morning times to sit and collect my thoughts for the day. Lately it has been a bit harder to find the time but I’m realizing it is even more necessary for me these days.

Yesterday started off with a fantastic ride in the woods with some awesome friends at Blue Mountain Reservation. This is by far one of my favorite places to ride around here and worth the little extra drive to make it happen. My buddy took this photo and it seemed to capture a great moment for me coming down “stinger” with a huge smile on my face. Thanks for the picture and for another fun ride.

I found myself strapped for time yesterday…shocker, right. Had a lot of good intentions but once again I was reminded that I can only do what I can and the universe may have another idea in mind. I was late to meet friends for dinner but while it bothered me, everyone was just so happy to see me, it really didn’t matter how late I was. Once I was able to relax and get some food in me (yes, I do get very irritable when I’m hungry) I quickly settled into a wonderful evening with some people that are very dear to me.

I reflected a bit this morning about a few things. One is about a race on Sunday that normally I would be gearing up for and while physically I could participate, I know I need to just enjoy the time I can on the bike and not put pressure on myself to race. I do love to race but above all I love to ride my bike.

The other thing that I thought hard about today was the overwhelming positive response from friends and family. People near and far…people I don’t even know very well who have been recently informed of my diagnosis have reached out in so many different ways. While I may not respond to all of them, the reminders that I am not alone and that I am loved by so many, feels almost as surreal as the idea of me having cancer. I’ve moved a few times in my past and met so many amazing people. Yes, you are all amazing and have individually and collectively given me something so special. I’m a very lucky and grateful woman to have all of you so thank you.

While today is the Friday before my surgery and that alone carries its own meaning just like April 15 is no longer just tax day to me, it is also a special marker for me. It is one year ago this weekend that I was reminded that love can exist again. I am looking forward to celebrating this weekend.

Words of advice...

Sweatshirts and pants on the beach- my favorite still.

Words of advice from my plastic surgeon. “This will be a great time for you to catch up on your digital photo albums, movies you have wanted to see and books you have wanted to read”. Oh boy, this should be interesting…..

I do have a huge box of memories that I have wanted to scan into my computer. You never really know which ones you remember or if you have just looked at the photos so many times that you’re able to create your own memory. What I do know is that they were simpler times (at least for me) and these photos make me smile.

Yesterday’s appointment went well. It was a clear validation that I have made the right choices. This is not going to be an easy surgery (7 hours, yikes!) but it will be harder on those waiting. I won’t have a clue until I wake up. I have an appointment today with Nurse Practitioner to get my final check to make sure I’m ok for surgery and I’m hoping the skies clear so I can get out on the bike for a quick evening spin.

Running out of time...

The weekend came and went way too fast. They always do but lately those moments never seem long enough. Beautiful weather, great bike rides and good times with friends.

I realized today that I have way too much to do before my surgery in 8 days. It really won’t be enough time so I will do what I can and leave the rest to well, whatever happens. I’ll sit down tomorrow and sort through the list and start a new one, yet again.

I have the final meeting with the plastic surgeon tomorrow and it still seems so unbelievable that this is me going through this. I asked my sister today during one of our many long distance phone calls. “Do you think I really need to have this surgery?” It’s really one of those questions that I already know the answer to and of course I got that answer “yes my sister, you need to have this surgery”. Somehow, it does not seem fair but there are so many diseases that are more unfair and cruel than this. It doesn’t change how I feel but it does make me feel a little better about what is ahead. So, off to the PS tomorrow and we finalize the plans. At least I have choices.